Tornado John: The Demolition of a Family Unit

Perhaps it is time for me to rewrite my story.  When I began writing, I began before placing both feet on the road to recovery.  I shared every thought, every feeling, everything that was happening to me at the moment I was writing and the days and weeks which led up to it.  My writing digressed into other topics and faded in and out through different time frames.

I have placed both feet on Recovery Lane and started the long journey through discovering who I am and who those around me are and begun to put things into perspective.  I am learning to put the past in the past and to let go of those things which I cannot change.  It is a long process in which I am unsure where it ends, if there is an end at all.  I hope and pray that at the end of this journey, I will land where my happiness lies – true, unblemished happiness.  I have to believe that regardless of my doubts.

This is the beginning of putting my life back in order.  To rewrite my story now that my head has cleared and the spinning out of control has ceased.  I hope to be able to get through the construction of a family, the remodeling, the fresh new smell, the first tornado warning, the tornado, and finally, picking up the debris and putting together as many pieces as could be saved along with what was lost along the way.

I enjoy writing metaphorically.  I believe it adds a bit of entertainment value which makes the story a little less depressing.  The past is the past.  There is no going back.  Nothing will ever be as it once was.  I accept that.  Every piece will not be found.  Not all damages will be repaired.  Not all repairs are my responsibility to make.  I will fight my battles and leave the battles of others for them to fight. 

This is the reality, ugly truths included, and I accept it for what it is.  Who knows.  Maybe someday I will turn it all into a book.  If I call it fiction, more people will read it.  It’s easier to read with the belief that it’s not real than to face it as a reality of life.

Yours Truly,

Mel,

Saved by God’s Grace

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Johnny’s Resilience and Ability to Stand up for Himself

I am very fortunate to have such wonderful and forgiving children.  Some of them are, anyway.  I’m talking about my step-children, although I never considered them steps.  They’ve always just been my kids with the other three.  In 2010, when the family disintegrated, I did not do things the way a good parent would have.  I was shocked, blindsided, hurt, and had been fed so many lies by John that I believed the lies and thought the truth was a lie.  I hurt my step-children.  I called them names.  I yelled and asked them why they were doing this to us and asked how they could do this to their own father.

Fast forward, they were doing what I taught them to do.  They were standing up for themselves and the truth even though they were standing up against their father and I.  I’m very proud of them for that.  It takes a lot of courage and strength to stay the course and continue on the path of truth when it’s you against the world.  They survived it.  I will survive it as well.  They have forgiven me and they are by my side.  I am so blessed.  Johnny has always made me laugh.  I gotta tell ya, that boy, no matter what they (the family), he was always willing to keep trying to make everyone love him.  He never gave up.  I am amazed by his resilience.  Johnny is great.

Not long ago, Johnny took it upon himself to tell his “dad” a thing or two.  He texted me and told me all about it.  He even sent me what he had sent him.  He had actually posted this on his “dad’s” Facebook wall.  I use “dad” in quotes when related to Johnny because John is not Johnny’s biological father.  John was in prison when his wife, Johnny’s mom, became pregnant with Johnny.  That story will be told with much more of Johnny’s story over the passing days.  It explains why Johnny was chosen as the Scapegoat.  A little information about cheating on a Narcissistic Sociopath:

When you cheat on a narcissist though they cannot ever conceive of the idea that they aren’t enough. That you would dare to find someone else is beyond their comprehension. So if you do find someone that you aren’t a mirror of sometimes you get involved because they really care or you project that on them. Narcissist can be dangerous to cheat on as well as sociopaths as they will never admit that they are not the object of your adoration. They will stop at nothing to get what they want which is you. They may not even want you any more but you have become their property.

The injury caused by the cheating wouldn’t have been that bad, had she not also become pregnant.  To make matters worse, she gave birth to a son.  She gave another man something the narcissistic sociopath did not have but wanted:  a son to mold and shape in his own image.  The major N Injury caused an everlasting N Rage that was taken out on Johnny every chance John had.  He saw Johnny as the enemy and he hated Johnny.  Perhaps, it is because Johnny looks just like his Father.  I’ll get to that too.  For now, enjoy the conversation Johnny and I had.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:14:25 PM ] Johnny:   I hope john dosent get offended

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:14:27 PM ] Johnny:   Of what I said

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:17:59 PM ] Me:   John who? Jj? I wouldn’t worry about offending him. Say what you feel and always be honest. Those who take offense can’t handle the truth. 🙂 I love ya. Three days until I get to see you! 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:19:07 PM ] Johnny:   Ya

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:19:12 PM ] Me:   I didn’t see what you said or where though. And jj has me blocked so I can’t see anything he says. I’m sure I’m not missing anything.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:03 PM ] Johnny:   In moment ill forward it to yoy

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:13 PM ] Johnny:   You

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:33 PM ] Me:   Ok. Cool.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:29:06 PM ] Johnny:   I said

“if you like my aunt why dident you marrie her instad of my mother shed probably still be alive now and you woudent have ruined my life but this is just making matters wors. just don’t hurt shawnna or jazmine or my aunt I would hate to get my hands dirty. And if you do marrie my aunt at least be a better father and husband to them then you where to my mother and Melissa. And I sure am glad my gpa paul is there as a fautherly figure than you and I am glad I’m not even related to you and that your not my real dad thank you for your time.”

