A Personal Note

Last year was such a whirlwind for me, that I never really paused to breathe.  Things just kept hitting me one after another.  Finally, I have time to breathe and reflect on all that I’ve learned, witnessed, and experienced.

Everything happens for a reason.  That’s so cliche.  I do believe it is true.  I have learned more about myself as a person and those around me in this past year and a half than I had in my entire life.  The most important thing I’ve learned is who I am.  Think about it.  Do you know yourself as a person?  I don’t mean as you; I mean as an individual?  Imagine floating outside of your body and watching yourself throughout the day, what you do, where you spend your time, who you talk to, how you talk to them, what you wear, how you react to different situations, etc etc etc.  Look at yourself as if you were somebody else and then ask yourself what kind of person you are.  Would you like that person if you spent time with him?  What would you change if you could?

I know me and I never knew me before.  I can feel again.  I can love again.  I am human and I make many mistakes.  So are and do you.  Everyone does.  You know what?  That’s OK.  It’s OK to mess up.  You don’t have to be perfect.  You are perfectly imperfect being who you are.  I’ve watched others act a certain way just so their friends would continue to like them.  Those are not friends.  Those are robots.  They are afraid to live for themselves and simply follow the crowd.

My Brian is still my Brian.  My head was so twisted up that I couldn’t grasp the normalcy in his words.  This is part of the “this relationship is so different than any other relationship I’ve been in, I don’t know how to act” plot.  It’s all still new to me.  I’m still learning.  I’m so quick to go into self-defense mode because that’s what I’m used to that I forget to pause and mess things up for myself.  I can admit that.  I refuse to allow the damages done to continue to affect me and my future.  It takes hard work.  I have to keep remembering that this is not the same path.  The results won’t be the same.  Shut up and have patience, Mel.

I would’ve shut my phone down too.  I get it.  I’m just not used to it.  So I will work on things and I will make it better.  Everything is getting better in its own way.  I’m excited to see the glimpses of the future as it begins to form.  Mo more silence.  They never could shut me up.  I am still standing and I am standing so much stronger than I ever have before.  I fear nothing yet many fear me.  I don’t think they should; yet I suppose if I were doing things with bad intentions that I would fear those who always tried to do what’s right regardless of how it makes the crowd look at me.  I am not a robot and I am proud to stand alone when it is called for.

Think outside the box.  Learn who you are.  Make your own decisions.  Face your fears.  That is what I call living.  It feels good to be alive.

Love God’s Grace,

Mel

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Johnny’s Resilience and Ability to Stand up for Himself

I am very fortunate to have such wonderful and forgiving children.  Some of them are, anyway.  I’m talking about my step-children, although I never considered them steps.  They’ve always just been my kids with the other three.  In 2010, when the family disintegrated, I did not do things the way a good parent would have.  I was shocked, blindsided, hurt, and had been fed so many lies by John that I believed the lies and thought the truth was a lie.  I hurt my step-children.  I called them names.  I yelled and asked them why they were doing this to us and asked how they could do this to their own father.

Fast forward, they were doing what I taught them to do.  They were standing up for themselves and the truth even though they were standing up against their father and I.  I’m very proud of them for that.  It takes a lot of courage and strength to stay the course and continue on the path of truth when it’s you against the world.  They survived it.  I will survive it as well.  They have forgiven me and they are by my side.  I am so blessed.  Johnny has always made me laugh.  I gotta tell ya, that boy, no matter what they (the family), he was always willing to keep trying to make everyone love him.  He never gave up.  I am amazed by his resilience.  Johnny is great.

Not long ago, Johnny took it upon himself to tell his “dad” a thing or two.  He texted me and told me all about it.  He even sent me what he had sent him.  He had actually posted this on his “dad’s” Facebook wall.  I use “dad” in quotes when related to Johnny because John is not Johnny’s biological father.  John was in prison when his wife, Johnny’s mom, became pregnant with Johnny.  That story will be told with much more of Johnny’s story over the passing days.  It explains why Johnny was chosen as the Scapegoat.  A little information about cheating on a Narcissistic Sociopath:

When you cheat on a narcissist though they cannot ever conceive of the idea that they aren’t enough. That you would dare to find someone else is beyond their comprehension. So if you do find someone that you aren’t a mirror of sometimes you get involved because they really care or you project that on them. Narcissist can be dangerous to cheat on as well as sociopaths as they will never admit that they are not the object of your adoration. They will stop at nothing to get what they want which is you. They may not even want you any more but you have become their property.

