The Gap in Victims’ Rights and Protections

The gap fails to protect the victim.

When is the Victim of a Crime officially a Victim and afforded the Rights and Protections that Victims deserve?  Upon the reporting of the crime?  That makes sense, but is incorrect.  The Victim of a Crime has no protections as a Victim under the law until an arrest is made or charges are filed or an indictment has been handed down.  Until the decision to charge the perpetrator of a crime has been made, the Victim is not yet a Victim.  I shall refer to them as “Unvictims.”

The gap allows victims to continue being victimized.

Lacking the rights and protections afforded to Victims of Crimes, the Perpetrator can find ways around any protective order to Harass, Threaten, Intimidate and even Terrorize the Unvictim, causing the Unvictim’s life to become a living nightmare, the kind you believe only exist in horror flicks and Dramatic Lifetime Movies, you know the ones, where somebody has to die in the end.

The gap allows violent perpetrators to remain free.

The Perpetrator is able to bully the Unvictim until the Unvictim can no longer handle living in fear and halts the Investigation in exchange for peace with the Perpetrator thus allowing the Perpetrator to remain free and ensuring Justice is never served.

This is not a horror flick nor is it a Lifetime Movie, although it does have all the makings for one.  This is reality.  This is the retelling of real life events my children and I have suffered through, survived, and overcome.  These events continue to occur today and the will continue to occur until the Perpetrator of these horrendous acts and terrorization of my family gets everything he wants and not one minute before.  The law will not stop him.  The law looks the other way.  By law, we are not Victims nor will we ever be considering the main investigations have been halted by one of the Unvictims in exchange for the end of the living nightmare and the terrorization of her soul.

That is not all the Perpetrator demands.  The Perpetrator demands silence from myself and the other Unvictims.  The Perpetrator demands sole custody of the only child he still has rights to.  The Perpetrator demands the mother (that’s me) walks away from the child and forgets he ever existed.  The Perpetrator demands the mother pay him Child Support to live off of.  Until these demands are met, the Perpetrator will continue on his self-proclaimed mission of seeing to it that the mother is completely destroyed, imprisoned or dead.

Silence? Daddy always said I had a problem with authority and running my mouth.  He said running my mouth would cause me trouble but never did he say I should keep my mouth shut and my mind to myself.  Over the next few weeks, I shall tell the tale of how the Cochise County Sheriff’s Investigations’ Unit shelved an investigation of long-term, sexual abuse and molestation of a child beginning at the age of 9 and continuing non-stop until the age of 15, ignored pleas for help to stop the living nightmare, allowed the perpetrator of the child sexual abuse and molestation to terrorize the Unvictims of his crimes and to remain free to continue molesting children and how it was one of the Unvictims who eventually landed behind bars in an attempt to defend herself.

They never notice a thing until the victim fights back.

What does the “law” expect the
“Unvictim” to do when the law
fails to protect the “Unvictim”?

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My Father the Narcissist: A Narcissistic Father is a Tyrant and a Bully

Written by on August 6, 2013

Narcissistic fathers often emotionally damage their children. They disregard boundaries, manipulate their children by withholding affection (until the children “perform”), and neglect to meet the needs of their children because they are interested only in meeting their own needs. Their image and perfection is essential to narcissists; they often demand perfection from their children. The children thus feel intense pressure to be perfect and try to ramp up their talents, looks, intellect or personality to please their father. It has a high personal cost to them if they succeed in fulfilling their father’s wishes – and it can cost them just as much if they fail. It’s a no-win situation.

There is profound unhappiness among the members of a family ruled by a tyrannical narcissistic father. In many of these families, the mother simply echoes the father as she feels uncertain of herself (due to his emotional abuse) and is afraid to take her husband on. Often this destructive pattern is the result of the mother’s own childhood. Not aware of the dynamics of narcissism, she went from a cruel, tyrannical father to a brutal, domineering husband. Repetition of psychological patterns, such as is seen with abuse and narcissism, is common. The mother chooses a spouse similar to her abusive parent and raises a family in an abusive environment like the one she was raised in.