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:37:12 PM ] Johnny:   Its long I know

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:37:48 PM ] Me:   Releasing a little anger, are you? There’s nothing wrong with what you said but be prepared for him to say a lot of hurtful things and lie and try to manipulate you. He does it to everyone that stands up to him. Stay strong and don’t give in. Don’t give him any power over you. And unfortunately, he can’t be a good father or a good husband. He’s too selfish. He won’t even stop smoking weed for the sake of his children. And he hurt Cynthia the same way he hurt Tiffany and Ashley and I’m praying missy wakes up and gets jazzy out if there before he hurts her too. :/ And I’m sorry I let him manipulate me and I believed his lies and I hurt you because of it. I love you. You’re still my son and I’m still your mom. I’m trying to make everything right. I’m looking forward to seeing you. I miss you so much! I miss you making me laugh. I sent the girls their cards and am sending you one too but I have to finish making it first. 🙂 Keep standing your ground and speaking your mind. I got your back. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:38:37 PM ] Me:   By the way, what you said to him, I think you’re right. ❤ 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:42:59 PM ] Johnny:   LOL akways

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:49:48 PM ] Me:   Most excellent! You’re a terrific young man. And smart too. 🙂  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:50:37 PM ] Johnny:   I know thank you

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:19:50 PM ] Me:   Life is getting good son. Almost everything is as it should be. I’ll see you in a few days. Call me anytime you want to.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:21:08 PM ] Johnny:   OK I need john vgay gays phone number to finish what I started

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:21:38 PM ] Me:   Lol! Ummm…what did he say to you? 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:22:24 PM ] Me:   Tell me first and I’ll decide if you should have his number or not. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:23:32 PM ] Johnny:   he said that gpa talt me well with language what a shame. and I’m not done with him

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:24:35 PM ] Me:   You didn’t say not one curse word. You should see what he writes to Tiffany.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:25:25 PM ] Me:   You’re language was much better than his and you’re only 15. You’ll get a high school diploma too. He never did. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:25:50 PM ] Johnny:   and he called me a dumb ass for some reason

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:27:01 PM ] Me:   He called you a dumb ass because he’s immature and he can’t handle truth and honesty. Especially when it’s the truth about himself. 

  • If someone criticizes them or says something that causes them to feel insulted, the feeling will cause them to react violently toward their victim. This is the only outlet that they know to use to quell feelings of inadequacy.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:27:53 PM ] Johnny:   ha he blocked me what a loser. he runs away from a feeble fight LOL.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:28:40 PM ] Johnny:   ya

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:28:53 PM ] Me:   I don’t want him to hurt you. :/ He will say things to hurt you.  

He blocked you so you won. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:29:56 PM ] Johnny:   Oh trust me he can’t hurt me any more I’m stronger then him

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:32:23 PM ] Me:   I’ll give you his number so you can tell him what you need to tell him. Do not let his words hurt you and if they do, don’t let him know they do. 

You are stronger than him. Even moreso now that almost all my kids are on a united front, standing up to him, with my full support.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:00:25 PM ] Johnny:   ha he has weak comebacks I won again

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:01:54 PM ] Me:   Do you know how to screen shot and send the pic or forward it? I’d like to see what you’re getting into. I’ll get the blame for it and I like to be prepared. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:03:45 PM ] Johnny:   I do and I made sure he dosent know its you

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:05:46 PM ] Me:   He’s going to blame me either way. He blames everything on me and spreads lies about me. He needs to accept reality. Reality is, it’s his entire fault. He did it all to himself.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:05:58 PM ] Johnny:  He (JJ) said

“Lol nice try! Now I know who told you that lie! Now you going to lie for them too? Karma will get you for your thoughts. And yes you are a little kid who about to get him self in deep water! Juvenile hall sounds good for you about now the way your headed. Keep making threats for others. Gets you no where. Bye!!!!”

  • The abuser will swear that events never occurred and that certain things were never said. The victim knows better, but over time will begin to question their sanity.
  • Abusers use threats to cultivate anxiety, despair and the ability to resist.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:08:24 PM ] Me:   You won’t go to juvie. I’ll protect you. He’s worried he’s going to jail for the rest of his life for being a child molestor. He doesn’t want anyone to know what he really is.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:09:23 PM ] Johnny:   oh I know

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 8:24:43 AM ] Me:   Would you like to write a statement about how jj treated you growing up to be read in court at my hearing coming up?

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 10:18:55 AM ] Me:   Up to you. If you wanted him to hear it and wanted it on record, the option is available.

