A Personal Note

Last year was such a whirlwind for me, that I never really paused to breathe.  Things just kept hitting me one after another.  Finally, I have time to breathe and reflect on all that I’ve learned, witnessed, and experienced.

Everything happens for a reason.  That’s so cliche.  I do believe it is true.  I have learned more about myself as a person and those around me in this past year and a half than I had in my entire life.  The most important thing I’ve learned is who I am.  Think about it.  Do you know yourself as a person?  I don’t mean as you; I mean as an individual?  Imagine floating outside of your body and watching yourself throughout the day, what you do, where you spend your time, who you talk to, how you talk to them, what you wear, how you react to different situations, etc etc etc.  Look at yourself as if you were somebody else and then ask yourself what kind of person you are.  Would you like that person if you spent time with him?  What would you change if you could?

I know me and I never knew me before.  I can feel again.  I can love again.  I am human and I make many mistakes.  So are and do you.  Everyone does.  You know what?  That’s OK.  It’s OK to mess up.  You don’t have to be perfect.  You are perfectly imperfect being who you are.  I’ve watched others act a certain way just so their friends would continue to like them.  Those are not friends.  Those are robots.  They are afraid to live for themselves and simply follow the crowd.

My Brian is still my Brian.  My head was so twisted up that I couldn’t grasp the normalcy in his words.  This is part of the “this relationship is so different than any other relationship I’ve been in, I don’t know how to act” plot.  It’s all still new to me.  I’m still learning.  I’m so quick to go into self-defense mode because that’s what I’m used to that I forget to pause and mess things up for myself.  I can admit that.  I refuse to allow the damages done to continue to affect me and my future.  It takes hard work.  I have to keep remembering that this is not the same path.  The results won’t be the same.  Shut up and have patience, Mel.

I would’ve shut my phone down too.  I get it.  I’m just not used to it.  So I will work on things and I will make it better.  Everything is getting better in its own way.  I’m excited to see the glimpses of the future as it begins to form.  Mo more silence.  They never could shut me up.  I am still standing and I am standing so much stronger than I ever have before.  I fear nothing yet many fear me.  I don’t think they should; yet I suppose if I were doing things with bad intentions that I would fear those who always tried to do what’s right regardless of how it makes the crowd look at me.  I am not a robot and I am proud to stand alone when it is called for.

Think outside the box.  Learn who you are.  Make your own decisions.  Face your fears.  That is what I call living.  It feels good to be alive.

Love God’s Grace,

Mel

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Johnny’s Resilience and Ability to Stand up for Himself

I am very fortunate to have such wonderful and forgiving children.  Some of them are, anyway.  I’m talking about my step-children, although I never considered them steps.  They’ve always just been my kids with the other three.  In 2010, when the family disintegrated, I did not do things the way a good parent would have.  I was shocked, blindsided, hurt, and had been fed so many lies by John that I believed the lies and thought the truth was a lie.  I hurt my step-children.  I called them names.  I yelled and asked them why they were doing this to us and asked how they could do this to their own father.

Fast forward, they were doing what I taught them to do.  They were standing up for themselves and the truth even though they were standing up against their father and I.  I’m very proud of them for that.  It takes a lot of courage and strength to stay the course and continue on the path of truth when it’s you against the world.  They survived it.  I will survive it as well.  They have forgiven me and they are by my side.  I am so blessed.  Johnny has always made me laugh.  I gotta tell ya, that boy, no matter what they (the family), he was always willing to keep trying to make everyone love him.  He never gave up.  I am amazed by his resilience.  Johnny is great.

Not long ago, Johnny took it upon himself to tell his “dad” a thing or two.  He texted me and told me all about it.  He even sent me what he had sent him.  He had actually posted this on his “dad’s” Facebook wall.  I use “dad” in quotes when related to Johnny because John is not Johnny’s biological father.  John was in prison when his wife, Johnny’s mom, became pregnant with Johnny.  That story will be told with much more of Johnny’s story over the passing days.  It explains why Johnny was chosen as the Scapegoat.  A little information about cheating on a Narcissistic Sociopath:

When you cheat on a narcissist though they cannot ever conceive of the idea that they aren’t enough. That you would dare to find someone else is beyond their comprehension. So if you do find someone that you aren’t a mirror of sometimes you get involved because they really care or you project that on them. Narcissist can be dangerous to cheat on as well as sociopaths as they will never admit that they are not the object of your adoration. They will stop at nothing to get what they want which is you. They may not even want you any more but you have become their property.

