Silence Can Kill

This is a bit different.  I never saw this coming.  Finally, I can feel again.  I have emotions.  I fell so deeply in love with him.  He was different than the others.  He made me a priority.  He did things to make me happy.  He made me feel special.  I was so afraid to open up to him because I was so afraid he would leave me.

I jumped.  I finally felt comfortable enough to take that chance and let my guard down.  The walls fell crashing to the floor and I completely exposed every single little piece of me.  My emotions flowed like raging rivers and I gave him all of me, my heart, my soul, and every bit of my love, some of which I never even knew I had.

Something happened.  I don’t know what.  He walked out without saying a word.  He didn’t call, text, write, nothing.  Not one word came from him.  For nearly a week, I tried everything to get a moment of his time to ask if we were still together, if he still loved me, what was happening.

Silence.

Silence during the daytime is hard but it’s manageable.  Silence during the nighttime?  That is a killer.  Loneliness can drive you insane.  By the end of the first week, I only had one question.  Did he love me.  I asked how many times one should ask that question while it went unanswered before one should realize that the silence is enough to answer you and let you know that you need to move on because there’s no love there.  Finally, a response.  Ask in person.  That’s a difficult task when he can’t be located.  Visit at work, he’s busy working.  Understood.  Call me when you have time for me.  OK.  2:00AM and still nothing.  It’s time I get an answer.  I’m going crazy not knowing and the tears have been flowing for a week straight.  I need this pain to stop.  Hop in the car and go visit.  All is asleep so I knock on the window.  Turned out that was a really stupid move.  I angered him and he yelled at me to get out of there.

Silence.

Still not getting anything, professing my love, begging and pleading for company, pathetic.  A couple more answers.  That night, I acted all crazy and a few days prior I had as well.  I texted a dozen times in a row.  Some anger, some despair, a mixture of I hate yous and I love yous.  I’m hurt.  I’m trying to get your attention but you can’t see me.I’m crying, I’m hurting, I need you, I love you, Please make it stop. Why are you doing this to me?  Why are you hurting me?  Finally it comes. “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

Silence.

Another day passes and finally a face to face conversation.  “I don’t want to be with you right now.”  What’s our status?  We are on break, like separated but not broke up.  We can hang out like friends but not as a couple.  We don’t sleep together.  We don’t have sex.  But we aren’t broken up.  We are on a break.  How long should the break last?

Silence.

Give him some time.  I don’t know how much as he didn’t say.  All he said was give it time.  My crazy antics weren’t appreciated and he needed time.  It’s been two weeks since he walked out on me and the silence in the night is killing me.  I have no answers.  I am just hanging out until he decides the break is over.  Once the break is over, we will either be together as a couple or completely separate as two single individuals.  How long should I wait?  I’m not interested in going out and seeing anyone.  I just want to know how long I should wait to find out if he is mine or not.  There’s got to come a point in time in which I finally realize I’m waiting for nothing and he’s already decided.  I don’t know when that time is but I do know that I am terribly lonely and the silence from him is killing me.

Never again.  Never again will I allow the walls to fall.  How did I get blindsided yet again?  What’s wrong with me?  Why do I feel so unloved?  I do not know what to do.  I know I love him.  I know I only want to be with him.  I know I miss him terribly.  I don’t know why he won’t talk to me.  So I just wait until my stubbornness subsides and I realize I’m waiting for him to do something he is never going to do and it’s time to accept it and move on.

I’ve never experienced a silent treatment before.  I don’t even know what this means.  Is this his way of breaking up with me or is he punishing me?  It hurts.  Here I am again, tears falling down my face and having no understanding of what just happened.  Maybe I really have lost my mind.  Time will tell.

Forever in His Grace,

Mel

Advertisements

My Dearest Sunshine

March 5, 2015

I never noticed the light had left your eyes. To pretend your whole life that everything was OK; to paint on a smile every single day while your heart was breaking; how difficult that must have been for you to hold it all inside and how amazing you are for accomplishing so much in spite of it all.  I believed you’d always come to me.  I never expected you’d believe you had to protect me. My Cindy Lou, my Sunshine, taking on such a role at such a young age should never have happened and I am so sorry that I never noticed the light leaving your eyes.

