The Gap in Victims’ Rights and Protections

The gap fails to protect the victim.

When is the Victim of a Crime officially a Victim and afforded the Rights and Protections that Victims deserve?  Upon the reporting of the crime?  That makes sense, but is incorrect.  The Victim of a Crime has no protections as a Victim under the law until an arrest is made or charges are filed or an indictment has been handed down.  Until the decision to charge the perpetrator of a crime has been made, the Victim is not yet a Victim.  I shall refer to them as “Unvictims.”

The gap allows victims to continue being victimized.

Lacking the rights and protections afforded to Victims of Crimes, the Perpetrator can find ways around any protective order to Harass, Threaten, Intimidate and even Terrorize the Unvictim, causing the Unvictim’s life to become a living nightmare, the kind you believe only exist in horror flicks and Dramatic Lifetime Movies, you know the ones, where somebody has to die in the end.

The gap allows violent perpetrators to remain free.

The Perpetrator is able to bully the Unvictim until the Unvictim can no longer handle living in fear and halts the Investigation in exchange for peace with the Perpetrator thus allowing the Perpetrator to remain free and ensuring Justice is never served.

This is not a horror flick nor is it a Lifetime Movie, although it does have all the makings for one.  This is reality.  This is the retelling of real life events my children and I have suffered through, survived, and overcome.  These events continue to occur today and the will continue to occur until the Perpetrator of these horrendous acts and terrorization of my family gets everything he wants and not one minute before.  The law will not stop him.  The law looks the other way.  By law, we are not Victims nor will we ever be considering the main investigations have been halted by one of the Unvictims in exchange for the end of the living nightmare and the terrorization of her soul.

That is not all the Perpetrator demands.  The Perpetrator demands silence from myself and the other Unvictims.  The Perpetrator demands sole custody of the only child he still has rights to.  The Perpetrator demands the mother (that’s me) walks away from the child and forgets he ever existed.  The Perpetrator demands the mother pay him Child Support to live off of.  Until these demands are met, the Perpetrator will continue on his self-proclaimed mission of seeing to it that the mother is completely destroyed, imprisoned or dead.

Silence? Daddy always said I had a problem with authority and running my mouth.  He said running my mouth would cause me trouble but never did he say I should keep my mouth shut and my mind to myself.  Over the next few weeks, I shall tell the tale of how the Cochise County Sheriff’s Investigations’ Unit shelved an investigation of long-term, sexual abuse and molestation of a child beginning at the age of 9 and continuing non-stop until the age of 15, ignored pleas for help to stop the living nightmare, allowed the perpetrator of the child sexual abuse and molestation to terrorize the Unvictims of his crimes and to remain free to continue molesting children and how it was one of the Unvictims who eventually landed behind bars in an attempt to defend herself.

They never notice a thing until the victim fights back.

What does the “law” expect the
“Unvictim” to do when the law
fails to protect the “Unvictim”?

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Stranger Danger vs. Friendly Fire

Who is more dangerous, the creepy stranger standing on the street corner or the relative/friend-of-the-family you’ve known and trusted your entire life?

I remember learning about “Stranger Danger” as a child.  We were taught not to take candy from a stranger because they might through us into a van and drive off with us and we’d never be seen again.  Several homes in the neighborhood were marked as safe houses – places the children could run to in case of emergency and help was needed or the children needed a safe place to hide.  There was one we would stop in on the way to school every morning and watch a little cartoons while there.  That’s the only thing I can remember about it, as I was only about five years old or so.  I was either in Kindergarten or First Grade.  I’ll catch myself here before I digress.

We were never warned about the people residing in our own homes, family members, friends of the family, yet they ARE more dangerous than strangers.  Worse than that – they can get away with harming the children for years and once outed [IF (BIG IF) outed is more like it], still get away with it.  After all, who wants to believe that somebody you’ve known your entire life, who is a trusted and respected member of the family and society, is not only capable of but has carried out the worst atrocities against children one couldn’t even imagine thinking about carrying out?  Who wants to believe that their spouse, a person they consider their soulmate, has been sneaking into their daughter’s bed while you slept to molest their precious little girl?  I couldn’t believe it when it happened to me.  That is the normal reaction.

The first thought that runs through your head is that the child must’ve gotten into trouble and is trying to find a way out of trouble.  Our first thought is the rarest of possibilities.  Chances are, 99% of the time, the child is telling the truth yet somehow, we believe the child, that we raised to be honest and we believe we are doing a proper job in raising that child, is within that 1% of rare false reporters.  We automatically believe our child is lying because we don’t think there is any possible way Uncle Daddy is the type of person to rape our children.  There are not very many arrests in that area so why would we think it was possible?

Reality is that more than 90% of long-term child-sexual-abusers will never even be reported to authorities and around 95% of long-term-child-sexual-abusers will never be punished for their crimes.  Most of the long-term-child-sexual-abusers who are reported, will never be charged with the crime.  They get to roam freely and find their next target while you drown in the damages they’ve left behind.  Children are afraid to tell for a variety of reasons, the biggest and most common being that nobody will believe them.  Having experienced this in real life, within my own family, I can honestly say, those children are right.

Their abuser tells them over and over that nobody will believe them and they’d get in trouble.  Their abuser is telling them the truth.  So how do we change that?  How do we reprogram our brain to believe the child when the child tells?  That is the question and I don’t have the answer – or perhaps – education.  Just as we launched the Stranger Danger program, we need a program to teach people and children the reality of child sexual abuse; that reality being somebody in your home or who visits your home on a regular basis is more likely to sexually abuse your child than a stranger is.

When a child tells, you listen.  99% of the time, it is true and isn’t it better to err on the side of safety than the side of danger?

Dwelling in the light where the monsters cannot travel,

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**Please note, the numbers I used are from memory and may be off by up to 5%.**

Child Sexual Abuse Awareness

The highlighted text is applicable to our lives.  It is not the only portions of the text which are applicable.

This information comes to you from Sanford Health Dakota Children’s Advocacy Center.

Child sexual abuse overview

Child sexual abuse is a national epidemic. It affects boys and girls of all ages. In fact, this is a problem that directly affects millions of children around the world. Child sexual abuse is not rare. There is an estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse in America today, and based on prevalence data from adults, about 500,000 children are sexually abused each year in the US. In contrast, each year in the United States, there are 12,400 new cases of childhood cancer diagnosed and 18,000 new cases of juvenile diabetes diagnosed. It also affects more children than those diagnosed with asthma or ADHD.