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 11:55:19 AM ] Johnny:   I’m gunman talk the GPA about it.

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 11:58:27 AM ] Me:   Ok. If he has any questions, he can call me. Thought you might like a different outlet than last nights activity. ❤

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 12:02:54 PM ] Johnny:   OK LOL

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:09:51 PM ] Me:   Are you behaving today?

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:10:50 PM ] Johnny:   know never LOL ya

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:13:18 PM ] Me:   Well, if no one else bails you out of jail, call me and I’ll do it. :-p  

That’s a joke. Don’t go to jail. It’ll mess up your military career. I know you won’t though. Your grandpa  raised you right and you’ll never be like jj. I love you kiddo!

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:45:45 PM ] Johnny:   your darn tooten correct about GPA

Here is the statement Johnny wrote.

Johnnys Statement

.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._Something I wrote late last year in my FB notes:

I remember shortly after JJ and I got together, we moved to a place on Calle Alamo.  We weren’t there very long.  We had a friend, Jeff, staying with us.  We called him Jeffrey the Butler.  He would clean up and look after the kids while we were at work.  I noticed a bruise on Johnny’s back one day. Not just any bruise and not on his buttocks, but a distinct handprint in the center of Johnny’s back.  The bruise was too big to be from any of the other kids and was attributed to Jeff.  I’m pretty sure it was JJ that gave him that bruise.

The grandparents had seen it and I believe Mary did as well.  A photo was taken by somebody and it was  reported to CPS.  CPS didn’t visit until later after we moved to 2nd St in Huachuca City.  More bruises had  come and gone by then.  Johnny was always bruised up.  I worked and J took care of the kids.  I was always told it was from rough play – the metal bars on the bunk beds, falling down and hitting his head, etc.  I’ve  since then learned that both Ralph and Johnny weren’t just spanked, they were more like beat down:  shoved to the ground and punched and kicked while being degraded, insulted and belittled.

  • Abusers degrade their victims in order to damage their self-esteem and make them think they are unable to face life on their own. 
  • Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.

This is what went  on after I went to work.  Why and how would and could somebodydo that?  JJ used to tell me how his father punished him while he was growing up.  He would describe something similar to what my boys describe.  He  would tell me how it was wrong, abusive and he hated his father for it.  People like JJ most likely suffered a great amount of abuse during their childhood.

  • Many people who are abusers have experienced or witnessed violence during their childhood. This leaves them with a feeling of worthlessness and low self esteem, which in turn traumatizes them and leaves life-long emotional scars.

Some children of abuse get help and grow up to be wonderful people and others, turn into the abuser.  That’s the cycle of abuse. Perhaps that is the why and the how.  Some of the damages done by long-term abuse is irreversible.

Self esteem can be damaged beyond repair

Drugs and alcohol are perfect for covering up past abuses.  It is those that cover it instead of taking it head on to put it behind them that have to higher propensity to become the abuse.

  • Many abusers are alcoholics or use drugs frequently.

There is nothing JJ can do at this point to make me feel any differently than I feel about him now.  He’s had an opportunity to get help and to change. He has had many.  He has always refused.  He has always sworn he didn’t need it.  He claims there is nothing wrong with him.  Not only does he swear and claim these things, he believes them 100%.  He will never admit he has done anything wrong.  He is incapable of it.

  • The abuser will often redefine situations to blame others for his troubles. Abusers will seldom admit that they are wrong, or for that matter, less than perfect. It’s always someone else’s fault when they act inappropriately.
  • Abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, but try to justify their behavior by making excuses. 

The only place for him, is a 6×8′ cell.  I’ll never allow him to harm any of my children again.  That’s why I need this severance. So Devon has a real future ahead of him.  The only thing he has to gain with having JJ in his life to influence him is nothing. I can’t think of one positive thing that can come out of him having JJ in his life.  To be belittled, insulted, defamed, degraded, abused, manipulated, and held back from reaching full potential is the complete opposite of what’s in anyone’s best interest.

I’ll have more tomorrow or the next day.

Love always,

Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

My Dearest Sunshine

March 5, 2015

I never noticed the light had left your eyes. To pretend your whole life that everything was OK; to paint on a smile every single day while your heart was breaking; how difficult that must have been for you to hold it all inside and how amazing you are for accomplishing so much in spite of it all.  I believed you’d always come to me.  I never expected you’d believe you had to protect me. My Cindy Lou, my Sunshine, taking on such a role at such a young age should never have happened and I am so sorry that I never noticed the light leaving your eyes.

I was thinking, why can’t you believe in me and trust in me; at least half as much as I believe and trust in you, but I realize you can’t.  How could you?  I failed you. I should have seen the signs. I should have seen the light leaving your eyes.  I should’ve noticed the pain you hid deep inside.  I am so sorry these things happened to you.  I am sorry I did not protect you from him.  I am sorry I did not make it clear enough that you could tell me anything in the world and I would trust and believe every word and I would take any and all actions necessary to protect you and keep you safe from the one inflicting that pain on you.  I just can’t fix what’s broken if no one ever tells me what’s broken.