I was thinking, why can’t you believe in me and trust in me; at least half as much as I believe and trust in you, but I realize you can’t.  How could you?  I failed you. I should have seen the signs. I should have seen the light leaving your eyes.  I should’ve noticed the pain you hid deep inside.  I am so sorry these things happened to you.  I am sorry I did not protect you from him.  I am sorry I did not make it clear enough that you could tell me anything in the world and I would trust and believe every word and I would take any and all actions necessary to protect you and keep you safe from the one inflicting that pain on you.  I just can’t fix what’s broken if no one ever tells me what’s broken.

I’m sorry that John put all of that stuff all over Facebook.  I am sorry he texted people and called people and said all of those things about you to everyone and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stop him and that nobody else was either.  It’s hurting Devon too.  I tried to get our story out there and you were with me for a bit.  I’m sorry you no longer want me writing, but I have to write.  I have to tell my story and hope that other mothers will become more aware of the signs than I was so that they don’t experience what I am experiencing now and their children don’t live through what mine have lived through.  Had somebody made me aware, maybe I would’ve noticed the light leaving your eyes and maybe, just maybe, I could’ve saved you from him, protected you, done my job as a your Mom.  Besides, John wants me to shut up as do his minions and puppets. When we go silent, he wins.  He gets control again.  I cannot allow that to happen.

I am your mother and you are my daughter.  I have loved you since before I knew when you were coming.  I had been planning you my entire life.  You had a name before you even had a Father, before I had a husband, before I could even create you.  I would never replace you.  I could never replace you.  Never once have I even considered the idea nor would I ever.  You are my one and only Sunshine and you will always be my one and only Sunshine.  You are irreplaceable and you are everything I have always known you would be.  I waited my whole life for you before you came and I will spend my whole life loving you, unconditionally.  I have other children and I love them all.  I have a big enough heart that I can love them and continue to love you.

I know he told you that I love them more than I love you, but he lied. I know that thought he implanted into your mind was triggered when we were in Texas, and you saw me hug Ashley and heard me tell her I love her.  I saw the switch in you flip.  I knew right then that I had just triggered your rage.  Nothing has been the same since that moment.  Know that everything he ever said was a lie.  He said those things to come between us, so you wouldn’t trust me enough to tell me what he was doing to you.  He said those things so that you wouldn’t trust your sisters and so that you wouldn’t have a good relationship with them.  He created chaos and destroyed the relationships between the family members so that nobody would tell anybody else what he was doing to them.  I have triggers too.  You were not his only victim; however, I recognize that you as the ‘golden child’ and Johnny as the ‘scapegoat’ had additional sufferings.

Certain insults are a trigger because I did suffer verbal and emotional abuse during my marriage to your father and now I suffer it from John and from you.  Also from your older brother at times, which I am working on putting a stop to.  I suffer it from you too.  You kids have had some pathetic examples set for you to follow on how to treat your mother.  John was bad about showing you guys that I am worthless and nothing I have to say is important, not even my own decisions and especially my decisions with you kids.  We argued over that quite often.  He’d tell you guys to ask me and I would answer and he’d get mad because I’d give the wrong answer.  Finally, I told him if he doesn’t trust the decisions I make when you kids ask me something, then he should stop sending you to ask me.  You and John argued about that too.  I let you do something and he got pissed off at you because he didn’t want you to do it.  He told you he didn’t care what I had to say about it.  He called me a piss poor excuse of a mother to you.  Imagine that. He was giving you drugs, having you sell drugs, molesting you, manipulating you, degrading you, verbally abusing you and he called me a piss poor excuse of a mother.  I was his mirror.  He was saying that about himself while projecting himself onto me.

He made everybody in the home hate each other by playing games with their weaknesses.  He caused your abandonment issues when he caused your Daddy to stop picking you up for visits.  He then played on those abandonment issues by telling you I’d leave you, or they’d take you from me, or you’d be left all alone if you ever told what he was doing.  Don’t let him win.  Don’t let him get control again.  Your Daddy didn’t mean to abandon you.  He loved you so much.  John made that happen.  He had to isolate you from your Daddy so he could step into that spot and gain your trust.  He chose us as his victims the first day he saw me after Dara left him.  He has been playing with our minds and emotions since day one.