The injury caused by the cheating wouldn’t have been that bad, had she not also become pregnant.  To make matters worse, she gave birth to a son.  She gave another man something the narcissistic sociopath did not have but wanted:  a son to mold and shape in his own image.  The major N Injury caused an everlasting N Rage that was taken out on Johnny every chance John had.  He saw Johnny as the enemy and he hated Johnny.  Perhaps, it is because Johnny looks just like his Father.  I’ll get to that too.  For now, enjoy the conversation Johnny and I had.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:14:25 PM ] Johnny:   I hope john dosent get offended

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:14:27 PM ] Johnny:   Of what I said

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:17:59 PM ] Me:   John who? Jj? I wouldn’t worry about offending him. Say what you feel and always be honest. Those who take offense can’t handle the truth. 🙂 I love ya. Three days until I get to see you! 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:19:07 PM ] Johnny:   Ya

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:19:12 PM ] Me:   I didn’t see what you said or where though. And jj has me blocked so I can’t see anything he says. I’m sure I’m not missing anything.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:03 PM ] Johnny:   In moment ill forward it to yoy

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:13 PM ] Johnny:   You

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:33 PM ] Me:   Ok. Cool.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:29:06 PM ] Johnny:   I said

“if you like my aunt why dident you marrie her instad of my mother shed probably still be alive now and you woudent have ruined my life but this is just making matters wors. just don’t hurt shawnna or jazmine or my aunt I would hate to get my hands dirty. And if you do marrie my aunt at least be a better father and husband to them then you where to my mother and Melissa. And I sure am glad my gpa paul is there as a fautherly figure than you and I am glad I’m not even related to you and that your not my real dad thank you for your time.”

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:37:12 PM ] Johnny:   Its long I know

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:37:48 PM ] Me:   Releasing a little anger, are you? There’s nothing wrong with what you said but be prepared for him to say a lot of hurtful things and lie and try to manipulate you. He does it to everyone that stands up to him. Stay strong and don’t give in. Don’t give him any power over you. And unfortunately, he can’t be a good father or a good husband. He’s too selfish. He won’t even stop smoking weed for the sake of his children. And he hurt Cynthia the same way he hurt Tiffany and Ashley and I’m praying missy wakes up and gets jazzy out if there before he hurts her too. :/ And I’m sorry I let him manipulate me and I believed his lies and I hurt you because of it. I love you. You’re still my son and I’m still your mom. I’m trying to make everything right. I’m looking forward to seeing you. I miss you so much! I miss you making me laugh. I sent the girls their cards and am sending you one too but I have to finish making it first. 🙂 Keep standing your ground and speaking your mind. I got your back. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:38:37 PM ] Me:   By the way, what you said to him, I think you’re right. ❤ 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:42:59 PM ] Johnny:   LOL akways

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:49:48 PM ] Me:   Most excellent! You’re a terrific young man. And smart too. 🙂  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:50:37 PM ] Johnny:   I know thank you

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:19:50 PM ] Me:   Life is getting good son. Almost everything is as it should be. I’ll see you in a few days. Call me anytime you want to.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:21:08 PM ] Johnny:   OK I need john vgay gays phone number to finish what I started

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:21:38 PM ] Me:   Lol! Ummm…what did he say to you? 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:22:24 PM ] Me:   Tell me first and I’ll decide if you should have his number or not. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:23:32 PM ] Johnny:   he said that gpa talt me well with language what a shame. and I’m not done with him

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:24:35 PM ] Me:   You didn’t say not one curse word. You should see what he writes to Tiffany.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:25:25 PM ] Me:   You’re language was much better than his and you’re only 15. You’ll get a high school diploma too. He never did. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:25:50 PM ] Johnny:   and he called me a dumb ass for some reason

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:27:01 PM ] Me:   He called you a dumb ass because he’s immature and he can’t handle truth and honesty. Especially when it’s the truth about himself. 

  • If someone criticizes them or says something that causes them to feel insulted, the feeling will cause them to react violently toward their victim. This is the only outlet that they know to use to quell feelings of inadequacy.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:27:53 PM ] Johnny:   ha he blocked me what a loser. he runs away from a feeble fight LOL.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:28:40 PM ] Johnny:   ya

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:28:53 PM ] Me:   I don’t want him to hurt you. :/ He will say things to hurt you.  

He blocked you so you won. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:29:56 PM ] Johnny:   Oh trust me he can’t hurt me any more I’m stronger then him

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:32:23 PM ] Me:   I’ll give you his number so you can tell him what you need to tell him. Do not let his words hurt you and if they do, don’t let him know they do. 