I’m sorry that John put all of that stuff all over Facebook.  I am sorry he texted people and called people and said all of those things about you to everyone and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stop him and that nobody else was either.  It’s hurting Devon too.  I tried to get our story out there and you were with me for a bit.  I’m sorry you no longer want me writing, but I have to write.  I have to tell my story and hope that other mothers will become more aware of the signs than I was so that they don’t experience what I am experiencing now and their children don’t live through what mine have lived through.  Had somebody made me aware, maybe I would’ve noticed the light leaving your eyes and maybe, just maybe, I could’ve saved you from him, protected you, done my job as a your Mom.  Besides, John wants me to shut up as do his minions and puppets. When we go silent, he wins.  He gets control again.  I cannot allow that to happen.

I am your mother and you are my daughter.  I have loved you since before I knew when you were coming.  I had been planning you my entire life.  You had a name before you even had a Father, before I had a husband, before I could even create you.  I would never replace you.  I could never replace you.  Never once have I even considered the idea nor would I ever.  You are my one and only Sunshine and you will always be my one and only Sunshine.  You are irreplaceable and you are everything I have always known you would be.  I waited my whole life for you before you came and I will spend my whole life loving you, unconditionally.  I have other children and I love them all.  I have a big enough heart that I can love them and continue to love you.

I know he told you that I love them more than I love you, but he lied. I know that thought he implanted into your mind was triggered when we were in Texas, and you saw me hug Ashley and heard me tell her I love her.  I saw the switch in you flip.  I knew right then that I had just triggered your rage.  Nothing has been the same since that moment.  Know that everything he ever said was a lie.  He said those things to come between us, so you wouldn’t trust me enough to tell me what he was doing to you.  He said those things so that you wouldn’t trust your sisters and so that you wouldn’t have a good relationship with them.  He created chaos and destroyed the relationships between the family members so that nobody would tell anybody else what he was doing to them.  I have triggers too.  You were not his only victim; however, I recognize that you as the ‘golden child’ and Johnny as the ‘scapegoat’ had additional sufferings.

Certain insults are a trigger because I did suffer verbal and emotional abuse during my marriage to your father and now I suffer it from John and from you.  Also from your older brother at times, which I am working on putting a stop to.  I suffer it from you too.  You kids have had some pathetic examples set for you to follow on how to treat your mother.  John was bad about showing you guys that I am worthless and nothing I have to say is important, not even my own decisions and especially my decisions with you kids.  We argued over that quite often.  He’d tell you guys to ask me and I would answer and he’d get mad because I’d give the wrong answer.  Finally, I told him if he doesn’t trust the decisions I make when you kids ask me something, then he should stop sending you to ask me.  You and John argued about that too.  I let you do something and he got pissed off at you because he didn’t want you to do it.  He told you he didn’t care what I had to say about it.  He called me a piss poor excuse of a mother to you.  Imagine that. He was giving you drugs, having you sell drugs, molesting you, manipulating you, degrading you, verbally abusing you and he called me a piss poor excuse of a mother.  I was his mirror.  He was saying that about himself while projecting himself onto me.

He made everybody in the home hate each other by playing games with their weaknesses.  He caused your abandonment issues when he caused your Daddy to stop picking you up for visits.  He then played on those abandonment issues by telling you I’d leave you, or they’d take you from me, or you’d be left all alone if you ever told what he was doing.  Don’t let him win.  Don’t let him get control again.  Your Daddy didn’t mean to abandon you.  He loved you so much.  John made that happen.  He had to isolate you from your Daddy so he could step into that spot and gain your trust.  He chose us as his victims the first day he saw me after Dara left him.  He has been playing with our minds and emotions since day one.

Your sisters didn’t mean to abandon you.  They loved you and still love you, but you were so mean to them back then.  You scared them.  You scared me too at times.  They did not know that you were mean because of the things John carved into your mind.  Your sisters did not even know that both of them were being hurt by John.  They did not come up with some elaborate plan, leaving you out of it, to escape the abuse and abandon you, leaving you behind to continue to be abused.  Ashley only spoke up because Tiffany had spoken up, then they hoped you would speak up if you were experiencing the same abuses. They did not know how long and how often he had been abusing you or of all the threats and promises he had been making you.  They did not know the extent and severity of the abuses he was inflicting on you.  They were just kids, like you, at the time.  They didn’t know anything more than you knew.

Your sisters still love you; they want the best for you and they want you to be OK.  They want a relationship with you again.  They miss you.  They are very sorry for what their father did to you and to everyone else.  I am very sorry too.  I wish I could change everything that has happened and replace the bad memories with beautiful memories, but I do not have that power.  I can only make the future better than the past.

