This is a bit different.  I never saw this coming.  Finally, I can feel again.  I have emotions.  I fell so deeply in love with him.  He was different than the others.  He made me a priority.  He did things to make me happy.  He made me feel special.  I was so afraid to open up to him because I was so afraid he would leave me.

I jumped.  I finally felt comfortable enough to take that chance and let my guard down.  The walls fell crashing to the floor and I completely exposed every single little piece of me.  My emotions flowed like raging rivers and I gave him all of me, my heart, my soul, and every bit of my love, some of which I never even knew I had.

Something happened.  I don’t know what.  He walked out without saying a word.  He didn’t call, text, write, nothing.  Not one word came from him.  For nearly a week, I tried everything to get a moment of his time to ask if we were still together, if he still loved me, what was happening.

Silence.

Silence during the daytime is hard but it’s manageable.  Silence during the nighttime?  That is a killer.  Loneliness can drive you insane.  By the end of the first week, I only had one question.  Did he love me.  I asked how many times one should ask that question while it went unanswered before one should realize that the silence is enough to answer you and let you know that you need to move on because there’s no love there.  Finally, a response.  Ask in person.  That’s a difficult task when he can’t be located.  Visit at work, he’s busy working.  Understood.  Call me when you have time for me.  OK.  2:00AM and still nothing.  It’s time I get an answer.  I’m going crazy not knowing and the tears have been flowing for a week straight.  I need this pain to stop.  Hop in the car and go visit.  All is asleep so I knock on the window.  Turned out that was a really stupid move.  I angered him and he yelled at me to get out of there.

Silence.

Still not getting anything, professing my love, begging and pleading for company, pathetic.  A couple more answers.  That night, I acted all crazy and a few days prior I had as well.  I texted a dozen times in a row.  Some anger, some despair, a mixture of I hate yous and I love yous.  I’m hurt.  I’m trying to get your attention but you can’t see me.I’m crying, I’m hurting, I need you, I love you, Please make it stop. Why are you doing this to me?  Why are you hurting me?  Finally it comes. “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

Silence.

Another day passes and finally a face to face conversation.  “I don’t want to be with you right now.”  What’s our status?  We are on break, like separated but not broke up.  We can hang out like friends but not as a couple.  We don’t sleep together.  We don’t have sex.  But we aren’t broken up.  We are on a break.  How long should the break last?

Silence.

Give him some time.  I don’t know how much as he didn’t say.  All he said was give it time.  My crazy antics weren’t appreciated and he needed time.  It’s been two weeks since he walked out on me and the silence in the night is killing me.  I have no answers.  I am just hanging out until he decides the break is over.  Once the break is over, we will either be together as a couple or completely separate as two single individuals.  How long should I wait?  I’m not interested in going out and seeing anyone.  I just want to know how long I should wait to find out if he is mine or not.  There’s got to come a point in time in which I finally realize I’m waiting for nothing and he’s already decided.  I don’t know when that time is but I do know that I am terribly lonely and the silence from him is killing me.

Never again.  Never again will I allow the walls to fall.  How did I get blindsided yet again?  What’s wrong with me?  Why do I feel so unloved?  I do not know what to do.  I know I love him.  I know I only want to be with him.  I know I miss him terribly.  I don’t know why he won’t talk to me.  So I just wait until my stubbornness subsides and I realize I’m waiting for him to do something he is never going to do and it’s time to accept it and move on.

I’ve never experienced a silent treatment before.  I don’t even know what this means.  Is this his way of breaking up with me or is he punishing me?  It hurts.  Here I am again, tears falling down my face and having no understanding of what just happened.  Maybe I really have lost my mind.  Time will tell.

Forever in His Grace,

Mel

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