A Personal Note

Last year was such a whirlwind for me, that I never really paused to breathe.  Things just kept hitting me one after another.  Finally, I have time to breathe and reflect on all that I’ve learned, witnessed, and experienced.

Everything happens for a reason.  That’s so cliche.  I do believe it is true.  I have learned more about myself as a person and those around me in this past year and a half than I had in my entire life.  The most important thing I’ve learned is who I am.  Think about it.  Do you know yourself as a person?  I don’t mean as you; I mean as an individual?  Imagine floating outside of your body and watching yourself throughout the day, what you do, where you spend your time, who you talk to, how you talk to them, what you wear, how you react to different situations, etc etc etc.  Look at yourself as if you were somebody else and then ask yourself what kind of person you are.  Would you like that person if you spent time with him?  What would you change if you could?

I know me and I never knew me before.  I can feel again.  I can love again.  I am human and I make many mistakes.  So are and do you.  Everyone does.  You know what?  That’s OK.  It’s OK to mess up.  You don’t have to be perfect.  You are perfectly imperfect being who you are.  I’ve watched others act a certain way just so their friends would continue to like them.  Those are not friends.  Those are robots.  They are afraid to live for themselves and simply follow the crowd.

My Brian is still my Brian.  My head was so twisted up that I couldn’t grasp the normalcy in his words.  This is part of the “this relationship is so different than any other relationship I’ve been in, I don’t know how to act” plot.  It’s all still new to me.  I’m still learning.  I’m so quick to go into self-defense mode because that’s what I’m used to that I forget to pause and mess things up for myself.  I can admit that.  I refuse to allow the damages done to continue to affect me and my future.  It takes hard work.  I have to keep remembering that this is not the same path.  The results won’t be the same.  Shut up and have patience, Mel.

I would’ve shut my phone down too.  I get it.  I’m just not used to it.  So I will work on things and I will make it better.  Everything is getting better in its own way.  I’m excited to see the glimpses of the future as it begins to form.  Mo more silence.  They never could shut me up.  I am still standing and I am standing so much stronger than I ever have before.  I fear nothing yet many fear me.  I don’t think they should; yet I suppose if I were doing things with bad intentions that I would fear those who always tried to do what’s right regardless of how it makes the crowd look at me.  I am not a robot and I am proud to stand alone when it is called for.

Think outside the box.  Learn who you are.  Make your own decisions.  Face your fears.  That is what I call living.  It feels good to be alive.

Love God’s Grace,

Mel

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