I would never toss you aside for them or anyone else.  I don’t make trades or deals with my children’s lives.  I have told that same thing to John many times; each time he tried to make a deal with all of you.  I do not make deals with children as if they were objects to possess nor do I give in to ultimatums.  He’s given me an ultimatum, too.  If I don’t do as he says, then he will make my life hell.  I am my own person and I am in control of me, not him, so I do what I feel needs to be done.  Like a spoiled brat who has not gotten what he wants, he’s been throwing a tantrum and making my life hell.  So be it.  I will continue to do what I feel is necessary.  I will survive and he will never get what he wants.  This thing that’s going on in our lives with the constant attacks and false rumors he continues to spread to try to finish off our family the rest of the way may never end.  I don’t know.

Take something from a spoiled brat and they tend to throw fits! They will say anything just to hurt! Even get revenge! So so sad!!! ~ John Jaramillo

I am his mirror.  That’s what he said to me.  But he didn’t say it to me; he said it to himself while projecting himself onto me.  I have no idea how long a tantrum like the one he is throwing can last.  I understand it is too much for the injured to bear.  It is too much for you and Devon to bear.  I have done my best to act as a shield for the both of you by putting myself out there and getting between him and the two of you.  It isn’t easy and it brings me pain and heavy burdens, but I can bear it.  My strength as a Mom protecting her children from further harm is greater than he is.  You do not need to worry about me.  You do not need to try to protect me.  I will tend to him.  You focus on yourself and being the kid that you should have been allowed to be all along.  Let Mom handle the monster.  I got this.  Now that I know what’s broken, I know what to fix.

Now you’ve given me an ultimatum. I’m sorry that you are not proud to be my daughter.  I’m sorry that your love for me is not unconditional and that in order to have your love, I have to do as you say.  That is not love.  That is not how love works.  I have done everything to teach you how love works, but I am afraid I am unequipped to undo the damage that John has done and I do not know how to erase the misinformation and ugliness that he has engraved in you.  That is not who you are at the core of your being, is it?  I know that it isn’t.  I know it is John who taught you to be this way.  I taught you differently.  You don’t have to become what he is.  You can still be you.  Not everyone is like him and not everyone is going to hurt you like he did.  No one will hurt you like he did ever again.  No one will be able to once you learn the signs like I’m doing.  I also know you are your father’s daughter and you have his stubbornness, along with many other traits.

Do you know that ultimatums are abuse?  You are attempting to force me to give you what you want regardless of the truth and my feelings and wellbeing.  This is me.  This is who I am.  I am always learning and always growing.  If you cannot accept me as I am, then I will have to accept that.  If I have to change who I am just to be loved by you, then I will have to live without your love because that is not love and it is not you who controls me;  it is me who controls me.  For once in my life, I know who and what I am and I am in control of that.  I am awake.  I am aware.  I am no longer blinded or manipulated.  I see the entire truth, all of its beauty and all of its ugliness. I write the entire truth, both the good and the bad.  I like to write.  It helps me empty my mind, organize my thoughts, put things into perspective, understand more about the events of the past and regain my balance when I go into the negative emotional spin cycle between rage and despair.

I am not afraid to tell my story.  Why are you afraid to tell yours now?  You weren’t afraid before.  You’ve done nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide.  You have nothing to be ashamed for.  There is no shame in admitting somebody hurt you and how they hurt you.  There is also no shame in being honest and admitting your own shortcomings.  You should not be ashamed or embarrassed that you were victimized.  It was not your fault and it was not in your control.  It does not make you less of a person and it does not make you any less intelligent.  You did not make a mistake.  You were taken advantage of by somebody who pretended to love you.  He is a great pretender.  You are becoming a great pretender too.  Don’t let him dictate your future.  Don’t let him finish off what’s left of our family.  We need to stick together and keep our bonds strong.  Together we can fight him and win.  And with all of us together, all seven of us working together, there is nothing he can do to hurt us and we can put him where he belongs.  You could tell your story and it would help you as well as other people that are going through what you have gone through.  You don’t have to take the path of the abuser.  You can take the path of the warrior.  It is your choice.  You have made your decision.  I will accept it as it is.

I accept you for whom and what you are.  I love you unconditionally and I always will.  I will not subject myself no others in my home to abuse.  I cannot have abusive people in my home.  As much as I love you, I cannot allow you to abuse me or anyone else in my home.  You know right from wrong.  You know what it’s like to suffer abuse.  You don’t like it and neither do I.  If you wish to take the easy road, I cannot stop you and I will no longer try.  Monsters are not allowed in my home.  If ever you decide to do the right thing, to act with honor and integrity, the way you used to be and to follow your dreams and live a happy, satisfying life instead of carrying that anger around with you everywhere you go, I’ll be here for you.

