Lost

I haven’t been much of a writer lately.  I have no more words to use to share my journey with the world.  Last year proved to be a most difficult year full of loss and sadness.  I continue to try to focus on the positive that comes out of the negative, but it’s becoming impossible to do so as anything left positive fades away into the background.  I’m sad every day.  I’m sick with worry.  I wander aimlessly through life; unable to plan any type of future.  I just don’t know what to do with life anymore.

I continue to be under attack by my ex-husband, the Narcissistic Sociopath.  His use of the courts to continue to bring me down is never-ending.  I attempted to obtain an injunction to prevent any further court action being filed against me by him, but the judge wouldn’t grant it at that time.  He did however set it aside and stated he could put it into effect at a later date if he felt it necessary and that was after a warning that the case was pretty close to such a thing.  I was hopeful that would be a deterrent for him.

Unfortunately, all hope was lost when he filed a complaint against me and had me arrested.  The charge?  Threatening and intimidating/domestic violence.  I sent a message to his father after receiving multiple threats from him and asked his father for help.  I asked him to get his son to stop threatening me.  His father perceived my plea for help as a threat of violence and passed it on to my ex who in turn used it as the basis for the arrest.  With all the threats I have received, some of them carried out, they would never arrest him but one plea for help from me and not even directly to him got me arrested.  I don’t understand the system.  It’s seriouisly broken.  My trial begins March 1.

He has also more recently filed for sole custody, using the arrest as part of his reasoning.  He is also using my refusal to engage in any conversation with him as a reason.  He keeps forgetting that the domestic violence charge came with a restraining order preventing me from having any contact with him what-so-ever.  If I respond to him, he can and will have me arrested for violating the restraining order.  I can’t win either way.  The judge granted him joint custody at the last hearing we had.  The ruling violates Arizona Statutes but that doesn’t appear to bother anyone.  Who in their right mind grants custody to a child molester?  Something is very wrong in the courts around here.

I will be admonished by the judge for publishing this information but I feel it is worth it to get more of the story out in case another is facing what I’m facing.  A short recap of 1015 follows.

My daughter graduated, left the area and cut off all contact with myself and her siblings.  I miss her every single day and wish she would call to say hello.

My eldest son wanted to show his father and stepfather he was a better drug dealer than them (my best guess) and is now preparing to spend the next five years in a prison cell.

I’ve had to move from the home I loved.  I bout a place in the country but it’s too quiet without the kids around.  I don’t know what to do with myself most days.  Some days I question why I continue to even breathe.

My boyfriend, the one who kept me grounded and solid walked away from it all.  Too much drama I guess.  We still talk but it’s nothing like before.  We aren’t a couple anymore and I miss him dearly.  My heart shattered beyond repair.

My best friend in the whole wide world was diagnosed with cancer.  She’s currently in chemotherapy.  The cancer is advanced and she had been misdiagnosed several years prior.  I fear the worst will happen and I will lose her.

Each day is lonelier than the last and I don’t know how much longer I can last with things the way they are.  Most days I don’t want to breathe anymore.  I can’t find purpose in my existence and that is killing me.

I am lost.

Mel

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A Personal Note

Last year was such a whirlwind for me, that I never really paused to breathe.  Things just kept hitting me one after another.  Finally, I have time to breathe and reflect on all that I’ve learned, witnessed, and experienced.

Everything happens for a reason.  That’s so cliche.  I do believe it is true.  I have learned more about myself as a person and those around me in this past year and a half than I had in my entire life.  The most important thing I’ve learned is who I am.  Think about it.  Do you know yourself as a person?  I don’t mean as you; I mean as an individual?  Imagine floating outside of your body and watching yourself throughout the day, what you do, where you spend your time, who you talk to, how you talk to them, what you wear, how you react to different situations, etc etc etc.  Look at yourself as if you were somebody else and then ask yourself what kind of person you are.  Would you like that person if you spent time with him?  What would you change if you could?

I know me and I never knew me before.  I can feel again.  I can love again.  I am human and I make many mistakes.  So are and do you.  Everyone does.  You know what?  That’s OK.  It’s OK to mess up.  You don’t have to be perfect.  You are perfectly imperfect being who you are.  I’ve watched others act a certain way just so their friends would continue to like them.  Those are not friends.  Those are robots.  They are afraid to live for themselves and simply follow the crowd.