Your sisters didn’t mean to abandon you.  They loved you and still love you, but you were so mean to them back then.  You scared them.  You scared me too at times.  They did not know that you were mean because of the things John carved into your mind.  Your sisters did not even know that both of them were being hurt by John.  They did not come up with some elaborate plan, leaving you out of it, to escape the abuse and abandon you, leaving you behind to continue to be abused.  Ashley only spoke up because Tiffany had spoken up, then they hoped you would speak up if you were experiencing the same abuses. They did not know how long and how often he had been abusing you or of all the threats and promises he had been making you.  They did not know the extent and severity of the abuses he was inflicting on you.  They were just kids, like you, at the time.  They didn’t know anything more than you knew.

Your sisters still love you; they want the best for you and they want you to be OK.  They want a relationship with you again.  They miss you.  They are very sorry for what their father did to you and to everyone else.  I am very sorry too.  I wish I could change everything that has happened and replace the bad memories with beautiful memories, but I do not have that power.  I can only make the future better than the past.

I would never toss you aside for them or anyone else.  I don’t make trades or deals with my children’s lives.  I have told that same thing to John many times; each time he tried to make a deal with all of you.  I do not make deals with children as if they were objects to possess nor do I give in to ultimatums.  He’s given me an ultimatum, too.  If I don’t do as he says, then he will make my life hell.  I am my own person and I am in control of me, not him, so I do what I feel needs to be done.  Like a spoiled brat who has not gotten what he wants, he’s been throwing a tantrum and making my life hell.  So be it.  I will continue to do what I feel is necessary.  I will survive and he will never get what he wants.  This thing that’s going on in our lives with the constant attacks and false rumors he continues to spread to try to finish off our family the rest of the way may never end.  I don’t know.

Take something from a spoiled brat and they tend to throw fits! They will say anything just to hurt! Even get revenge! So so sad!!! ~ John Jaramillo

I am his mirror.  That’s what he said to me.  But he didn’t say it to me; he said it to himself while projecting himself onto me.  I have no idea how long a tantrum like the one he is throwing can last.  I understand it is too much for the injured to bear.  It is too much for you and Devon to bear.  I have done my best to act as a shield for the both of you by putting myself out there and getting between him and the two of you.  It isn’t easy and it brings me pain and heavy burdens, but I can bear it.  My strength as a Mom protecting her children from further harm is greater than he is.  You do not need to worry about me.  You do not need to try to protect me.  I will tend to him.  You focus on yourself and being the kid that you should have been allowed to be all along.  Let Mom handle the monster.  I got this.  Now that I know what’s broken, I know what to fix.

Now you’ve given me an ultimatum. I’m sorry that you are not proud to be my daughter.  I’m sorry that your love for me is not unconditional and that in order to have your love, I have to do as you say.  That is not love.  That is not how love works.  I have done everything to teach you how love works, but I am afraid I am unequipped to undo the damage that John has done and I do not know how to erase the misinformation and ugliness that he has engraved in you.  That is not who you are at the core of your being, is it?  I know that it isn’t.  I know it is John who taught you to be this way.  I taught you differently.  You don’t have to become what he is.  You can still be you.  Not everyone is like him and not everyone is going to hurt you like he did.  No one will hurt you like he did ever again.  No one will be able to once you learn the signs like I’m doing.  I also know you are your father’s daughter and you have his stubbornness, along with many other traits.

Do you know that ultimatums are abuse?  You are attempting to force me to give you what you want regardless of the truth and my feelings and wellbeing.  This is me.  This is who I am.  I am always learning and always growing.  If you cannot accept me as I am, then I will have to accept that.  If I have to change who I am just to be loved by you, then I will have to live without your love because that is not love and it is not you who controls me;  it is me who controls me.  For once in my life, I know who and what I am and I am in control of that.  I am awake.  I am aware.  I am no longer blinded or manipulated.  I see the entire truth, all of its beauty and all of its ugliness. I write the entire truth, both the good and the bad.  I like to write.  It helps me empty my mind, organize my thoughts, put things into perspective, understand more about the events of the past and regain my balance when I go into the negative emotional spin cycle between rage and despair.