How a narcissistic father affects his children

Daughters of narcissistic fathers frequently report that they can never feel satiated when it to comes to getting what they need from their fathers. They never got enough time with their father and would have to compete with siblings for that rare time. As a young child, a father might comment on how beautiful his daughter was. But as she grew older, he would rarely miss an opportunity to comment on her weight and attitude. The daughters often carry these concerns into adulthood, even if they were otherwise successful. With a father like this, nothing is ever good enough. Their relationship with men in the future is clouded by feelings of vulnerability and worries that they’ll be dumped for someone else. Anxiously avoiding commitment or taking on the narcissistic role are both natural ways for the daughters to keep relationships “safe”.  It’s self protective but doesn’t lead to healthy relationships.

Sons of narcissistic fathers describe feeling that they can never measure up. Their fathers were so competitive they even compete with their sons. They either compete or pay no attention to their sons. The sons often simply accept defeat – how can they possibly win against a grown man? Sometimes they take another tact and work hard to beat their father at his own game- just to get his attention and some semblance of fatherly pride. Yet they never feel good enough even when they do succeed; they still feel empty and second rate.

Both girls and boys need to be loved by their fathers in order to feel validated as individuals. Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone other than themselves. Some of their children become narcissists themselves. That way they get their father’s attention (imitation is the highest form of flattery) and they learn from an expert how to manipulate and use people.

Having a tyrannical father is a nightmare for every member of the family except the “chosen child” (or children) whom he picks to reflect his perfect image. The chosen child is groomed to become his little clone. They have been chosen for their looks, intellect, special talents, or some other characteristic that the narcissistic father regards as valuable to him. Other children in the family are bypassed because they have not measured up to his expectations. They can be very bright, kind, considerate, or sensitive–none of this matters to the narcissistic father. He doesn’t care about the quality of his other children’s character or personality. These children suffer; they spend their whole childhoods doing their best, trying to get their father’s love and attention yet they always come up empty-handed. There is also usually the “scapegoat” child. Narcissistic fathers are often mean and cruel to these children and let them know- on a regular basis- that they are deficient, unmotivated, always wrong and too soft. They are worthless to him and are blamed for everything that goes wrong.

Characteristics of a Narcissistic Father

(From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown)

  • Turns every conversation to himself
  • Expects you to meet his emotional needs
  • Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you
  • Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you
  • Focus on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior
  • Expects you to jump at his every need
  • Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring your needs
  • Has high need for attention
  • Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases, is flamboyant, loud and boisterous
  • Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off
  • Becomes angry when his needs are not met and tantrums or intimidates
  • Has an attitude of “Anything you can do, I can do better”
  • Engages in one-upmanship to seem important
  • Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming
  • Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him
  • Isn’t satisfied unless he has the “biggest” or “best”
  • Seeks status. Spends money only to impress others
  • Forgets what you have done for him in the past but keeps reminding you that you owe him today
  • Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration
  • Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants
  • Does not obey the law-sees himself above the law
  • Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines
  • Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings
  • Tells you how you should feel or not feel
  • Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions
  • Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours
  • Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own
  • Wants to control what you do and say-tries to micromanage you
  • Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own
  • Has poor insight and cannot see the impact his selfish behavior has on you
  • Has shallow emotions and interests
  • Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
  • Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants
  • May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children

The tyrannical narcissistic father is a bully- a cruel, lying, arrogant person. He is a tyrant that is totally entrenched in his grandiose world and insistent that everyone follow his commands. He is emotionally abusive and can cause significant emotional damage to all family members. Unfortunately, his behaviors cause the relationships within a family to be toxic and can cause lifelong wounds.

References:

http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/tyrannical-narcissistic-fathers-push-everyone-around/

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_know_if_your_father_is_a_narcissist

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201303/the-narcissistic-father

Has the Truth Ever Passed Though Your Lips?