My Brian is still my Brian.  My head was so twisted up that I couldn’t grasp the normalcy in his words.  This is part of the “this relationship is so different than any other relationship I’ve been in, I don’t know how to act” plot.  It’s all still new to me.  I’m still learning.  I’m so quick to go into self-defense mode because that’s what I’m used to that I forget to pause and mess things up for myself.  I can admit that.  I refuse to allow the damages done to continue to affect me and my future.  It takes hard work.  I have to keep remembering that this is not the same path.  The results won’t be the same.  Shut up and have patience, Mel.

I would’ve shut my phone down too.  I get it.  I’m just not used to it.  So I will work on things and I will make it better.  Everything is getting better in its own way.  I’m excited to see the glimpses of the future as it begins to form.  Mo more silence.  They never could shut me up.  I am still standing and I am standing so much stronger than I ever have before.  I fear nothing yet many fear me.  I don’t think they should; yet I suppose if I were doing things with bad intentions that I would fear those who always tried to do what’s right regardless of how it makes the crowd look at me.  I am not a robot and I am proud to stand alone when it is called for.

Think outside the box.  Learn who you are.  Make your own decisions.  Face your fears.  That is what I call living.  It feels good to be alive.

Love God’s Grace,

Mel

Verbal Abuse IS Domestic Violence

This is a preview of a video I have been working on.  It is almost ready to upload.

The statements my ex makes to my daughter in this video are not as bad as the rest which will be revealed in the full film.  There is much more coming.  This is just a very small sample of what my children have endured at the hands of their father/step-father, John Jaramillo.

He Was a Parasite

My Little Corner of the WWW

Grey’s Anatomy

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head [2.1]

Meredith: [voiceover] To be a good surgeon you have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close. But sometimes you’re faced with a cut that won’t heal. A cut that rips its stitches wide open.

She had a way about her that was strictly business.  She never hugged anyone.  She never complimented anyone.  She never said I love you nor requested quality time with anyone.  Her goals were set.  Her aspirations were prioritized.  Her priorities were detailed down to every step necessary to reach each level.  She had a plan and she was following it.  She didn’t have time for nonsense such as caring for others or what they needed.  She was focused and nothing was ever going to stand…

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Let Her Go and Walk Her Path

Accepting that which you cannot change relaxes you.

Perhaps, it is because you were wearing yourself out by fighting a battle that wasn’t yours to fight.

Just as you had to walk your path alone, she has to walk her path alone.

I know you want to spare her the pain and suffering you have been through, but it is that pain and suffering that will not only make her stronger, but will take her to the light, save her from the monsters, where she will meet HIM, be saved by HIS Grace, HE will wash away all of her pain and suffering, she will gain the knowledge that you have gained and HE will give her, her purpose and treasures beyond imagination.

You cannot walk her path for her and you cannot spare her the pain and suffering if you want her to be saved by HIS Grace, as you were.

I *get* it.  I understand.

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To Jos

What happens when your parent abuser begins the recovery process for the abuses that made him or her into the abuser? Can you forgive and support that parent through the healing process? Can you work towards rebuilding the relationship that had been broken? How do you do it? By first understanding the underlying cause of the behavior, past abuses can be recovered from and healing the past in turn heals the present. Can everyone be forgiven? Yes. Can every relationship be rebuilt? No. I don’t think so. Can you let go of your anger? It is the anger that makes the abuser afterall. Which path will you take?

My Little Corner of the WWW

clip_image001You didn’t think unfriending me would stop me from replying to your comment to me, did you?  It was a great comment.  It is something that comes up in situations like these, related to all that ‘junk’ you’ve been reading on my walls.  I’d like to invite you to write your momma a public letter.  Tell her anything you want to tell her.  Tell her how you feel, what she did, what you expected, wanted and needed growing up.  Tell her what she got right and what she got wrong.  Tell her exactly how she made you feel and how you feel now.  Tell her what you expect from her in the future.  Break the Silence and get your story out there for the world to see.  It will help others in situations like yours.  I will publish it on one of my pages with the others children’s stories and…

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