All of my love,
        All of my Thoughts with you,
                All of my Prayers for you,
        Always and Forever,
Always Unconditionally,
        With a Heavy Heart,
                By The Grace of God I Go
        Mom

P.S.  I am adding Zac to my story in the next few days and more of my story with you, explaining and demonstrating the abuses I have suffered from the both of you.  I will also be revealing that I am not the only one with a daughter spreading lies about me now.  Participating in the actions of the main abuser.  My best friend has the same issue and the words that came out of her mouth sounded just like yours.  I am no longer tolerating abuse from anyone.  I know you’re hurting, but it is not my fault and I will not allow you, nor Zac, nor Jos to take your anger out on me.  Welcome to adulthood: the place where actions have consequences and you get exactly what you give.

Life After A Manipulator

While I am working on my major article, I’ll be sharing some relevant information.  Reviewing this information now will help you to understand everything I will be revealing in the next day or two.  There are several articles I will be sharing.

I found this article written by Dr. Simon on his website titled “Dr. George Simon’s dealing with MANIPULATIVE people.”  It pretty much describes what’s been going through my mind since the day I awoke from ignorance bliss and found myself living a nightmare.  The first thing I remember is just going numb.  It was like my entire self left my body and my mind blanked out.  Blindsided.  Smacked in the face by reality with a concrete slab.  Absolute shock.  As the information began to sink in, there was confusion.  What I was hearing was in contradiction of what I knew to be true for the past 14 years.  Shaking my head in utter disbelief.  I tried pushing the information to the part of my brain that wouldn’t process it but more and more information kept finding it’s way to me.  I began to process everything, sift through it, and was amazed at how I had been fooled for so long and never seen a sign.  Memories flooded through me and as they did, I began writing down certain events that did not quite make sense.  I was finding the signs.  I was blinded by the appearance of everything being perfect.  I still have no idea how I missed them.  I’ve been trapped in the spin cycle, bouncing between extreme grief and furious rage.  It devastates me every time I think about what he did to my children and then I get angry and I want to lash out.  It is at that point when I pick up my laptop or phone and begin to write or create a new slide show.  Without further delay, here is “Life After A Manipulator”, originally written/published by Dr. Simon on October 12, 2012.

Mel,
Saved by Grace

 “I’m asked many times how a person can get through the process of picking up the pieces and overcome the scars of an abusive or manipulative relationship once they’ve finally found the courage to end it. In fact, I’ve been asked several times to consider writing another book, on that topic alone.  It seems that dysfunctional relationship survivors often experience some unique kinds of emotional and mental turmoil.  And although I’ve written about the fundamental ways these individuals can empower themselves (see:  Moving On After a Toxic Relationship) and start over, I haven’t written very much on the kinds of things they typically experience as they’re trying to heal their wounds and put their lives back together.”

“Many folks have told me about how hard it was for them to stop blaming themselves and engaging in a lot of self-doubt and reproach.  ”How could I have been so blind…. or so stupid?,” they ask themselves.  It’s difficult for them to reconcile the way they saw things in the days before their toxic relationship and the way they have come to view things since their painful experience.  They sometimes question their rationality as well as their sanity.  But the truth of the matter is that while they might indeed have had some personality characteristics of their own that made them particularly naive and vulnerable (most of us do), the fact is that covert-aggressors are generally quite skilled at what they do, and the more seriously character disturbed social predators among us (i.e. the psychopaths/sociopaths) are extremely astute and talented when it comes to the “art of the con.”  And in their very nature, manipulation tactics are often hard to see until after the fact.  Besides, it’s relatively pointless to play the self-blame game.  Lovingly reckoning with your vulnerabilities and vowing to become a stronger, better person in the aftermath of a troubled relationship is one thing, but doing an emotional hatchet-job on yourself just because you happened to fall prey to a good con artist is quite another.  And after years of being manipulated it’s easy to get into the habit of doubting yourself.  This can be an even bigger problem if you tried couples’ counseling at some point and the disturbed character in your relationship managed to con the therapist as well.  Still, as hard as it might be, the one of the most important tasks for any “recovering” person has before them is to end the destructive cycle of self-doubt and blame.”

“Some folks have a lot of anger to deal with after their abusive relationship is finally over.  They can harbor resentment that their former abuser seemed to “get away with” being such a cad while they (and perhaps their children as well) had to pay all the prices involved.  To make matters worse, some possessive controllers do their best to make the ordeal of separation or divorce a living hell on those who have finally had enough and found the courage to walk away.  And the collateral damage that can be done to otherwise healthy relationships with others who might possibly have been sources of support can also make a survivor angry, bitter, and resentful.”

“For the reasons mentioned above as well as some very important others, especially for purposes of healthy information-sharing, I’d like to invite the readers who can identify with these issues to comment on the various things they might have gone through when ending a relationship with a manipulator or other character-disturbed person and trying to start a new life.  And I’ll be having some more to say on this topic in the coming weeks.”