The injury caused by the cheating wouldn’t have been that bad, had she not also become pregnant.  To make matters worse, she gave birth to a son.  She gave another man something the narcissistic sociopath did not have but wanted:  a son to mold and shape in his own image.  The major N Injury caused an everlasting N Rage that was taken out on Johnny every chance John had.  He saw Johnny as the enemy and he hated Johnny.  Perhaps, it is because Johnny looks just like his Father.  I’ll get to that too.  For now, enjoy the conversation Johnny and I had.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:14:25 PM ] Johnny:   I hope john dosent get offended

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:14:27 PM ] Johnny:   Of what I said

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:17:59 PM ] Me:   John who? Jj? I wouldn’t worry about offending him. Say what you feel and always be honest. Those who take offense can’t handle the truth. 🙂 I love ya. Three days until I get to see you! 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:19:07 PM ] Johnny:   Ya

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:19:12 PM ] Me:   I didn’t see what you said or where though. And jj has me blocked so I can’t see anything he says. I’m sure I’m not missing anything.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:03 PM ] Johnny:   In moment ill forward it to yoy

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:13 PM ] Johnny:   You

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:33 PM ] Me:   Ok. Cool.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:29:06 PM ] Johnny:   I said

“if you like my aunt why dident you marrie her instad of my mother shed probably still be alive now and you woudent have ruined my life but this is just making matters wors. just don’t hurt shawnna or jazmine or my aunt I would hate to get my hands dirty. And if you do marrie my aunt at least be a better father and husband to them then you where to my mother and Melissa. And I sure am glad my gpa paul is there as a fautherly figure than you and I am glad I’m not even related to you and that your not my real dad thank you for your time.”

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:37:12 PM ] Johnny:   Its long I know

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:37:48 PM ] Me:   Releasing a little anger, are you? There’s nothing wrong with what you said but be prepared for him to say a lot of hurtful things and lie and try to manipulate you. He does it to everyone that stands up to him. Stay strong and don’t give in. Don’t give him any power over you. And unfortunately, he can’t be a good father or a good husband. He’s too selfish. He won’t even stop smoking weed for the sake of his children. And he hurt Cynthia the same way he hurt Tiffany and Ashley and I’m praying missy wakes up and gets jazzy out if there before he hurts her too. :/ And I’m sorry I let him manipulate me and I believed his lies and I hurt you because of it. I love you. You’re still my son and I’m still your mom. I’m trying to make everything right. I’m looking forward to seeing you. I miss you so much! I miss you making me laugh. I sent the girls their cards and am sending you one too but I have to finish making it first. 🙂 Keep standing your ground and speaking your mind. I got your back. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:38:37 PM ] Me:   By the way, what you said to him, I think you’re right. ❤ 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:42:59 PM ] Johnny:   LOL akways

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:49:48 PM ] Me:   Most excellent! You’re a terrific young man. And smart too. 🙂  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:50:37 PM ] Johnny:   I know thank you

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:19:50 PM ] Me:   Life is getting good son. Almost everything is as it should be. I’ll see you in a few days. Call me anytime you want to.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:21:08 PM ] Johnny:   OK I need john vgay gays phone number to finish what I started

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:21:38 PM ] Me:   Lol! Ummm…what did he say to you? 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:22:24 PM ] Me:   Tell me first and I’ll decide if you should have his number or not. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:23:32 PM ] Johnny:   he said that gpa talt me well with language what a shame. and I’m not done with him

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:24:35 PM ] Me:   You didn’t say not one curse word. You should see what he writes to Tiffany.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:25:25 PM ] Me:   You’re language was much better than his and you’re only 15. You’ll get a high school diploma too. He never did. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:25:50 PM ] Johnny:   and he called me a dumb ass for some reason

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:27:01 PM ] Me:   He called you a dumb ass because he’s immature and he can’t handle truth and honesty. Especially when it’s the truth about himself. 