What is child sexual abuse?

Child sexual abuse is any interaction between a child and an adult or another child in which the child is use for the sexual stimulation of the perpetrator or an observer. Sexual abuse can include:

  • Touching of the vagina, penis, breasts or buttocks
  • Oral-genital contact
  • Sexual intercourse
  • Voyeurism (trying to look at a child’s naked body)
  • Exhibitionism
  • Exposing the child to pornography

Abusers often do not use physical force, but may use play, deception, threats or other forms of coercion to engage children and maintain their silence. Children can be sexually abused by another child or adolescent. Activity in which there is a clear power difference between them and one child is coercing the other—usually to engage in adult-like sexual behavior—generally would be viewed as abuse. This is very different from behavior in children of about the same age that reflects normal sexual curiosity and mutual exploration (such as playing doctor). While some degree of sexual curiosity and exploration is to be expected between children of about the same age, when one child coerces another to engage in adult-like sexual activities, the behavior is unhealthy and abusive.

Disclosure

Disclosure can be a scary and difficult process for children. Some children who have been sexually abused may take weeks, months or even years to fully reveal what was done to them. Many children never tell anyone about the abuse. In general:

  • Girls are more likely to disclose than boys
  • Very young children tend to accidentally reveal abuse, because they don’t have as much understanding of what occurred or the words to explain it
  • School-aged children tend to tell a caregiver
  • Adolescents are more likely to tell friends

Disclosure is often a difficult process for children. It is rarely a one-time event in which an interviewer sits down with a child and the child tells everything. Children often tell their stories over a period of time and some never fully tell what happened. Delayed disclosures are more common then not. Many children will never tell. Reasons many children don’t disclose include:

  • Fear the abuser may hurt them or their families
  • Fear of not being believed, or will be blamed and get in trouble
  • Worry that their parents will be upset or angry
  • Shame or guilt
  • Fear that disclosing will disrupt the family, especially if the perpetrator is a family member or friend
  • Fear that if they tell, they will be taken away and separated from their family

Additionally, to most children telling means something very different then it does to adults. Children will say “Uncle Joe hurt me” and will assume adults know what they are talking about and will react to keep them safe. They don’t understand or comprehend why adults would need more information.

What do I do if a child discloses?

  • Listen. Do not fill in words for the child.
  • If the child is having a difficult time talking—don’t help the child with words that you think the child is going to say. Allow the child to tell you what happened in their own words.
  • Tell the child that you are glad that they told you.
  • Tell the child “It was not your fault.”
  • Reassure the child that they are not in trouble.
  • If the child asks you not to tell anyone, remind the child that it is your job to help keep them safe and you will do whatever you may need to do to keep them safe.
  • Do not be overly critical of the offender. Children are protective of people they care about, even if they are being abused.
  • Tell the child you believe them.
  • Don’t express panic or shock.
  • Use the child’s vocabulary to the child and when reporting.
  • Be aware of your own feelings about abuse so that hopefully you will not project these onto the child.
  • Do not ask probing questions.
  • Remember you must report suspected abuse.

Recantation

Recantation is common among children who disclose sexual abuse; approximately 23 percent of children who disclose sexual abuse later recant. Studies show that most children who recant are telling the truth when they originally disclose. Recantation is largely a result of familial adult influences rather than a result of false allegations. Children are more likely to recant when they are younger, abused by a parent figure and who lacked support from the non-offending caregiver. Interestingly, children who were placed in foster care immediately following the disclosure of sexual abuse were slightly less likely to recant then those children who remained with family members. Finally, when looking at reaffirmation rates, the researchers noted that 48.3 percent of the children who recanted their statements of sexual abuse eventually reaffirmed at least some part of those statements.

Children with no emotional reaction

Often there are times when you will encounter children who have been abused and they are emotionally upset, angry about the abuse or show extreme embarrassment. This will most often occur with children who are abused by strangers or when the abuse is a one-time incident. Children who are abused by someone they know and/or are victims of chronic abuse may suffer from depression and thus present with no emotion or a matter-of-fact stance. Sometimes it can be difficult to believe that the incident occurred, especially violent abuse, when the child’s disclosure does not involve any emotion. The fact that the child may be depressed should be taken into account when making the assessment of the child’s statements.

Common myths about child sexual abuse

Children who have a normal medical exam were not sexually abused.

False: The majority of children who have been sexually abused do not have conclusive medical findings that substantiate sexual abuse.

Children make these types of things up for attention.

False: Most victims are very reluctant to disclose abuse; they attach a sense of shame to their victim status, and blame themselves for the abuse.

Only female children are abused.

False: Many boys are victims of sexual abuse.

You will be able to tell if your child has been sexually abused.

False: There is no foolproof way to tell if your child has been sexually abused.

All children who have been sexually abused will become abusers in the future.

False: Appropriate counseling may help prevent the cycle from continuing.Children who have been abused need help dealing with the trauma of abuse.

Children will tell someone when they have been abused.

False: Children are often afraid or ashamed to tell someone about their abuse. Many children are threatened not to tell.

Children are always angry with the abuser.

False: Children can have feelings of anger, fear, love and concern for their abusers. Children can love the abuser but hate what the abuser did.

A child who has been sexually abused once will not let it happen again.

False: Children do not let abuse happen and often cannot protect themselves against adults.

Gentle sexual activities that aren’t forced or don’t involve penetration will not harm the child.

False: Any sexual activity with a child can be emotionally and physically harmful.

Sexual assault by a stranger is more traumatic than sexual abuse by a known adult.

False: Children can be more traumatized when an adult the child knows commits the abuse; because the child’s trust in the adult has been broken.

All sexual offenders are men.

False: Women as well as other children can be sexual offenders.

If an alleged offender insists he or she did not abuse the child, the child must be lying.

False: Most offenders deny that they abuse children. The police and Child Protection services will carefully investigate cases of alleged abuse.

Men who sexually abuse children do not have relationships with women.

False: Men who sexually abuse can be married, have children of their own or be in serious relationships with adult women, it doesn’t make a difference.