Dispelling Rumors

This is my son, Johnny.  Now, I did not give birth to him.  He has an Angel Momma.  I did watch him take his first steps and hear him speak his first words and I love him ever so much.  Johnny has a special story that he and I will be telling.  I wish I had seen him before he was shipped off to his “dad’s” parent’s house way back when.  You see his black eyes in his first two baby pictures?  Those were neither the first bruises nor the last that his “dad” inflicted on him.  See, His “dad” is a Narcissistic Sociopath.  People like that place roles on the children in the home.  Johnny’s role was the Scapegoat.  The following defines scapegoating and how Johnny was treated in the home with the encouragement of his “dad”.  Why?  I have a theory.  I will tell you all about it…

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NO CONTACT RULE

Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And…there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ‘no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.

Letters to our Fathers

Letters to our fathers is a special project I have decided to take on.  My goal is to publish a compilation of letters written by those who have suffered or are currently suffering abuses at the hands of their fathers.  Before anyone says it, yes, I know mothers abuse children too, but for this particular project, I will be focusing on the father.

My hopes are for this project to serve multiple purposes.  I want to do more than just BREAK THE SILENCE.  I want to SHATTER it.  I want to make so much noise that we wake up the whole world.  Alright, so that may be pushing it just a bit.  I will settle for waking up a dozen people for every letter that’s published.  Several things have occured in the recent past that have led me to come up with this idea and begin this project.  I’ll start from the beginning, but I will be brief, with only that which directly pertains to this particular article.

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As I began my adventure down the path of healing, memories and thoughts of past and present events flooded my mind.  Everything was all mixed up.  The more I learned about the abusive situations my children experienced, the worse it got.  My head spun.  I was in information overload.  I needed to know everything that happened while I was at work and while I was asleep and I needed to remember it all.  I began to make a note each time I remembered something or heard something.  I would make the note right away using whatever method of writing I had at the time.  I made notes in emails to myself, on envelopes and slips of paper, in the notepad on my cell phone, in noebooks if one was near by, and my mind began to clear.  I began to think clearly.  That was a start.  It was still a mess.  My notes were scattered and disorganized and I couldn’t find a thing.  That made me frantic; my head started spinning again.  I was so consumed and overwhelmed with all of this that I couldn’t focus on my everyday tasks at work and at home.  I had to get back in control.  I had to take back the power that my ex-narcso took from me.  I could not allow him to continue to consume every minute of my days.

Wear your tragedies as armor

When I was younger and bad things happened, I would write.  Writing helped me put everything into perspective and clear my mind.  I needed everything in one place and I needed to tell my story.  I began a blog.  My ex-narcso reads my blog.  He mentions some of the things I write to others.  He isn’t too happy about it but I am not writing for his happiness.  I am writing to clear my mind, organize my memories, put things into perspective, regain my power and let others know they are not alone.  Exposing him for what he truely is happens to be a consequence of my actions and I am perfectly OK with that.  I refused to continue to be his victim.  I became a warrior to protect my children and see that they get the justice they deserve.  He attacked and I fought back.  He attacked again and I fought back again.  Each time I fought back, I grew stronger.  I began to win some battles.  The healing that comes from defeating your abuser is strong.  Eventually, he had no power left over me and I won every battle.  The battle continues, but he is wearing out and he is now playing the victim.  He attacks, he loses. then he cries about it.  Isn’t that something?

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My biggest fear is one day being as oblivious to my children's sufferings as my parents were to mine.

My daughter posted this on her FB page. The comment she made with it was along the lines of “How fitting for my life”.

Originally, I began looking for a way to give others who have been abused an opportunity to tell their stories and begin to take their power back. Some of my children have told portions of their stories and they have been published.  They have their power back.  People try to silence us.  We will not be silent.  If you cannot look the truth in the eye because it is too ugly to look at, then you have a problem.  How can you protect your children from the evils of the world if you refuse see it?  Knowledge is power.  Ignorance is bliss.  I understand those cliche’s now.  There are grave dnagers in remaining blissfully ignorant.  I’ve seen people say they know these things happen, they just don’t want to hear about it or read about it.  My reply to them is along the lines of informing them that I knew they existed too and I didn’t want to hear or read about them.  I was blissfully ignorant.  My children suffered for many years and I never even seen the signs.  How could I?  I didn’t know what the signs were.  I ignored the truths of the world because they were too ugly to look at and my ignorance left me unable to protect my children from them.