  • If someone criticizes them or says something that causes them to feel insulted, the feeling will cause them to react violently toward their victim. This is the only outlet that they know to use to quell feelings of inadequacy.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:27:53 PM ] Johnny:   ha he blocked me what a loser. he runs away from a feeble fight LOL.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:28:40 PM ] Johnny:   ya

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:28:53 PM ] Me:   I don’t want him to hurt you. :/ He will say things to hurt you.  

He blocked you so you won. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:29:56 PM ] Johnny:   Oh trust me he can’t hurt me any more I’m stronger then him

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:32:23 PM ] Me:   I’ll give you his number so you can tell him what you need to tell him. Do not let his words hurt you and if they do, don’t let him know they do. 

You are stronger than him. Even moreso now that almost all my kids are on a united front, standing up to him, with my full support.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:00:25 PM ] Johnny:   ha he has weak comebacks I won again

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:01:54 PM ] Me:   Do you know how to screen shot and send the pic or forward it? I’d like to see what you’re getting into. I’ll get the blame for it and I like to be prepared. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:03:45 PM ] Johnny:   I do and I made sure he dosent know its you

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:05:46 PM ] Me:   He’s going to blame me either way. He blames everything on me and spreads lies about me. He needs to accept reality. Reality is, it’s his entire fault. He did it all to himself.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:05:58 PM ] Johnny:  He (JJ) said

“Lol nice try! Now I know who told you that lie! Now you going to lie for them too? Karma will get you for your thoughts. And yes you are a little kid who about to get him self in deep water! Juvenile hall sounds good for you about now the way your headed. Keep making threats for others. Gets you no where. Bye!!!!”

  • The abuser will swear that events never occurred and that certain things were never said. The victim knows better, but over time will begin to question their sanity.
  • Abusers use threats to cultivate anxiety, despair and the ability to resist.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:08:24 PM ] Me:   You won’t go to juvie. I’ll protect you. He’s worried he’s going to jail for the rest of his life for being a child molestor. He doesn’t want anyone to know what he really is.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:09:23 PM ] Johnny:   oh I know

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 8:24:43 AM ] Me:   Would you like to write a statement about how jj treated you growing up to be read in court at my hearing coming up?

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 10:18:55 AM ] Me:   Up to you. If you wanted him to hear it and wanted it on record, the option is available.

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 11:55:19 AM ] Johnny:   I’m gunman talk the GPA about it.

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 11:58:27 AM ] Me:   Ok. If he has any questions, he can call me. Thought you might like a different outlet than last nights activity. ❤

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 12:02:54 PM ] Johnny:   OK LOL

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:09:51 PM ] Me:   Are you behaving today?

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:10:50 PM ] Johnny:   know never LOL ya

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:13:18 PM ] Me:   Well, if no one else bails you out of jail, call me and I’ll do it. :-p  

That’s a joke. Don’t go to jail. It’ll mess up your military career. I know you won’t though. Your grandpa  raised you right and you’ll never be like jj. I love you kiddo!

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:45:45 PM ] Johnny:   your darn tooten correct about GPA

Here is the statement Johnny wrote.

Johnnys Statement

.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._Something I wrote late last year in my FB notes:

I remember shortly after JJ and I got together, we moved to a place on Calle Alamo.  We weren’t there very long.  We had a friend, Jeff, staying with us.  We called him Jeffrey the Butler.  He would clean up and look after the kids while we were at work.  I noticed a bruise on Johnny’s back one day. Not just any bruise and not on his buttocks, but a distinct handprint in the center of Johnny’s back.  The bruise was too big to be from any of the other kids and was attributed to Jeff.  I’m pretty sure it was JJ that gave him that bruise.

The grandparents had seen it and I believe Mary did as well.  A photo was taken by somebody and it was  reported to CPS.  CPS didn’t visit until later after we moved to 2nd St in Huachuca City.  More bruises had  come and gone by then.  Johnny was always bruised up.  I worked and J took care of the kids.  I was always told it was from rough play – the metal bars on the bunk beds, falling down and hitting his head, etc.  I’ve  since then learned that both Ralph and Johnny weren’t just spanked, they were more like beat down:  shoved to the ground and punched and kicked while being degraded, insulted and belittled.