You can tell if a person would molest a child by their personality or their appearance.

False: There is no foolproof way to tell if a person would abuse a child. People of all incomes, education levels and professions have been convicted of child sexual abuse.

People who sexually abuse children do so only to achieve sexual pleasure.

False: Many times sexual abuse involves issues of control and power. In other cases, sexual abuse involves unresolved issues of past abuse.

Grooming awareness

Most offenders groom their victims; in other words, they spend time making themselves look nice to their victims and their victims’ families. Many times offenders appear as charming, smart, caring, warm and helpful. Grooming is a process that sometimes occurs over years. It starts by building relationships with potential victims that an offender targets. They may do this by hanging out where children are: schools, malls, playgrounds and parks. They often target children who feel unloved and unpopular and will welcome any adult attention. Children with family problems, who spend time alone and unsupervised, who lack confidence and self-esteem and who are isolated from their peers are all likely targets.

Grooming also often involves building trusting relationships with adults who are in charge of children and may be overwhelmed. Single parents, homes where parents have to work more then one job and caregivers who are sick or disabled may be seen as easy targets by offenders because there is less time and resources to spend on the child. Often this includes helping out the parent by offering to babysit, give rides and even becoming physically involved with the caretaker. Offenders do whatever they have to do to become a trusted part of their life and gain access to their victim. Successful predators find and fill voids in a child’s life.

Once the offender has built that trust and has access to the child, grooming moves in another direction. They start to prepare the child for a physical relationship. The first physical contact between offender and victim is often non-sexual touching designed to break down boundaries: They may hug the child too long, start to play tickle games or have the child sit on their lap. Non-sexual touching desensitizes the child. It breaks down inhibitions and leads to more overt sexual touching—the offender’s ultimate goal. They may “accidently” leave out pornography or start making comments about a child’s physical appearance. An offender will usually introduce secrecy at some point during the grooming process. Initially, secrecy binds the victim to the offender: “Here’s some candy but don’t tell your mother.” Later on, secrecy often includes threats: “If you tell your mother what happened, she’ll hate you. I’ll get in trouble and we’ll never see each other again.”

Eventually the touching moves to sexualized touches. The offender may “accidentally” move his hand up the child’s shirt while tickling them, or put their hand down a child’s pants “to keep them warm”. Children most often react confused and unsure of what to do.

Grooming signs to watch for:

  • Having a “special relationship” with the child. Often wanting alone time and spending unusual amounts of time with them.
  • Offering drugs or alcohol to older children or teenagers.
  • Secrets between the adult and child.
  • Becoming “indispensible” to the caregiver; offering to babysitting and/or having the child sleep over night.
  • Buying their victim and/or caregiver gifts or money for no apparent reason (toys, dolls).
  • Pornography in the house that is “left out” or where the child can see or reach.
  • Commenting on the child’s appearance: how beautiful they are, how grown up they look, how they are developing and even how sexy they are.
  • Talking about sexual topics or participating in sexual acts where the child can see or hear.
  • Talking about problems normally discussed between adults, including marital problems and other conflicts.
  • Having a non-sexual physical relationship with the child such as having the child always sit on their lap, tickling the child or rubbing their back constantly.
  • And they almost always offer a sympathetic, understanding ear. “Your parents don’t understand or respect you? I do. I respect you. I care for you more than anybody else. And I love you. I’m here for you.” They take an undue interest in someone else’s child, to be the child’s “special” friend to gain the child’s trust.

What you need to know about sex offenders

The majority of sex offenders are male, although a small percentage is female. The average age of the sex offender is 31. Sexual offenders usually don’t fit the stereotypes of being dirty old men or strangers lurking in alleys. More often, they are known and trusted by the children they victimize. They may be members of the family, such as parents, siblings, cousins or non-relatives, including family friends, neighbors, babysitters or older peers. There’s no clear-cut profile of a sex offender. About 20—30 percent of offenders were sexually abused as children, but others have no such history. Some are unable to function sexually with adult partners and so prey on children, while others also have sexual relations with adults.

Child sexual abuse is so hard for most people to comprehend because people want to believe it only happens when an offender is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, but that’s not usually the case. Very frequently, abusers are repeat offenders and a significant percent are adolescents.

  • Family members commit 39% of the reported sexual assaults on children (Snyder, 2000).
  • 56% of those that sexually abuse a child are acquaintances of either the child or the family (Snyder, 2000).
  • Only 5% of sexual abuse is perpetrated by a stranger (Snyder, 2000).
  • The younger the victim, the more likely it is that the abuser is a family member. 50% of those molesting a child under 6 were family members. 23% of those abusing a 12—17 year-old child were family members (Snyder, 2000). 34% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by juveniles. In fact, 7% of sexual abuse is perpetrated by youth under the age of 12 (Snyder, 2000).
  • The younger the child victim, the more likely it is that the perpetrator is a juvenile. Juveniles are the offenders in 43% of assaults on children under age 6. 14% of these offenders are under the age of 12 (Snyder, 2000). Homosexual individuals are no more likely to sexually abuse children than heterosexual individuals. (Jenny, et. al., 1994).

The impact of child sexual abuse on adolescents

Children who have been sexually abused may display a range of emotional and behavioral reactions, many of which are characteristic of children who have experienced other types of trauma. A number of factors influence how a child reacts to a specific traumatic event including:

  • Severity of the trauma
  • Extent of exposure to the event
  • History of or presence of other stressors
  • Multiple episodes of abuse or exposure to violence
  • Proximity to the trauma
  • Preexisting mental health issues
  • Personal significance of the trauma
  • Separation from a caregiver during the trauma
  • Extent of disruption in support systems during and after the trauma
  • Parental mental health issues and parent distress
  • Support available from family members
  • Presence of supportive role models in the child’s life
  • There is a growing body of literature that suggests that genetic factors may influence the strength of an individual’s response to any given traumatic event, producing more extreme responses in some children.
  • Although many children who have experienced sexual abuse show behavioral and emotional changes, many others do not.