I am not afraid to tell my story.  Why are you afraid to tell yours now?  You weren’t afraid before.  You’ve done nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide.  You have nothing to be ashamed for.  There is no shame in admitting somebody hurt you and how they hurt you.  There is also no shame in being honest and admitting your own shortcomings.  You should not be ashamed or embarrassed that you were victimized.  It was not your fault and it was not in your control.  It does not make you less of a person and it does not make you any less intelligent.  You did not make a mistake.  You were taken advantage of by somebody who pretended to love you.  He is a great pretender.  You are becoming a great pretender too.  Don’t let him dictate your future.  Don’t let him finish off what’s left of our family.  We need to stick together and keep our bonds strong.  Together we can fight him and win.  And with all of us together, all seven of us working together, there is nothing he can do to hurt us and we can put him where he belongs.  You could tell your story and it would help you as well as other people that are going through what you have gone through.  You don’t have to take the path of the abuser.  You can take the path of the warrior.  It is your choice.  You have made your decision.  I will accept it as it is.

I accept you for whom and what you are.  I love you unconditionally and I always will.  I will not subject myself no others in my home to abuse.  I cannot have abusive people in my home.  As much as I love you, I cannot allow you to abuse me or anyone else in my home.  You know right from wrong.  You know what it’s like to suffer abuse.  You don’t like it and neither do I.  If you wish to take the easy road, I cannot stop you and I will no longer try.  Monsters are not allowed in my home.  If ever you decide to do the right thing, to act with honor and integrity, the way you used to be and to follow your dreams and live a happy, satisfying life instead of carrying that anger around with you everywhere you go, I’ll be here for you.

All of my love,
        All of my Thoughts with you,
                All of my Prayers for you,
        Always and Forever,
Always Unconditionally,
        With a Heavy Heart,
                By The Grace of God I Go
        Mom

P.S.  I am adding Zac to my story in the next few days and more of my story with you, explaining and demonstrating the abuses I have suffered from the both of you.  I will also be revealing that I am not the only one with a daughter spreading lies about me now.  Participating in the actions of the main abuser.  My best friend has the same issue and the words that came out of her mouth sounded just like yours.  I am no longer tolerating abuse from anyone.  I know you’re hurting, but it is not my fault and I will not allow you, nor Zac, nor Jos to take your anger out on me.  Welcome to adulthood: the place where actions have consequences and you get exactly what you give.

My Ramblings Have Spilled Over

January 25, 2015

I have put the “No Contact” rule in place.  That means,  have cut off all communications with John the NarcSo (Narcissistic Sociopath).  I blocked his phone number from being able to communicate with me by phone and text.  I asked him to stop emailing me.  He continued to email me so I called the Sheriff’s office and had a Deputy visit him and tell him to stop emailing me.  Any further communications from him will result in him being cited for violating the Order of Protection.  He had blocked me from his Facebook account nearly a year ago; however, he still has access to read mine through mutual friends.  I have removed some mutual friends from my Facebook and blocked them.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I no longer have access to see what he writes on his Facebook nor have I been trying to find out.  This is a new year.  It is time to focus on healing.  I will not allow him to continue to serve as a distraction to me and pull me off of my path.  I have a purpose.  I will fulfill my purpose and I will not allow anything to get in my way.

My purpose is to use my experiences and my pain to help others in their times of need.  If somebody is sad, my purpose is to find her smile, even if just for a brief moment.  If somebody is lost, my purpose is to help him find his way back to his path with a compliment, a few words of encouragement, a touch of hope and a little bit of love to enable him to build the confidence within himself to get back up followed by a gentle nudge towards the little light flickering on his path to all that’s right and just, the path that leads him out of the darkness and into the light, the path to the place where he is protected from the monsters of the dark,  the place where his faith dwells and where God is waiting to meet him, to turn his pain into comfort, his sorrow into joy and reward him with treasures beyond what any mere mortal could ever dream of.  There, in the light at the end of his path, he will be Saved by God’s Grace and he will forever be changed.  God will give him his purpose and he will go out to fulfill it.

I write at WordPress.com and Jigsy.com.  I currently have three blogs on WordPress for separate issues. I have decided not to close this Jigsy account.  I am going to incorporate all three blogs here onto my Jugsy website on their own separate pages so that I may have all of my work and extras in one place. Since the “No Contact Rule” has been put into place, I find that I have more time to write and work towards fulfilling my purpose.  It will take a little time to consolidate and organize everything.  My three WordPress blogs and their purposes are:

No More Silence

Starting out as a mirror for No More Silence on Jigsy, No More Silence is beginning to expand outside of my personal experiences to include the experiences of others, my thoughts, opinions, and ideas surrounding various types of abuses and outside articles related to abusive situations, abusers, and other related content.