  • Abusers degrade their victims in order to damage their self-esteem and make them think they are unable to face life on their own. 
  • Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.

This is what went  on after I went to work.  Why and how would and could somebodydo that?  JJ used to tell me how his father punished him while he was growing up.  He would describe something similar to what my boys describe.  He  would tell me how it was wrong, abusive and he hated his father for it.  People like JJ most likely suffered a great amount of abuse during their childhood.

  • Many people who are abusers have experienced or witnessed violence during their childhood. This leaves them with a feeling of worthlessness and low self esteem, which in turn traumatizes them and leaves life-long emotional scars.

Some children of abuse get help and grow up to be wonderful people and others, turn into the abuser.  That’s the cycle of abuse. Perhaps that is the why and the how.  Some of the damages done by long-term abuse is irreversible.

Self esteem can be damaged beyond repair

Drugs and alcohol are perfect for covering up past abuses.  It is those that cover it instead of taking it head on to put it behind them that have to higher propensity to become the abuse.

  • Many abusers are alcoholics or use drugs frequently.

There is nothing JJ can do at this point to make me feel any differently than I feel about him now.  He’s had an opportunity to get help and to change. He has had many.  He has always refused.  He has always sworn he didn’t need it.  He claims there is nothing wrong with him.  Not only does he swear and claim these things, he believes them 100%.  He will never admit he has done anything wrong.  He is incapable of it.

  • The abuser will often redefine situations to blame others for his troubles. Abusers will seldom admit that they are wrong, or for that matter, less than perfect. It’s always someone else’s fault when they act inappropriately.
  • Abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, but try to justify their behavior by making excuses. 

The only place for him, is a 6×8′ cell.  I’ll never allow him to harm any of my children again.  That’s why I need this severance. So Devon has a real future ahead of him.  The only thing he has to gain with having JJ in his life to influence him is nothing. I can’t think of one positive thing that can come out of him having JJ in his life.  To be belittled, insulted, defamed, degraded, abused, manipulated, and held back from reaching full potential is the complete opposite of what’s in anyone’s best interest.

I’ll have more tomorrow or the next day.

Love always,

Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

When the Abuser Choses to Heal & An Open Love Letter to Your Inner Child

I don’t remember where I found this gem.  I saved it a while back and just found it by accident.

That means, it is time to share it.  Everyone has a right to be loved.  Everyone matters.  Even those who hurt us matter and deserve to be loved.  Most people who hurt other people have been hurt themselves.  I’ve been hurt and some times, when the hurt keeps coming, I hurt back.  I think it is very rare that we run into those who are truely pure evil and simply born that way.  When those who have been hurt begin to heal, their need to hurt fades into the darkness as they begin to shine brighter in the light.  We have all hurt back and we can all understand.  Is it possible to show a little love and compassion, even for those who hurt you?  If nothing else, allow them the opportunity no one else allowed them.  Allow them the peace they need in their lives to heal from their past hurts. Life is too short to carry so much anger, bitterness, and hatred inside of you.  You have to let it go else you will become the monster you are fighting.

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An Open Love Letter to Your Inner Child
{Amélie – Screenshot}

To the child who couldn’t understand

why nobody could understand.

To the one whose hand was never taken,

whose eyes were never gazed into by

an adult who said,

“I love you.

You are a miracle.

You are holy,

right now and

forever.”

To the one who grew up in the realm of “can’t.”

To you who lived “never enough.”

To the one who came home to no one there, and

there but not home.

To the one who could never understand why

she was being hit

by hands, words, ignorance.

To the one whose innocence was unceremoniously stolen.

To the one who fought back.

To the one who shattered.

To the never not broken one.

To the child who survived.

To the one who was told she was

sinful, bad, ugly.

To the one who didn’t fit.

To she who bucked authority

and challenged the status quo.

To the one who called out

the big people for

lying, hiding and cruelty.

To the one who never stopped loving anyway.

To the child that was forbidden to need.

To the ones whose dreams were crushed

by adults whose dreams were crushed.