Traumatized may report vague physical complaints, seek attention from parents and teachers, withdraw from others, experience sleep difficulties, avoid school, show a decrease in school performance and even show regressive behaviors, like the inability to handle tasks and chores that they used to be able to handle. Traumatized adolescents may isolate themselves, resist authority, and become highly disruptive. Because adolescents may experience feelings of immortality, they may experiment with high-risk behaviors such as substance use, promiscuous sexual behavior, cutting, and suicidal behaviors or other risky behaviors, like driving at high speeds or picking fights. Coping behaviors don’t always appear to be negative. Adolescents that internalize things may become perfectionists and over achievers. Always having to prove themselves or be the best. They become good at hiding their pain by always being perfect.

Adolescents may also feel extreme guilt due to not preventing injury or loss to loved ones. They may fantasize about revenge against those they feel caused the trauma. Adolescents typically feel a very strong need to fit in with their peers. This may result in a reluctance to discuss their feelings, even denial of any emotional reactions. Finally, due to their increased maturity, adolescents may show traumatic responses similar to those seen in adults. These responses could include flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbing, avoidance of reminders of the trauma, depression, suicidal thoughts, difficulties with peer relationships and anti-social behavior (e.g., criminal acts).

A list of other behaviors that traumatized adolescents may show includes:

  • Withdrawal from peers/family
  • Substance abuse
  • Delinquent behaviors
  • Perfectionism
  • Change in school performance
  • Self-destructive behaviors
  • Detachment and denial
  • Shame about their fear and vulnerability
  • Abrupt changes in or abandonment of friendships
  • Sexual promiscuity
  • “Pseudo mature” actions such as getting pregnant, leaving school and getting married

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My Dearest Sunshine

March 5, 2015

I never noticed the light had left your eyes. To pretend your whole life that everything was OK; to paint on a smile every single day while your heart was breaking; how difficult that must have been for you to hold it all inside and how amazing you are for accomplishing so much in spite of it all.  I believed you’d always come to me.  I never expected you’d believe you had to protect me. My Cindy Lou, my Sunshine, taking on such a role at such a young age should never have happened and I am so sorry that I never noticed the light leaving your eyes.

I was thinking, why can’t you believe in me and trust in me; at least half as much as I believe and trust in you, but I realize you can’t.  How could you?  I failed you. I should have seen the signs. I should have seen the light leaving your eyes.  I should’ve noticed the pain you hid deep inside.  I am so sorry these things happened to you.  I am sorry I did not protect you from him.  I am sorry I did not make it clear enough that you could tell me anything in the world and I would trust and believe every word and I would take any and all actions necessary to protect you and keep you safe from the one inflicting that pain on you.  I just can’t fix what’s broken if no one ever tells me what’s broken.

I’m sorry that John put all of that stuff all over Facebook.  I am sorry he texted people and called people and said all of those things about you to everyone and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stop him and that nobody else was either.  It’s hurting Devon too.  I tried to get our story out there and you were with me for a bit.  I’m sorry you no longer want me writing, but I have to write.  I have to tell my story and hope that other mothers will become more aware of the signs than I was so that they don’t experience what I am experiencing now and their children don’t live through what mine have lived through.  Had somebody made me aware, maybe I would’ve noticed the light leaving your eyes and maybe, just maybe, I could’ve saved you from him, protected you, done my job as a your Mom.  Besides, John wants me to shut up as do his minions and puppets. When we go silent, he wins.  He gets control again.  I cannot allow that to happen.

I am your mother and you are my daughter.  I have loved you since before I knew when you were coming.  I had been planning you my entire life.  You had a name before you even had a Father, before I had a husband, before I could even create you.  I would never replace you.  I could never replace you.  Never once have I even considered the idea nor would I ever.  You are my one and only Sunshine and you will always be my one and only Sunshine.  You are irreplaceable and you are everything I have always known you would be.  I waited my whole life for you before you came and I will spend my whole life loving you, unconditionally.  I have other children and I love them all.  I have a big enough heart that I can love them and continue to love you.

I know he told you that I love them more than I love you, but he lied. I know that thought he implanted into your mind was triggered when we were in Texas, and you saw me hug Ashley and heard me tell her I love her.  I saw the switch in you flip.  I knew right then that I had just triggered your rage.  Nothing has been the same since that moment.  Know that everything he ever said was a lie.  He said those things to come between us, so you wouldn’t trust me enough to tell me what he was doing to you.  He said those things so that you wouldn’t trust your sisters and so that you wouldn’t have a good relationship with them.  He created chaos and destroyed the relationships between the family members so that nobody would tell anybody else what he was doing to them.  I have triggers too.  You were not his only victim; however, I recognize that you as the ‘golden child’ and Johnny as the ‘scapegoat’ had additional sufferings.

Certain insults are a trigger because I did suffer verbal and emotional abuse during my marriage to your father and now I suffer it from John and from you.  Also from your older brother at times, which I am working on putting a stop to.  I suffer it from you too.  You kids have had some pathetic examples set for you to follow on how to treat your mother.  John was bad about showing you guys that I am worthless and nothing I have to say is important, not even my own decisions and especially my decisions with you kids.  We argued over that quite often.  He’d tell you guys to ask me and I would answer and he’d get mad because I’d give the wrong answer.  Finally, I told him if he doesn’t trust the decisions I make when you kids ask me something, then he should stop sending you to ask me.  You and John argued about that too.  I let you do something and he got pissed off at you because he didn’t want you to do it.  He told you he didn’t care what I had to say about it.  He called me a piss poor excuse of a mother to you.  Imagine that. He was giving you drugs, having you sell drugs, molesting you, manipulating you, degrading you, verbally abusing you and he called me a piss poor excuse of a mother.  I was his mirror.  He was saying that about himself while projecting himself onto me.

He made everybody in the home hate each other by playing games with their weaknesses.  He caused your abandonment issues when he caused your Daddy to stop picking you up for visits.  He then played on those abandonment issues by telling you I’d leave you, or they’d take you from me, or you’d be left all alone if you ever told what he was doing.  Don’t let him win.  Don’t let him get control again.  Your Daddy didn’t mean to abandon you.  He loved you so much.  John made that happen.  He had to isolate you from your Daddy so he could step into that spot and gain your trust.  He chose us as his victims the first day he saw me after Dara left him.  He has been playing with our minds and emotions since day one.