You are stronger than him. Even moreso now that almost all my kids are on a united front, standing up to him, with my full support.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:00:25 PM ] Johnny:   ha he has weak comebacks I won again

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:01:54 PM ] Me:   Do you know how to screen shot and send the pic or forward it? I’d like to see what you’re getting into. I’ll get the blame for it and I like to be prepared. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:03:45 PM ] Johnny:   I do and I made sure he dosent know its you

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:05:46 PM ] Me:   He’s going to blame me either way. He blames everything on me and spreads lies about me. He needs to accept reality. Reality is, it’s his entire fault. He did it all to himself.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:05:58 PM ] Johnny:  He (JJ) said

“Lol nice try! Now I know who told you that lie! Now you going to lie for them too? Karma will get you for your thoughts. And yes you are a little kid who about to get him self in deep water! Juvenile hall sounds good for you about now the way your headed. Keep making threats for others. Gets you no where. Bye!!!!”

  • The abuser will swear that events never occurred and that certain things were never said. The victim knows better, but over time will begin to question their sanity.
  • Abusers use threats to cultivate anxiety, despair and the ability to resist.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:08:24 PM ] Me:   You won’t go to juvie. I’ll protect you. He’s worried he’s going to jail for the rest of his life for being a child molestor. He doesn’t want anyone to know what he really is.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:09:23 PM ] Johnny:   oh I know

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 8:24:43 AM ] Me:   Would you like to write a statement about how jj treated you growing up to be read in court at my hearing coming up?

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 10:18:55 AM ] Me:   Up to you. If you wanted him to hear it and wanted it on record, the option is available.

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 11:55:19 AM ] Johnny:   I’m gunman talk the GPA about it.

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 11:58:27 AM ] Me:   Ok. If he has any questions, he can call me. Thought you might like a different outlet than last nights activity. ❤

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 12:02:54 PM ] Johnny:   OK LOL

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:09:51 PM ] Me:   Are you behaving today?

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:10:50 PM ] Johnny:   know never LOL ya

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:13:18 PM ] Me:   Well, if no one else bails you out of jail, call me and I’ll do it. :-p  

That’s a joke. Don’t go to jail. It’ll mess up your military career. I know you won’t though. Your grandpa  raised you right and you’ll never be like jj. I love you kiddo!

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:45:45 PM ] Johnny:   your darn tooten correct about GPA

Here is the statement Johnny wrote.

Johnnys Statement

.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._Something I wrote late last year in my FB notes:

I remember shortly after JJ and I got together, we moved to a place on Calle Alamo.  We weren’t there very long.  We had a friend, Jeff, staying with us.  We called him Jeffrey the Butler.  He would clean up and look after the kids while we were at work.  I noticed a bruise on Johnny’s back one day. Not just any bruise and not on his buttocks, but a distinct handprint in the center of Johnny’s back.  The bruise was too big to be from any of the other kids and was attributed to Jeff.  I’m pretty sure it was JJ that gave him that bruise.

The grandparents had seen it and I believe Mary did as well.  A photo was taken by somebody and it was  reported to CPS.  CPS didn’t visit until later after we moved to 2nd St in Huachuca City.  More bruises had  come and gone by then.  Johnny was always bruised up.  I worked and J took care of the kids.  I was always told it was from rough play – the metal bars on the bunk beds, falling down and hitting his head, etc.  I’ve  since then learned that both Ralph and Johnny weren’t just spanked, they were more like beat down:  shoved to the ground and punched and kicked while being degraded, insulted and belittled.

  • Abusers degrade their victims in order to damage their self-esteem and make them think they are unable to face life on their own. 
  • Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.

This is what went  on after I went to work.  Why and how would and could somebodydo that?  JJ used to tell me how his father punished him while he was growing up.  He would describe something similar to what my boys describe.  He  would tell me how it was wrong, abusive and he hated his father for it.  People like JJ most likely suffered a great amount of abuse during their childhood.

  • Many people who are abusers have experienced or witnessed violence during their childhood. This leaves them with a feeling of worthlessness and low self esteem, which in turn traumatizes them and leaves life-long emotional scars.

Some children of abuse get help and grow up to be wonderful people and others, turn into the abuser.  That’s the cycle of abuse. Perhaps that is the why and the how.  Some of the damages done by long-term abuse is irreversible.

Self esteem can be damaged beyond repair

Drugs and alcohol are perfect for covering up past abuses.  It is those that cover it instead of taking it head on to put it behind them that have to higher propensity to become the abuse.