We cannot be silent.  We ust break the silence, tell or stories, take control and raise awareness abour the ugly truths.  In doing this, we heal ourselves.

If you or somebody you know has expierenced abuse by his or her father, and you want the father to hear what you have to say to him, I am collecting letters to fathers for this project.  Those letters will be published sometime in the next two weeks.  You can write them anonymously or you can use names.  I used to write anonymous but I am no longer afraid.  I am not ashamed.  It is not my fault.  The opinions of others no longer matter.  I have to do this for me.  I need to heal so I can help my children continue to heal.  I am not a victim.  I am a warrior.

2014-12-08 20.59.56-2If you aren’t sure what to write, here are some ideas.  Tell your father what he did to you.  Be graphic if you want to.  Tell him how it made you feel.  Tell him what you wanted and needed him to be for you.  Tell him what successes you have had without his help.  Tell him is you want to be in his life or not.  Tell him if you plan to tell your children they have a grandfather or not. 2014-12-05 02.56.06 Tell him anything and everything you want him to hear.  If you provide me with his contact information, I will do everything I can to see to it that he is aware of your letter to him and where to find it to read it.  If he knows about it, he will read it.  It’s part of who they are.  They have to know what others are saying about them.  Exposing them is worse than imprisoning them in their minds.  At least in prison they can still play the victim and claim they were falsly accused.  Expose them, and you take away their victim card.

Email your letters to melliving@icloud.com and write Letters to our Fathers in the subject line so I’ll know what it is and it won’t end up labled spam.  Some of my children are writing letters too.  There is strangth in nubers and together we are much stronger than them.  We have truth and Grace on our side.  They cannot hurt us.2015-01-03 09.07.46-2

With the business out of the way, I wanted to send a message to somebody who made a comment about my methods of breaking the silence.

 Screenshot_2014-12-11-11-44-01_2-1Ms. Rugersmom, why do you feel sorry for my children?  Do you know how many children I have?  Do you know how old they are?  Do you know their stories?  What do you think breaking the silence means and where did you get that idea from?  Once it is on the internet, it never goes away.  I would hope not!  Why would we not blast it out everywhere?  Thank you for your opinion but I am here to tell you it is based on ignorance.  Blissful ignorance.  We don’t want your smpathy.  Don’t you poor babies my children.  You have no idea the paths we have been down nor what it takes to repair the damages that have been done.  Lies about us have been blasted on the internet.  Are we to sit in silence and allow ourselves to continue to be abused or should we stand up for ourselves and fight back?  I suggest you open your eyes lady.  It is the monsters that want us to remain silent and when you want us to remain silent as well, you are helping the monsters.  Think about it.  You can reply to me in the comment section and I will be sure to publish it.2014-12-27 06.18.45

 Screenshot_2015-01-05-04-17-16-2This one comes from a friend of the enemy.  He cannot handle the ugly truth.  It is too ugly for him to see.  The sad part is that he has children.  I just hope he does not allow his children to be in John’s care without any other adults around to keep watch.  Mr. Mead, what part of the truth are you afraid of?  I shall not be shutting my yap anytime soon.  It’s ugly all right but I am not afraid like you are.  I will repeat it where ever and when ever it needs to be repeated.  You may also reply to me in the comments section and I will publish your comment as well.

opinionatedTo the both of you, do some research and educate yourselves.  It is unwise to speak about things you have no knowledge of.  You make yourselves look foolish.  I am glad that once something is on the Internet, it is there forever. 2014-12-08 20.59.56-1 - Copy Be blessed,

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace
growing in gods grace