Your sisters didn’t mean to abandon you.  They loved you and still love you, but you were so mean to them back then.  You scared them.  You scared me too at times.  They did not know that you were mean because of the things John carved into your mind.  Your sisters did not even know that both of them were being hurt by John.  They did not come up with some elaborate plan, leaving you out of it, to escape the abuse and abandon you, leaving you behind to continue to be abused.  Ashley only spoke up because Tiffany had spoken up, then they hoped you would speak up if you were experiencing the same abuses. They did not know how long and how often he had been abusing you or of all the threats and promises he had been making you.  They did not know the extent and severity of the abuses he was inflicting on you.  They were just kids, like you, at the time.  They didn’t know anything more than you knew.

Your sisters still love you; they want the best for you and they want you to be OK.  They want a relationship with you again.  They miss you.  They are very sorry for what their father did to you and to everyone else.  I am very sorry too.  I wish I could change everything that has happened and replace the bad memories with beautiful memories, but I do not have that power.  I can only make the future better than the past.

I would never toss you aside for them or anyone else.  I don’t make trades or deals with my children’s lives.  I have told that same thing to John many times; each time he tried to make a deal with all of you.  I do not make deals with children as if they were objects to possess nor do I give in to ultimatums.  He’s given me an ultimatum, too.  If I don’t do as he says, then he will make my life hell.  I am my own person and I am in control of me, not him, so I do what I feel needs to be done.  Like a spoiled brat who has not gotten what he wants, he’s been throwing a tantrum and making my life hell.  So be it.  I will continue to do what I feel is necessary.  I will survive and he will never get what he wants.  This thing that’s going on in our lives with the constant attacks and false rumors he continues to spread to try to finish off our family the rest of the way may never end.  I don’t know.

Take something from a spoiled brat and they tend to throw fits! They will say anything just to hurt! Even get revenge! So so sad!!! ~ John Jaramillo

I am his mirror.  That’s what he said to me.  But he didn’t say it to me; he said it to himself while projecting himself onto me.  I have no idea how long a tantrum like the one he is throwing can last.  I understand it is too much for the injured to bear.  It is too much for you and Devon to bear.  I have done my best to act as a shield for the both of you by putting myself out there and getting between him and the two of you.  It isn’t easy and it brings me pain and heavy burdens, but I can bear it.  My strength as a Mom protecting her children from further harm is greater than he is.  You do not need to worry about me.  You do not need to try to protect me.  I will tend to him.  You focus on yourself and being the kid that you should have been allowed to be all along.  Let Mom handle the monster.  I got this.  Now that I know what’s broken, I know what to fix.

Now you’ve given me an ultimatum. I’m sorry that you are not proud to be my daughter.  I’m sorry that your love for me is not unconditional and that in order to have your love, I have to do as you say.  That is not love.  That is not how love works.  I have done everything to teach you how love works, but I am afraid I am unequipped to undo the damage that John has done and I do not know how to erase the misinformation and ugliness that he has engraved in you.  That is not who you are at the core of your being, is it?  I know that it isn’t.  I know it is John who taught you to be this way.  I taught you differently.  You don’t have to become what he is.  You can still be you.  Not everyone is like him and not everyone is going to hurt you like he did.  No one will hurt you like he did ever again.  No one will be able to once you learn the signs like I’m doing.  I also know you are your father’s daughter and you have his stubbornness, along with many other traits.

Do you know that ultimatums are abuse?  You are attempting to force me to give you what you want regardless of the truth and my feelings and wellbeing.  This is me.  This is who I am.  I am always learning and always growing.  If you cannot accept me as I am, then I will have to accept that.  If I have to change who I am just to be loved by you, then I will have to live without your love because that is not love and it is not you who controls me;  it is me who controls me.  For once in my life, I know who and what I am and I am in control of that.  I am awake.  I am aware.  I am no longer blinded or manipulated.  I see the entire truth, all of its beauty and all of its ugliness. I write the entire truth, both the good and the bad.  I like to write.  It helps me empty my mind, organize my thoughts, put things into perspective, understand more about the events of the past and regain my balance when I go into the negative emotional spin cycle between rage and despair.

I am not afraid to tell my story.  Why are you afraid to tell yours now?  You weren’t afraid before.  You’ve done nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide.  You have nothing to be ashamed for.  There is no shame in admitting somebody hurt you and how they hurt you.  There is also no shame in being honest and admitting your own shortcomings.  You should not be ashamed or embarrassed that you were victimized.  It was not your fault and it was not in your control.  It does not make you less of a person and it does not make you any less intelligent.  You did not make a mistake.  You were taken advantage of by somebody who pretended to love you.  He is a great pretender.  You are becoming a great pretender too.  Don’t let him dictate your future.  Don’t let him finish off what’s left of our family.  We need to stick together and keep our bonds strong.  Together we can fight him and win.  And with all of us together, all seven of us working together, there is nothing he can do to hurt us and we can put him where he belongs.  You could tell your story and it would help you as well as other people that are going through what you have gone through.  You don’t have to take the path of the abuser.  You can take the path of the warrior.  It is your choice.  You have made your decision.  I will accept it as it is.

I accept you for whom and what you are.  I love you unconditionally and I always will.  I will not subject myself no others in my home to abuse.  I cannot have abusive people in my home.  As much as I love you, I cannot allow you to abuse me or anyone else in my home.  You know right from wrong.  You know what it’s like to suffer abuse.  You don’t like it and neither do I.  If you wish to take the easy road, I cannot stop you and I will no longer try.  Monsters are not allowed in my home.  If ever you decide to do the right thing, to act with honor and integrity, the way you used to be and to follow your dreams and live a happy, satisfying life instead of carrying that anger around with you everywhere you go, I’ll be here for you.

All of my love,
        All of my Thoughts with you,
                All of my Prayers for you,
        Always and Forever,
Always Unconditionally,
        With a Heavy Heart,
                By The Grace of God I Go
        Mom

P.S.  I am adding Zac to my story in the next few days and more of my story with you, explaining and demonstrating the abuses I have suffered from the both of you.  I will also be revealing that I am not the only one with a daughter spreading lies about me now.  Participating in the actions of the main abuser.  My best friend has the same issue and the words that came out of her mouth sounded just like yours.  I am no longer tolerating abuse from anyone.  I know you’re hurting, but it is not my fault and I will not allow you, nor Zac, nor Jos to take your anger out on me.  Welcome to adulthood: the place where actions have consequences and you get exactly what you give.