  • Many abusers are alcoholics or use drugs frequently.

There is nothing JJ can do at this point to make me feel any differently than I feel about him now.  He’s had an opportunity to get help and to change. He has had many.  He has always refused.  He has always sworn he didn’t need it.  He claims there is nothing wrong with him.  Not only does he swear and claim these things, he believes them 100%.  He will never admit he has done anything wrong.  He is incapable of it.

  • The abuser will often redefine situations to blame others for his troubles. Abusers will seldom admit that they are wrong, or for that matter, less than perfect. It’s always someone else’s fault when they act inappropriately.
  • Abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, but try to justify their behavior by making excuses. 

The only place for him, is a 6×8′ cell.  I’ll never allow him to harm any of my children again.  That’s why I need this severance. So Devon has a real future ahead of him.  The only thing he has to gain with having JJ in his life to influence him is nothing. I can’t think of one positive thing that can come out of him having JJ in his life.  To be belittled, insulted, defamed, degraded, abused, manipulated, and held back from reaching full potential is the complete opposite of what’s in anyone’s best interest.

I’ll have more tomorrow or the next day.

Love always,

Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

When the Abuser Choses to Heal & An Open Love Letter to Your Inner Child

I don’t remember where I found this gem.  I saved it a while back and just found it by accident.

That means, it is time to share it.  Everyone has a right to be loved.  Everyone matters.  Even those who hurt us matter and deserve to be loved.  Most people who hurt other people have been hurt themselves.  I’ve been hurt and some times, when the hurt keeps coming, I hurt back.  I think it is very rare that we run into those who are truely pure evil and simply born that way.  When those who have been hurt begin to heal, their need to hurt fades into the darkness as they begin to shine brighter in the light.  We have all hurt back and we can all understand.  Is it possible to show a little love and compassion, even for those who hurt you?  If nothing else, allow them the opportunity no one else allowed them.  Allow them the peace they need in their lives to heal from their past hurts. Life is too short to carry so much anger, bitterness, and hatred inside of you.  You have to let it go else you will become the monster you are fighting.

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An Open Love Letter to Your Inner Child
{Amélie – Screenshot}

To the child who couldn’t understand

why nobody could understand.

To the one whose hand was never taken,

whose eyes were never gazed into by

an adult who said,

“I love you.

You are a miracle.

You are holy,

right now and

forever.”

To the one who grew up in the realm of “can’t.”

To you who lived “never enough.”

To the one who came home to no one there, and

there but not home.

To the one who could never understand why

she was being hit

by hands, words, ignorance.

To the one whose innocence was unceremoniously stolen.

To the one who fought back.

To the one who shattered.

To the never not broken one.

To the child who survived.

To the one who was told she was

sinful, bad, ugly.

To the one who didn’t fit.

To she who bucked authority

and challenged the status quo.

To the one who called out

the big people for

lying, hiding and cruelty.

To the one who never stopped loving anyway.

To the child that was forbidden to need.

To the ones whose dreams were crushed

by adults whose dreams were crushed.

To the one whose only friend

was the bursting, budding forest.

To the ones who prayed to the moon,

who sang to the stars

in the secrecy of the night

to keep the darkness at bay.

To the child who saw God

in the bursting sunshine of

dandelion heads

and the whispering

clover leaf.

To the child of light who cannot die,

even when she’s choking

in seven seas of darkness.

To the one love

I am and you are.

You are holy.

I love you.

You are a miracle.

Your life,

your feelings,

your hopes and dreams–

they matter.

Somebody failed you but you will not fail.

Somebody looked in your eyes and saw the sun — blazing — and got scared.

Somebody broke your heart but your love remains perfect.

Somebody lost their dreams and thought you should too,

but you mustn’t.

Somebody told you

that you weren’t

enough

or too much,

but you are

without question

the most perfect

and holy creation of

God’s

own

hands.

*****

{You Are Loved}

My Ramblings Have Spilled Over

January 25, 2015

I have put the “No Contact” rule in place.  That means,  have cut off all communications with John the NarcSo (Narcissistic Sociopath).  I blocked his phone number from being able to communicate with me by phone and text.  I asked him to stop emailing me.  He continued to email me so I called the Sheriff’s office and had a Deputy visit him and tell him to stop emailing me.  Any further communications from him will result in him being cited for violating the Order of Protection.  He had blocked me from his Facebook account nearly a year ago; however, he still has access to read mine through mutual friends.  I have removed some mutual friends from my Facebook and blocked them.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I no longer have access to see what he writes on his Facebook nor have I been trying to find out.  This is a new year.  It is time to focus on healing.  I will not allow him to continue to serve as a distraction to me and pull me off of my path.  I have a purpose.  I will fulfill my purpose and I will not allow anything to get in my way.