To the one whose only friend

was the bursting, budding forest.

To the ones who prayed to the moon,

who sang to the stars

in the secrecy of the night

to keep the darkness at bay.

To the child who saw God

in the bursting sunshine of

dandelion heads

and the whispering

clover leaf.

To the child of light who cannot die,

even when she’s choking

in seven seas of darkness.

To the one love

I am and you are.

You are holy.

I love you.

You are a miracle.

Your life,

your feelings,

your hopes and dreams–

they matter.

Somebody failed you but you will not fail.

Somebody looked in your eyes and saw the sun — blazing — and got scared.

Somebody broke your heart but your love remains perfect.

Somebody lost their dreams and thought you should too,

but you mustn’t.

Somebody told you

that you weren’t

enough

or too much,

but you are

without question

the most perfect

and holy creation of

God’s

own

hands.

*****

{You Are Loved}

NO CONTACT RULE

Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And…there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ‘no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.

Letters to our Fathers

Letters to our fathers is a special project I have decided to take on.  My goal is to publish a compilation of letters written by those who have suffered or are currently suffering abuses at the hands of their fathers.  Before anyone says it, yes, I know mothers abuse children too, but for this particular project, I will be focusing on the father.

My hopes are for this project to serve multiple purposes.  I want to do more than just BREAK THE SILENCE.  I want to SHATTER it.  I want to make so much noise that we wake up the whole world.  Alright, so that may be pushing it just a bit.  I will settle for waking up a dozen people for every letter that’s published.  Several things have occured in the recent past that have led me to come up with this idea and begin this project.  I’ll start from the beginning, but I will be brief, with only that which directly pertains to this particular article.

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As I began my adventure down the path of healing, memories and thoughts of past and present events flooded my mind.  Everything was all mixed up.  The more I learned about the abusive situations my children experienced, the worse it got.  My head spun.  I was in information overload.  I needed to know everything that happened while I was at work and while I was asleep and I needed to remember it all.  I began to make a note each time I remembered something or heard something.  I would make the note right away using whatever method of writing I had at the time.  I made notes in emails to myself, on envelopes and slips of paper, in the notepad on my cell phone, in noebooks if one was near by, and my mind began to clear.  I began to think clearly.  That was a start.  It was still a mess.  My notes were scattered and disorganized and I couldn’t find a thing.  That made me frantic; my head started spinning again.  I was so consumed and overwhelmed with all of this that I couldn’t focus on my everyday tasks at work and at home.  I had to get back in control.  I had to take back the power that my ex-narcso took from me.  I could not allow him to continue to consume every minute of my days.

Wear your tragedies as armor

When I was younger and bad things happened, I would write.  Writing helped me put everything into perspective and clear my mind.  I needed everything in one place and I needed to tell my story.  I began a blog.  My ex-narcso reads my blog.  He mentions some of the things I write to others.  He isn’t too happy about it but I am not writing for his happiness.  I am writing to clear my mind, organize my memories, put things into perspective, regain my power and let others know they are not alone.  Exposing him for what he truely is happens to be a consequence of my actions and I am perfectly OK with that.  I refused to continue to be his victim.  I became a warrior to protect my children and see that they get the justice they deserve.  He attacked and I fought back.  He attacked again and I fought back again.  Each time I fought back, I grew stronger.  I began to win some battles.  The healing that comes from defeating your abuser is strong.  Eventually, he had no power left over me and I won every battle.  The battle continues, but he is wearing out and he is now playing the victim.  He attacks, he loses. then he cries about it.  Isn’t that something?

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My biggest fear is one day being as oblivious to my children's sufferings as my parents were to mine.

My daughter posted this on her FB page. The comment she made with it was along the lines of “How fitting for my life”.

Originally, I began looking for a way to give others who have been abused an opportunity to tell their stories and begin to take their power back. Some of my children have told portions of their stories and they have been published.  They have their power back.  People try to silence us.  We will not be silent.  If you cannot look the truth in the eye because it is too ugly to look at, then you have a problem.  How can you protect your children from the evils of the world if you refuse see it?  Knowledge is power.  Ignorance is bliss.  I understand those cliche’s now.  There are grave dnagers in remaining blissfully ignorant.  I’ve seen people say they know these things happen, they just don’t want to hear about it or read about it.  My reply to them is along the lines of informing them that I knew they existed too and I didn’t want to hear or read about them.  I was blissfully ignorant.  My children suffered for many years and I never even seen the signs.  How could I?  I didn’t know what the signs were.  I ignored the truths of the world because they were too ugly to look at and my ignorance left me unable to protect my children from them.