Conversations With a Narcissistic Sociopath – Originally written Oct 27, 2014

"[ Thursday, March 27, 2014 12:20:32 PM ] John Jaramillo (+15202496898): If you're back with Brian why won't you just let my son come live with me?"

"[ Thursday, March 27, 2014 12:22:40 PM ] John Jaramillo (+15202496898): I'm not with anybody"

"[ Thursday, March 27, 2014 7:40:49 PM ] Me: Who said I was back with Brian?"

"And you are with Missy."

"[ Thursday, March 27, 2014 7:43:43 PM ] John Jaramillo (+15202496898): No I'm not with Missy! wtf I fuck around just to see how everyone reacts and all Hell breaks loose. We where just fucking around is all. We haven't even talked sense the races."

"[ Thursday, March 27, 2014 8:16:16 PM ] John Jaramillo (+15202496898): Ok nvm."

Brian and I did get together again in late April. I could not be happier with anyone else than I am with him. He is real and this time, I did a background check to be sure.

He was with Missy. She had already moved in with him. So why was he trying to hide it or lie about it? It wasn't a secret. Everyone already knew.

He is my son too and he can't live there. I will not allow it. Not now. Not ever. Child molesters don't get custody. Even if he weren't a child molester, I still wouldn't allow it. For the same reason why we decided to leave him the first time. For the same reason why the kids were taken from us in 2005 and part of the reason they were taken in 2010. Because the only thing he can teach Devon is how to be a drug dealer and an addict and a liar. Because he is mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive. Because his children are not his number one priority. Because his weed is the most important thing in the world to him. It's more important than being a man and obtaining gainful employment so he can support his family like real men do. It's more important than his other responsibilities. He'd rather have his utilities shut off and use the bill money to get more weed than anything else. He risked the family too many times already and caused damage beyond repair.

Devon woke me up about 3 AM this morning. He didn't come and wake me up. He was crying and his crying woke me up. I went and sat with him on his bed and held him while he cried. As I soothed his cries, I asked him what was wrong. He didn't answer. I asked him if he missed his dad. He said he misses everybody. He misses his family, his sisters and brothers and how things were. My heart hurt for him. I can't fix that. I can't give him that back. It's gone forever. What I can do, is arrange for phone calls and visits so there is something left of all that's lost.

He feels that he would be a better person, happier, different, had he never been taken from his family. I understand that. All the kids would be better had they never gone through that. Had JJ been different and not continued to risk everything.

JJ isn't even done causing damage and now he's drug Missy in to assist him. This time, it's her who has filed false allegations and not just against me now. They've started in on C. She filed false allegations against C too and C and I both have to be in court Thursday morning to address the allegations. If you miss 10 days of school in a quarter, regardless of the reason for missing school and they don't have to be in a row, they put you in audit status. What audit status means is the credits you would earn for the classes that quarter are stripped from you. She's already in audit status. She's worked very hard to recover from 4th quarter of last year, which JJ destroyed through the stalking ad harassing, and has her GPA back. They are talking about her not receiving her credits for any of it which would mean having to retake the classes, not graduate on time, not begin her career as planned, and all the hard work she has put into raising her grades will have been pointless. A big waste of time and effort. I've spoken to the school and been assured she will get her credits, but I do not have that in writing and received another audit status notice since then. I can only pray that they do not strip her of her credits.

There's nothing like victimizing the victims. Dragging them down and destroying them while they are trying to recover and heal and lead a normal life. JJ says the actions they are taking against us will cease as soon as I drop the Order of Protection and Criminal Investigation. And he wants Devon to live with him. So, do I give in and give him what he wants before there's nothing left for him to destroy or do I risk it all to prevent him from damaging Devon any further? I've contacted every agency I can think of for assistance and no one can assist. The Order of Protection isn't doing us any protecting. The belittling, degrading, insulting, defaming, being falsely accused and reported and drug through court by them filing lies against us, even though we prove the reports and filings are untrue, will continue to occur and will continue to escalate because I cannot drop anything. Unlike JJ, my children are my number one priority and I will not make deals with them. They are not commodities nor bargaining tools and I can't give in and let him get away with everything he has done and is doing. Moving isn't feasible at this time. That said, I have to do what I have to do to put an end to this without giving in to him. There's only so much harassment a person can handle and I've had my fill.

I'd give anything for a time machine right now. On the bright side of things, the dark cloud of destruction named JJ is no longer influencing family relations and everyone is getting along better than ever. C spends a lot of time with Devon and does things with him. Devon enjoys cat fishing at night with Brian and I. The kids and I have rebuilt our bonds of love and trust immensely stronger than ever before and we've become quite the unit together. We are the only ones we trust and the only ones we rely on. No one will ever break through these bonds. Our family, although smaller than before, is protective of each other and what is left and we won't let anyone take anything more from us. I'll protect it at all costs and by any means necessary.

Never give up. Show no mercy.

Text exchanges below between JJ and I are from November 2012, when I filed for the Divorce. He had moved in with Cassandra and wanted to move on. He tried bargaining the children then too. I love the way he talks about how he owns everything, paid for everything, yet he's never worked nor earned any money. He only had one car when I moved in with him. I had a job and I started paying bills right away. They were all past due, including his rent. We had to move because he didn't want to pay the rent. The place we moved to, we got evicted from. He wouldn't pay the rent. I got us a house through a friend of George Brown's, my boss at the time. I made the owner an offer to purchase and the owner accepted. I paid the mortgage and all the bills so that nothing got behind, shut off, or foreclosed on. I refinanced and paid off debts and car loans with some of the cash out.

He has no GED nor HS Diploma. He has no job skills. He's worth less than minimum wage. Those are his words, not mine. So how is it all his and why does he claim he paid for everything when I'm the only one that had an income?

He never paid the title loan he took out on my truck and Allied Cash Advance came and took my truck away. I did pay off the Title loan on the Honda that he had promised to Cynthia but then sold. Just like everything else he told the kids was theirs.

He's selling Devon's dirt bike now. The one he picked up for Devon; was going to fix-up with Devon; and tech Devon how to ride but never did. It's not Devon's anymore. He took it back. Nothing belongs to anyone but him. He owns everything and everyone in the household. That is a trait of an abuser.