My purpose is to use my experiences and my pain to help others in their times of need.  If somebody is sad, my purpose is to find her smile, even if just for a brief moment.  If somebody is lost, my purpose is to help him find his way back to his path with a compliment, a few words of encouragement, a touch of hope and a little bit of love to enable him to build the confidence within himself to get back up followed by a gentle nudge towards the little light flickering on his path to all that’s right and just, the path that leads him out of the darkness and into the light, the path to the place where he is protected from the monsters of the dark,  the place where his faith dwells and where God is waiting to meet him, to turn his pain into comfort, his sorrow into joy and reward him with treasures beyond what any mere mortal could ever dream of.  There, in the light at the end of his path, he will be Saved by God’s Grace and he will forever be changed.  God will give him his purpose and he will go out to fulfill it.

I write at WordPress.com and Jigsy.com.  I currently have three blogs on WordPress for separate issues. I have decided not to close this Jigsy account.  I am going to incorporate all three blogs here onto my Jugsy website on their own separate pages so that I may have all of my work and extras in one place. Since the “No Contact Rule” has been put into place, I find that I have more time to write and work towards fulfilling my purpose.  It will take a little time to consolidate and organize everything.  My three WordPress blogs and their purposes are:

No More Silence

Starting out as a mirror for No More Silence on Jigsy, No More Silence is beginning to expand outside of my personal experiences to include the experiences of others, my thoughts, opinions, and ideas surrounding various types of abuses and outside articles related to abusive situations, abusers, and other related content.

Dispelling Rumors

This is my latest site.  I was filling up my Facebook with the lies my ex NarcSo has told about me on his “Smear Campaign” and the information disproving his lies, but I wanted it to be more pubic, and on my Facebook, I cannot have it public because my children and other children are on my Facebook and they do not need to witness the nastiness that he has been carrying out.  I need to address everything he has said, not for others to see what he is, but for myself, for validation and for closure.  It will also help those going through similar situations to be aware of how far the Monster is willing to go to prevent himself from being unmasked.  They will do whatever it takes to silence the survivors regardless of who gets hurt along the way and regardless of the law and basic human morality.  “Dispelling Rumors” sounded like the perfect name for a place to talk about the “Smear Campaign” John has launched against me and everything he is doing to keep me from exposing his true self.

My Little Corner of the WWW

This is the first blog I created some years ago. I didn’t write much at that time.  I had so many other things going on, in life and in my head.  This is My Place, My Home, My Mind.  This is where I what anything and everything I feel like writing when I feel like writing that isn’t specific to Breaking the Silence or Dispelling Rumors.  It is where I re blog things I’ve read and liked, share websites I learned from or enjoyed reading, and tell stories about my life, my childhood and other issues I have dealt with.  In other words, this is where I write about the things I am thinking about at the time I start writing.  I have found that it helps me keep my head clear.  Instead of hundreds of little thoughts and memories floating around in my mind, scrambled and cluttered with things I do not need to or care to remember, I write down everything I want to remember about something and discard the leftovers resulting in a clear mind which enables me to focus on important, current matters and issues.

Feel free to drop by any site, take a look around, read what interests you, leave comments or suggestions you may have and I hope that you take something away from you’ve read on my sites that can help you accomplish something in your life or fulfill a need you may have.

I read on “Uncommon Graces”, another WordPress site, the following:

You know what I love most about those words?  They put my own thoughts and ideas into words that are so simple to understand, yet so strong they leave an imprint in your heart.  I do the best that I can do each and every day to spread love, show my children they are loved and they matter, and to let others know they are important to somebody, somewhere, and not only can they make a difference in the lives of others, but that they do make a difference.  Grace believes the Love Changes People.  I agree with Grace.

Every morning, at no specific time, I send a text message to my Brian, complimenting him.  I tell him different things on different days ad at different times.  I do this so that he knows I am thinking of him and I appreciate him.  I tell him things like “You are amazing”, “Let’s play hookie and cuddle all day”, “I hope you have a fabulous day!”, “Thank you”, “Wanna get naked?” etc.  He then asks, “What was that for?”, “Why? What’d I do?”, or something similar.  I reply with “Did you smile?”, “Just for being you”, or “Because you’re you”.  I like to make him smile.  I’m sure you can relate.