We cannot be silent.  We ust break the silence, tell or stories, take control and raise awareness abour the ugly truths.  In doing this, we heal ourselves.

If you or somebody you know has expierenced abuse by his or her father, and you want the father to hear what you have to say to him, I am collecting letters to fathers for this project.  Those letters will be published sometime in the next two weeks.  You can write them anonymously or you can use names.  I used to write anonymous but I am no longer afraid.  I am not ashamed.  It is not my fault.  The opinions of others no longer matter.  I have to do this for me.  I need to heal so I can help my children continue to heal.  I am not a victim.  I am a warrior.

2014-12-08 20.59.56-2If you aren’t sure what to write, here are some ideas.  Tell your father what he did to you.  Be graphic if you want to.  Tell him how it made you feel.  Tell him what you wanted and needed him to be for you.  Tell him what successes you have had without his help.  Tell him is you want to be in his life or not.  Tell him if you plan to tell your children they have a grandfather or not. 2014-12-05 02.56.06 Tell him anything and everything you want him to hear.  If you provide me with his contact information, I will do everything I can to see to it that he is aware of your letter to him and where to find it to read it.  If he knows about it, he will read it.  It’s part of who they are.  They have to know what others are saying about them.  Exposing them is worse than imprisoning them in their minds.  At least in prison they can still play the victim and claim they were falsly accused.  Expose them, and you take away their victim card.

Email your letters to melliving@icloud.com and write Letters to our Fathers in the subject line so I’ll know what it is and it won’t end up labled spam.  Some of my children are writing letters too.  There is strangth in nubers and together we are much stronger than them.  We have truth and Grace on our side.  They cannot hurt us.2015-01-03 09.07.46-2

With the business out of the way, I wanted to send a message to somebody who made a comment about my methods of breaking the silence.

 Screenshot_2014-12-11-11-44-01_2-1Ms. Rugersmom, why do you feel sorry for my children?  Do you know how many children I have?  Do you know how old they are?  Do you know their stories?  What do you think breaking the silence means and where did you get that idea from?  Once it is on the internet, it never goes away.  I would hope not!  Why would we not blast it out everywhere?  Thank you for your opinion but I am here to tell you it is based on ignorance.  Blissful ignorance.  We don’t want your smpathy.  Don’t you poor babies my children.  You have no idea the paths we have been down nor what it takes to repair the damages that have been done.  Lies about us have been blasted on the internet.  Are we to sit in silence and allow ourselves to continue to be abused or should we stand up for ourselves and fight back?  I suggest you open your eyes lady.  It is the monsters that want us to remain silent and when you want us to remain silent as well, you are helping the monsters.  Think about it.  You can reply to me in the comment section and I will be sure to publish it.2014-12-27 06.18.45

 Screenshot_2015-01-05-04-17-16-2This one comes from a friend of the enemy.  He cannot handle the ugly truth.  It is too ugly for him to see.  The sad part is that he has children.  I just hope he does not allow his children to be in John’s care without any other adults around to keep watch.  Mr. Mead, what part of the truth are you afraid of?  I shall not be shutting my yap anytime soon.  It’s ugly all right but I am not afraid like you are.  I will repeat it where ever and when ever it needs to be repeated.  You may also reply to me in the comments section and I will publish your comment as well.

opinionatedTo the both of you, do some research and educate yourselves.  It is unwise to speak about things you have no knowledge of.  You make yourselves look foolish.  I am glad that once something is on the Internet, it is there forever. 2014-12-08 20.59.56-1 - Copy Be blessed,