As for who pushed what children away, that is crystal clear. He has no children. I have all my children, not all living with me, but all still in my life. They left him because they didn't want to be neglected, verbally assaulted, emotionally blackmailed and physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually abused anymore. He destroyed the family, shattered it to pieces and damaged some things beyond repair.

John: "I will probly need a copy to show the new landlord I'm not on that lease. Cause I told him about that one. So he will need proof"

Melissa: "What new landlord?"

John: "Getting a new place away from this one still"

"Melissa: With Cassandra?"

John: "Yes cause she lives in bisbee and we wold like a safe place for all the kids and us to live" [Because the Golden Acres house isn't safe. It's where he deals his weed from.]

Melissa: "That was fast."

John: "I don't know what u mean? I still need a house out side this one for all the kids.
U r seeing other people so we must b done. Must move on. And I can't b alone"

Melissa: "Whatever."

John: "If that's what u say?"

Melissa: "I'm not fucking anybody. Leave me alone right now."

John: "That's not what your text say from your new friends
But ok"

Melissa: "What texts? What new friends? Whatever. Enjoy."

John: "Ok still can't tell me the truth it's cool"

Melissa: "I'm not fucking anybody. FFs. I've been on a couple dates. I've nothing to hide. How long you been fucking Cassandra?"

John: "Not fucking"

Melissa: "Having sex…fucking…at least since November 2nd"

John: "No I'm to busy for that. U can think what u want. I just want a family."

Melissa: "I'm just shocked at how quick you moved on when you supposedly loved me so much. I have a little more paperwork to fill out then you can be free of me."

John: "Nice head game. Let u go fuck around while I wait then come back to me. I don't think so. By the way I saw mark and cathy this weekend at the races and they told me everything u said so your full of it. U meant to hurt me and u did. Thanks I saw mark and cathy this weekend at the races and they told me everything u said so your full of it. U meant to hurt me and u did. Thanks"

Melissa: "I haven't spoken to mark and Cathy. You're off the lease. You cannot go in my home whenever you want any longer.
It's not that you're seeing somebody. It's that you're moving in so soon"

John: "Wow really. Now I'm an enemy. I see your true colors come out" [He wasn't living with me. He wasn't paying my bills. He wasn't providing me with anything at all, yet he thought he should have free access to my home anytime he wanted and when I corrected him, he called me evil.]

***   ***   ***   ***   ***

John: "That's fine. But that's what I mean always seems to be about control. If that's what u want then fine do what u want."

Melissa: "There's also the extreme fear of another CPS case and knowing what you do isn't completely legal"

John: "That's why another house is in play. But what u also do is at risk so don't threaten me.
And what I'm up to is on the up and up as the sherries said when they came by. CPS will not b involved unless u make them
Sheriffs said.
I have two cards in place and the right amount of plants I'm suppose to have. And am done with any others I was dealing with. The store opens December and I plan on going with that mostly and hand most of this over. U just didn't want to understand"
[What you are doing is NOT on the up and up and the Sheriffs said no such thing.  Show me one Sheriff that says it is OK to sell weed to the kids at Buena from the Auto Shop or that it's OK to have kids sell weed for you.  You can't name a single one.  He never did open the store nor did he stop dealing or hand anything over to anyone else. The store was an utter failure, just like everything else in his life. His card expired.  It is still expired, yet he still uses it as an excuse to be a lazy piece of garbage.]

Melissa: "I'm not doing anything at risk nor am I threatening you."

John: "Ok then we understand each other."     [This reads as a threat – subtle – but it's there]

***

John: "If u are going to take him from me then do it now and stop playing games. Your using him as leverage just like u did with my other stuff. If u want to hurt me that bad then just take him from me. I thought u said u would give me a son? Now I see again how it's been this whole time. If u want it all then just take it!
Your breaking my hart anyways."    
   [Absolutely emotional blackmail.  I am not a broodmare.  I did not get pregnant just to hand you a son. You had another son but you beat him regularly starting before he could even walk.]

Melissa: "I'm not taking him from you. I'm filing joint custody and parenting time"

John: "What ever"         [He didn't want joint custody.  He wanted me to hand over Devon and walk away. I had to make adjustments because I learned he was a child abuser and molester.  The law doesn't allow joint custody in that case nor would I ever allow him any type of custody over any of my children again.]

Melissa: "And what you mean other stuff?"

November 16, 2012

John: "Fuck it take it all! Ralph was right"

Melissa: "I'm not taking it all"

John: "Cynthia was right too

"U came into to my life with no transportation and u used my cars and truck to get what u wanted. That's why I say fuck it take it all. I don't care anymore I'm just going to pick up the loses and find new ones.             [You had nothing without me]

"The only thing I can't replace is my one and only son and now u want him too. [He's my son, too.  He's not property to give to one person or the other]

"I didn't take your children from u. U pushed them away. And all I did is love them" [You do not show love to your daughters the same way you do your wife. Beating the boys is not a loving act.  Why does he always have to bring up the children?  Because the children are my number one priority and the only way he can hurt me is through them.]

Melissa: "Slow down"

John: "What u mean slow down u have me fired up now!"

Melissa: "I didn't do anything."

John: "The fuck u didn't!"

Melissa: "First off, everything we have we built together. It's all community property. I am not asking for equal division. Just two vehicles. That's it."     [I walked away without much of anything of all that we had built during the marriage.  He had nothing when we met, except an old car.]

Melissa: "Secondly, with regards to Devon, joint custody is fair and in his best interest. He will stay with you half time and me half time. I'm going to scan the papers and email them so you can see."

John: "Ok if that's how u c it. But I did work my ass of to get that shit."         [Because my perspective, just like my feelings, thoughts and opinions are always wrong.  He is always sure to tell me what my perspective, feelings, thoughts and opinions really are.]

Melissa: "I worked too. We did it together.
And my kids and I are getting along just fine. Do not throw them in my face. Totally inappropriate."

John: "Ok I know u worked but u worked on your own things. And when u did stuff do me I most of the time had pay for it."

Melissa: "We both paid for everything.""

***   ***   ***   ***

Melissa: "I'll be getting off early. You have the renewal for the tags on the dodge?"