Silent No More

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i was quiet. i was shy.
i never fit in with the crowd.
i was used. i was abused.
i cracked. i fractured. i broke.
then i shattered. I SHATTERED!
and When I Shattered, I Got Loud!
My Silence Broke, My Voice Found.
In Fear, They Attempt To SILENCE Me,
My VOICE Keeps Growing STRONGER.
THEY FEAR ME, MY WORDS, MY VOICE!
THEIR SECRETS ARE KEPT NO MORE!
I AM LOUD! I NEVER SILENCE!
I AM NOT USED NOR ABUSED!
I DON’T FIT IN WITH THE CROWD!
I OWN MY VOICE! USE YOURS!

~Melissa Livingston, 22FEB2015

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When the Abuser Choses to Heal & An Open Love Letter to Your Inner Child

I don’t remember where I found this gem.  I saved it a while back and just found it by accident.

That means, it is time to share it.  Everyone has a right to be loved.  Everyone matters.  Even those who hurt us matter and deserve to be loved.  Most people who hurt other people have been hurt themselves.  I’ve been hurt and some times, when the hurt keeps coming, I hurt back.  I think it is very rare that we run into those who are truely pure evil and simply born that way.  When those who have been hurt begin to heal, their need to hurt fades into the darkness as they begin to shine brighter in the light.  We have all hurt back and we can all understand.  Is it possible to show a little love and compassion, even for those who hurt you?  If nothing else, allow them the opportunity no one else allowed them.  Allow them the peace they need in their lives to heal from their past hurts. Life is too short to carry so much anger, bitterness, and hatred inside of you.  You have to let it go else you will become the monster you are fighting.

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An Open Love Letter to Your Inner Child
{Amélie – Screenshot}

To the child who couldn’t understand

why nobody could understand.

To the one whose hand was never taken,

whose eyes were never gazed into by

an adult who said,

“I love you.

You are a miracle.

You are holy,

right now and

forever.”

To the one who grew up in the realm of “can’t.”

To you who lived “never enough.”

To the one who came home to no one there, and

there but not home.

To the one who could never understand why

she was being hit

by hands, words, ignorance.

To the one whose innocence was unceremoniously stolen.

To the one who fought back.

To the one who shattered.

To the never not broken one.

To the child who survived.

To the one who was told she was

sinful, bad, ugly.

To the one who didn’t fit.

To she who bucked authority

and challenged the status quo.

To the one who called out

the big people for

lying, hiding and cruelty.

To the one who never stopped loving anyway.

To the child that was forbidden to need.

To the ones whose dreams were crushed

by adults whose dreams were crushed.

To the one whose only friend

was the bursting, budding forest.

To the ones who prayed to the moon,

who sang to the stars

in the secrecy of the night

to keep the darkness at bay.

To the child who saw God

in the bursting sunshine of

dandelion heads

and the whispering

clover leaf.

To the child of light who cannot die,

even when she’s choking

in seven seas of darkness.

To the one love

I am and you are.

You are holy.

I love you.

You are a miracle.

Your life,

your feelings,

your hopes and dreams–

they matter.

Somebody failed you but you will not fail.

Somebody looked in your eyes and saw the sun — blazing — and got scared.

Somebody broke your heart but your love remains perfect.

Somebody lost their dreams and thought you should too,

but you mustn’t.

Somebody told you

that you weren’t

enough

or too much,

but you are

without question

the most perfect

and holy creation of

God’s

own

hands.

*****

{You Are Loved}

My Ramblings Have Spilled Over

January 25, 2015

I have put the “No Contact” rule in place.  That means,  have cut off all communications with John the NarcSo (Narcissistic Sociopath).  I blocked his phone number from being able to communicate with me by phone and text.  I asked him to stop emailing me.  He continued to email me so I called the Sheriff’s office and had a Deputy visit him and tell him to stop emailing me.  Any further communications from him will result in him being cited for violating the Order of Protection.  He had blocked me from his Facebook account nearly a year ago; however, he still has access to read mine through mutual friends.  I have removed some mutual friends from my Facebook and blocked them.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I no longer have access to see what he writes on his Facebook nor have I been trying to find out.  This is a new year.  It is time to focus on healing.  I will not allow him to continue to serve as a distraction to me and pull me off of my path.  I have a purpose.  I will fulfill my purpose and I will not allow anything to get in my way.

My purpose is to use my experiences and my pain to help others in their times of need.  If somebody is sad, my purpose is to find her smile, even if just for a brief moment.  If somebody is lost, my purpose is to help him find his way back to his path with a compliment, a few words of encouragement, a touch of hope and a little bit of love to enable him to build the confidence within himself to get back up followed by a gentle nudge towards the little light flickering on his path to all that’s right and just, the path that leads him out of the darkness and into the light, the path to the place where he is protected from the monsters of the dark,  the place where his faith dwells and where God is waiting to meet him, to turn his pain into comfort, his sorrow into joy and reward him with treasures beyond what any mere mortal could ever dream of.  There, in the light at the end of his path, he will be Saved by God’s Grace and he will forever be changed.  God will give him his purpose and he will go out to fulfill it.