Dispelling Rumors

This is my latest site.  I was filling up my Facebook with the lies my ex NarcSo has told about me on his “Smear Campaign” and the information disproving his lies, but I wanted it to be more pubic, and on my Facebook, I cannot have it public because my children and other children are on my Facebook and they do not need to witness the nastiness that he has been carrying out.  I need to address everything he has said, not for others to see what he is, but for myself, for validation and for closure.  It will also help those going through similar situations to be aware of how far the Monster is willing to go to prevent himself from being unmasked.  They will do whatever it takes to silence the survivors regardless of who gets hurt along the way and regardless of the law and basic human morality.  “Dispelling Rumors” sounded like the perfect name for a place to talk about the “Smear Campaign” John has launched against me and everything he is doing to keep me from exposing his true self.

My Little Corner of the WWW

This is the first blog I created some years ago. I didn’t write much at that time.  I had so many other things going on, in life and in my head.  This is My Place, My Home, My Mind.  This is where I what anything and everything I feel like writing when I feel like writing that isn’t specific to Breaking the Silence or Dispelling Rumors.  It is where I re blog things I’ve read and liked, share websites I learned from or enjoyed reading, and tell stories about my life, my childhood and other issues I have dealt with.  In other words, this is where I write about the things I am thinking about at the time I start writing.  I have found that it helps me keep my head clear.  Instead of hundreds of little thoughts and memories floating around in my mind, scrambled and cluttered with things I do not need to or care to remember, I write down everything I want to remember about something and discard the leftovers resulting in a clear mind which enables me to focus on important, current matters and issues.

Feel free to drop by any site, take a look around, read what interests you, leave comments or suggestions you may have and I hope that you take something away from you’ve read on my sites that can help you accomplish something in your life or fulfill a need you may have.

I read on “Uncommon Graces”, another WordPress site, the following:

You know what I love most about those words?  They put my own thoughts and ideas into words that are so simple to understand, yet so strong they leave an imprint in your heart.  I do the best that I can do each and every day to spread love, show my children they are loved and they matter, and to let others know they are important to somebody, somewhere, and not only can they make a difference in the lives of others, but that they do make a difference.  Grace believes the Love Changes People.  I agree with Grace.

Every morning, at no specific time, I send a text message to my Brian, complimenting him.  I tell him different things on different days ad at different times.  I do this so that he knows I am thinking of him and I appreciate him.  I tell him things like “You are amazing”, “Let’s play hookie and cuddle all day”, “I hope you have a fabulous day!”, “Thank you”, “Wanna get naked?” etc.  He then asks, “What was that for?”, “Why? What’d I do?”, or something similar.  I reply with “Did you smile?”, “Just for being you”, or “Because you’re you”.  I like to make him smile.  I’m sure you can relate.

Have you ever had one of those days where everything is going wrong and you just want it to end?  Have you ever had somebody out of the blue take interest in how you are really doing, bring you a coffee or a snack without you asking, tell you how nice you look, or compliment you on your work?  Did you smile and think to yourself, “That was completely unexpected.  Maybe not all of humanity is lost, after all.”?  Did you thank the person and tell him or her that he or she just made your day?  “Thank you so much.  I’ve been having such a terrible day and you just brightened things up a bit for me.  I needed that.”  Do you often think to yourself that those people are a rare breed?  That’s because they are.  Are you that tye of person or do you wait until you see somebody in tears or asking for help to speak out?  Think about it.  Here is something else to think about that I will leave you with for today.  What if the first task of the day on everyone’s “Things To Do Today” list was to make somebody smile?  What if we all took one simple measure to tell somebody we haven’t told in a while or a complete stranger we pass by, I love you”, say “Hello” with a smile, say “You matter”, show love, wish a fabulous day to, hug, or compliment without any other reason than to let the person know you see him or her?  Can you do that?

blendpic_2015125213115526

Make it a 30-day challenge for yourself.  Keep a diary and write down who it was, where you saw them, what you did, how they reacted and how it made you feel.

Email me your results to melliving @ icloud.com.  Use “Make somebody smile” in the subject line.  I’d love to write an article based on such results.  #LoveChangesPeople  Help Compassion go Viral.  Tweet your daily results and use that hashtag.  Grace would love it!

Love,

Mel, Saved by God’s Grace