John: "No but I can get them. Are u going to. Are u going to make me pay back every thing. If so I think u should give me that mustang. Cause I have money in it too. And if u want me to pay the Honda and dodge truck off that's not fare. Dodge 1900 plus Honda 4 something and tags. What are u going to pay? And the washer and drier u take care of because u got the tv Your not helping take care of any of our loose ends. Your making me pay for it all."  [I paid for everything for the entire 12 years together.  How dare you insinuate I've done nothing and you've done it all.  YOU DON'T EVEN WORK!  How'd you pay for anything without an income?]

Melissa: "I'm paying on the washer/dryer and Honda. I'm going to pay for the tags on the dodge too. The loan on the dodge is your responsibility. I've already caught up on most bills at my new house and finally paid off the last of the gas deposit. So, no, I'm not making you pay for everything."

John: "U didn't say u where paying the Honda the last we text about bills. The bills at your new house like u said your house. But the bills we had together like u said. Why do u think the truck was just my bill when I used the money from it to catch up our other bills. And now u want me to pay it all myself. I had to pay new bills at my new house so we got in the same boat their." [Cassandra paid the bills at the new house]

"But what ever u know I just don't care."

"I just don't understand why u want that mustang outer than to stick it to me. Cause I have some attachment trough that motor that I had built from tom. Now your taking it." [I bought the rebuild kit and paid Tom to build the engine and traded my old restoration project to Tom for part of the engine. The Mustang was donated to the Hobby Shop.]

"And your not going to do anything with it. Except maybe give it to someone who doesn't really deserve it. But again fuck it if that's how you want to stab me ok then."   [More emotional blackmail]

John: "And Devon wants to talk to the judge who settles all the divorce too. And I think he should." [Devon doesn't need that kind of pressure.]

Melissa: "The truck loan helped pay your debt to John."  [His weed supplier.]

Melissa: "With regards to the Mustang, I have an attachment to it as well. We've always called it my mustang. I've always wanted to get it finished and cruise it around which is what I plan to do with it. I'm not sticking it to you or anything like that."

John: "Ill even stop seeing your children just give me my son. And no we used the money to pay the Honda off. And I invested in john to get more money. I thought that's what u thought. Lol"     [Still treating the children as possessions….Yes like I said, you used to pay your debt to John.  Invested in John.  Paid your pot debt and re-upped.  That's what you got the loan on my truck for.  Then, you never paid the loan back and they took my truck away.]

Melissa: "You have a problem with the joint parenting plan? It's 50/50. Totally equal time with him."

Melissa: "So you're going to just dump Ralph and Cynthia?"

Melissa: "Family replaced."

John: "No but he wants me to have main custody not u. He wants me to make Decisions for him."    [You cannot even make decisions for yourself, let alone a child.  We all know what decisions you made for the other children and they were all horrible abusive decisions.]

"No I don't want to but it seems like u want it that way? So I'm willing to please u by staying away from them to have my son"

"I don't care about anyone else but my son"

Melissa: "I'm not making deals with my children's lives. I'll continue to do what's in their best interest. I'm filing the papers this afternoon. You'll need to put your objections in your response then."  [It is not my fault you decided not / failed to participate un your own divorce.   That's what happens when you stay stoned stupid all day every day.  Time slips by and your dumb ass is too fucking lazy to get up and tend to your responsibilities.  The only thing you aren't too lazy to do is crawl in bed with little girls.] 

John: And yes got another family. And going to have more children together witch u said u where done with. I'm not done. And not old. I want more children and u don't. So yeah another family. It's what I need in my life. I lost all the others 😦   [You aren't a young buck, either.  Maybe you should get a job so you can support a family BEFORE you go looking for a family.  You lost all the others…That is nobody's fault but your own.]

Melissa: "When that ones done, I'm sure you'll replace it too. [Didn't like the sexual remarks you made to her daughters, eh?  And now Missy and her girls are the new replacements. ***UPDATE:  Missy is ou t and replaced by Angie and her 13 year old daughter.  ]
I can't have anymore children nor do I want more children." [He'd been trying to talk me into having more kids since the other's were taken. I declined.]

John: "Nice very nice. Thanks"

Melissa: "Welcome. It angers me that you want to use the kids as pawns n make deals with their lives.
I really cannot believe you suggested that."            [This is a good place to say "I told you so".]

John: "Then just give me my son and get on with your life"

Melissa: "I don't dispose of my children. Joint custody, 50/50, best interest for Devon."    [Sadly, I was mistaken.  Joint, 50/50 is not in Devon's best interest.  Devon's best interests are served by JJ not having any custody, decision making, or involvement in his life what-so-ever.]

John: "U r the one using the kids ask them
If u say so
Your in control anyways so it doesn't matter anything I say or do."

Melissa: "Do not fight me on this please. I'm his mom and your his dad and there's nothing wrong with the way the parenting plan is written. I have to be in control. It is my life and I control my life."                  [Everything could've been so simple.  I made it so easy.  Equal time with Devon, you got the house, all the cars save my transportation to and from work plus my project, all of the other assests of the marriage.  I got all new everything and took nothing.  You weren't satisfied with that.  You wanted it all and for me to walk away completely empty handed.  you even wanted me to walk away from our son and abandon him like you did your other three children.  You are seriously mental.]

***   ***   ***   ***   ***

I haven't been silent, but I don't think I have been loud and clear enough. The easiest way to explain it so people understand and stop calling me crazy it to show them in JJ's own words and other things. I'll be doing the documentation of the signs of the sexual abuse soon. Medical records documenting the physical side-effects of the abuses and sexual abuse suffered by the children as well as the emotional and mental effects. There are others I will be listing as well that are long-term side effects and only now being discovered and documented. No, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or if I'll regret this. But…I get an inbox once in a while containing a thank you and/or words of encouragement. So…I shall carry on and hope for the best.

The children have done nothing wrong. They are not mentally deficient not handicapped. They carry the scars of their childhood just like everyone else. Some need a little more help getting past the past than others, but they are all beautiful, wonderful kids in spite of what JJ put them through.

 

No More Silence

http://nomoresilence.jigsy.com/

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2008/10/inside-mind-of-abuser.html?m=1

 

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2008/10/inside-mind-of-abuser.html?m=1

NO CONTACT RULE

Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And…there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ‘no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.