I write at WordPress.com and Jigsy.com.  I currently have three blogs on WordPress for separate issues. I have decided not to close this Jigsy account.  I am going to incorporate all three blogs here onto my Jugsy website on their own separate pages so that I may have all of my work and extras in one place. Since the “No Contact Rule” has been put into place, I find that I have more time to write and work towards fulfilling my purpose.  It will take a little time to consolidate and organize everything.  My three WordPress blogs and their purposes are:

No More Silence

Starting out as a mirror for No More Silence on Jigsy, No More Silence is beginning to expand outside of my personal experiences to include the experiences of others, my thoughts, opinions, and ideas surrounding various types of abuses and outside articles related to abusive situations, abusers, and other related content.

Dispelling Rumors

This is my latest site.  I was filling up my Facebook with the lies my ex NarcSo has told about me on his “Smear Campaign” and the information disproving his lies, but I wanted it to be more pubic, and on my Facebook, I cannot have it public because my children and other children are on my Facebook and they do not need to witness the nastiness that he has been carrying out.  I need to address everything he has said, not for others to see what he is, but for myself, for validation and for closure.  It will also help those going through similar situations to be aware of how far the Monster is willing to go to prevent himself from being unmasked.  They will do whatever it takes to silence the survivors regardless of who gets hurt along the way and regardless of the law and basic human morality.  “Dispelling Rumors” sounded like the perfect name for a place to talk about the “Smear Campaign” John has launched against me and everything he is doing to keep me from exposing his true self.

My Little Corner of the WWW

This is the first blog I created some years ago. I didn’t write much at that time.  I had so many other things going on, in life and in my head.  This is My Place, My Home, My Mind.  This is where I what anything and everything I feel like writing when I feel like writing that isn’t specific to Breaking the Silence or Dispelling Rumors.  It is where I re blog things I’ve read and liked, share websites I learned from or enjoyed reading, and tell stories about my life, my childhood and other issues I have dealt with.  In other words, this is where I write about the things I am thinking about at the time I start writing.  I have found that it helps me keep my head clear.  Instead of hundreds of little thoughts and memories floating around in my mind, scrambled and cluttered with things I do not need to or care to remember, I write down everything I want to remember about something and discard the leftovers resulting in a clear mind which enables me to focus on important, current matters and issues.

Feel free to drop by any site, take a look around, read what interests you, leave comments or suggestions you may have and I hope that you take something away from you’ve read on my sites that can help you accomplish something in your life or fulfill a need you may have.

I read on “Uncommon Graces”, another WordPress site, the following:

You know what I love most about those words?  They put my own thoughts and ideas into words that are so simple to understand, yet so strong they leave an imprint in your heart.  I do the best that I can do each and every day to spread love, show my children they are loved and they matter, and to let others know they are important to somebody, somewhere, and not only can they make a difference in the lives of others, but that they do make a difference.  Grace believes the Love Changes People.  I agree with Grace.

Every morning, at no specific time, I send a text message to my Brian, complimenting him.  I tell him different things on different days ad at different times.  I do this so that he knows I am thinking of him and I appreciate him.  I tell him things like “You are amazing”, “Let’s play hookie and cuddle all day”, “I hope you have a fabulous day!”, “Thank you”, “Wanna get naked?” etc.  He then asks, “What was that for?”, “Why? What’d I do?”, or something similar.  I reply with “Did you smile?”, “Just for being you”, or “Because you’re you”.  I like to make him smile.  I’m sure you can relate.

Have you ever had one of those days where everything is going wrong and you just want it to end?  Have you ever had somebody out of the blue take interest in how you are really doing, bring you a coffee or a snack without you asking, tell you how nice you look, or compliment you on your work?  Did you smile and think to yourself, “That was completely unexpected.  Maybe not all of humanity is lost, after all.”?  Did you thank the person and tell him or her that he or she just made your day?  “Thank you so much.  I’ve been having such a terrible day and you just brightened things up a bit for me.  I needed that.”  Do you often think to yourself that those people are a rare breed?  That’s because they are.  Are you that tye of person or do you wait until you see somebody in tears or asking for help to speak out?  Think about it.  Here is something else to think about that I will leave you with for today.  What if the first task of the day on everyone’s “Things To Do Today” list was to make somebody smile?  What if we all took one simple measure to tell somebody we haven’t told in a while or a complete stranger we pass by, I love you”, say “Hello” with a smile, say “You matter”, show love, wish a fabulous day to, hug, or compliment without any other reason than to let the person know you see him or her?  Can you do that?

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Make it a 30-day challenge for yourself.  Keep a diary and write down who it was, where you saw them, what you did, how they reacted and how it made you feel.

Email me your results to melliving @ icloud.com.  Use “Make somebody smile” in the subject line.  I’d love to write an article based on such results.  #LoveChangesPeople  Help Compassion go Viral.  Tweet your daily results and use that hashtag.  Grace would love it!

Love,

Mel, Saved by God’s Grace