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace
growing in gods grace

Never Give In, Never Back Down, Show No Fear, Show No Mercy

no fear no mercy never give in never back downThat’s the motto I’ve adopted for this battle that I am fighting.  I entered this battle and hit it head on without knowing the full extent of what I would be fighting against.  I broke the first rule of war:  know your enemy better than you know your friend.  Never did I realize evil of this nature actually existed in the real world nor did I ever expect evil of even a smaller scale to crash land into my life, destroying everything in it’s path.  I know now what I am up against, the evils that exist in this world and it has hit us hard, with ever-lasting effects.  The battle I have waged against the evil that has damaged us beyond repair, exposing the monster behind the mask, standing up for what is right, protecting my own from further damage by standing between them and the monster, taking all the bullets being fired, carrying their burdens for them, saving a child because I was asked to save her and searching for justice for those damaged is a very long and exhausting road to travel.

I am tired.  I am worn.  I have been cracked and broken and shattered a million times since the war began and I am still standing tall.  I can fight this battle to the end.  BUT.  In the midst of battle, we lose sight of some of the important things in life.  We are fighting for justice for what has happened in the past but we are not paying enough attention to the present or the future.  This battle has consumed me so much so, that I cannot eat, as I am so sick to my stomach over the things I’ve learned and am learning.monsters-nietzsche  I cannot sleep, as when I close my eyes I see images of the things I’ve learned and am learning.  The wounded and exhausted warrior does not think clearly, can make costly mistakes, and is slow to react.  The wounded and exhausted warrior must be pulled off the battlefield, against his wishes to remain and fight, to heal and regain his strength and only then can he return to the battlefield.  Kings re-evaluate battle plans to find better ways when the war is at a stalemate and there is no end in site.  He knows his warriors can only last so long without rest and without the hope that comes from making progress.  I have lost track of my financial obligations and my house has become in disarray.  My children, who are my number one priority, have fallen to number two, second to the war.  I have become the one doing the damage.  I am becoming the monster.  That is unacceptable.

The Art Of Being A Warrior Is To Balance The Wonder And The Terror Of Being Alive. - Carlos CastanedaI have lost my balance and that is not good.  I cannot afford to fall down.  There is too much at stake.  I need to find my balance again.  It is necessary to take a break and rest and heal.  I am no good to anyone wounded, exhausted and without balance.  The mistakes I make can be costly.  This warrior is going to take a step back, heal, rest, re-examine, re-prioritize, tand to the present and let the powers that be handle the past and the battle for a bit.  I will continue to write and meet the rumors and gossip and lies head-on and I will continue to spread the truth.  I am not quitting.  I changing course.  I am taking a path that leads to me becoming the monster that I am fighting against.

~Mel

SPIRITUAL WARRIOR

Life offers us the opportunity to become a Spiritual Warrior.
A warrior is one who bravely goes into those dark areas within
themselves to ferret out the Truth of their being.
It takes great courage, stamina and endurance to
become a Spiritual Warrior.
The path is narrow, the terrain rough and rocky.
You will walk alone: through the dark caves,
up those steep climbs and through the dense thick forest.
You will meet your dark side. The faces of fear, deceit, and
sadness all await your arrival
No one can take this journey but you.
There comes a time, in each of our lives,
when we are given the choice to follow this path.
Should we decide to embark on this journey,
we can never turn back…. Our lives are changed forever
On this journey, there are many different places we can
choose to slip into and hide. But the path goes on.
The Spiritual Warrior stays the course, wounded at times,
exhausted and out of energy. Many times, the Warrior will
struggle back to their feet to take only a few steps before
falling again.
Rested, they forge on,
continuing the treacherous path.
The journey continues. The Spiritual Warrior
stays the course. Weakened, but never broken.
One day, the battle, loneliness and desperate fights are over.
The sun breaks through the clouds; the birds begin to sing
their sweet melodies. There is a change in the energy.
A deep change within the self.
The warrior has fought the courageous fight.
The battle of the dark night of the soul is won.
New energy now fills the Warrior.
A new path is now laid before them.
A gentler path filled with the inner-knowing
of one who has personal empowerment.
With their personal battle won, they are filled with joy.
A new awareness that they are one with the Spirit beams
as they go forth to show others the way.
They are not permitted to walk the path for others.
They can only love, guide and be a living example
of the Truth of their being.