Have you ever had one of those days where everything is going wrong and you just want it to end?  Have you ever had somebody out of the blue take interest in how you are really doing, bring you a coffee or a snack without you asking, tell you how nice you look, or compliment you on your work?  Did you smile and think to yourself, “That was completely unexpected.  Maybe not all of humanity is lost, after all.”?  Did you thank the person and tell him or her that he or she just made your day?  “Thank you so much.  I’ve been having such a terrible day and you just brightened things up a bit for me.  I needed that.”  Do you often think to yourself that those people are a rare breed?  That’s because they are.  Are you that tye of person or do you wait until you see somebody in tears or asking for help to speak out?  Think about it.  Here is something else to think about that I will leave you with for today.  What if the first task of the day on everyone’s “Things To Do Today” list was to make somebody smile?  What if we all took one simple measure to tell somebody we haven’t told in a while or a complete stranger we pass by, I love you”, say “Hello” with a smile, say “You matter”, show love, wish a fabulous day to, hug, or compliment without any other reason than to let the person know you see him or her?  Can you do that?

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Make it a 30-day challenge for yourself.  Keep a diary and write down who it was, where you saw them, what you did, how they reacted and how it made you feel.

Email me your results to melliving @ icloud.com.  Use “Make somebody smile” in the subject line.  I’d love to write an article based on such results.  #LoveChangesPeople  Help Compassion go Viral.  Tweet your daily results and use that hashtag.  Grace would love it!

Love,

Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

Semantics, Blame Shifting, and Labeling

I follow a blog written by Miss Grace here on WordPress titled “Uncommon Graces”.  #lovechangespeople (I had to do it.)   She recently published an article regarding what she referred to as a “culture of violence”.  Miss Grace is a survivor of and a warrior against abuse.  She is similar to me in that she is moving forward through the healing process.  She has a very young daughter and was fortunate to have the bad situation over with before her daughter came into this world.  Her worries for her daughter are the same as mine were.  Through ignorant bliss, I was unable to protect my daughter from evil.  I wish I had been more educated on the topic.  That is why I speak out now.  I fully understand Miss Grace’s fears and they are completely justified.  Knowledge is power.  Miss Grace is all too familiar with ugly truths and she will do well in protecting her little girl from them.  That is the hope, at least.  Sometimes, we get blindsided.  Something happens that we never saw coming.  It’s important that us warriors bind together, regardless of political positions and all the other crap people think is most important.  Priority number one for a mother is her child, or at least it should be.  I do not know Miss Grace’s political positions nor do I care.  When you are in recovery, the last thing on your mind is politics.  There is nothing political about abuse and not one single warrior that I know and talk to for support has brought it up.  Why would we?  What does it have to do with anything?  So why would somebody take Miss Grace’s article and turn it into something political and focus on one single term she used, “culture”?

Nick (Nicky) Pane did just that.  As I was reading his hundreds upon hundreds of words surrounding that one term, culture, I couldn’t help but think he missed the entire point.  Playing semantics with a serious topic is a bit immature.  He does not understand the topic of abuse, that much is apparent.  That means he hasn’t experienced it.  That is great news.  Instead of addressing the points and offering solutions, he writes an entire article using fallacy after fallacy to admonish her use of the term “culture” and all those “liberals” that use it.  I hadn’t planned on reading what he wrote, but as always, my mind craves information so I took a peek.  Something caught my eye.  I was going to remark on that one thing, but as I scrolled for more examples, I could not believe what I reading.  Here Nicky is, all upset over her use of the term “culture”, throwing out labels on everyone and everything.  All things liberal are bad.  All things conservative are good.  Ignorance is bliss.  I remember being a staunch conservative.  I remember living in blissful ignorance.  Then, I came across some contradictory information during an abortion debate.  It made me think.  I put myself on the other side for a demonstration.  I learned something.  I learned enough to land myself on the fence.  I sought out more information.  The more I learned, the more realized I had been wrong on some points.  It was enough to change my position on the topic.  After the election of President Obama, I watched those in my circles go insane.  I researched.  They were wrong.  Now I research everything before I form an opinion on it.  If I don’t know anything about something, I will not take a side nor make a comment until I research it.  I made a rule for myself:  No more opinions based on ignorance.  When I debate, I want to be well-informed and I want to have documentation to back up my statements.  I no longer identify as a Republican nor a staunch conservative.  I am still conservative by definition of the word, without the political spin put on it.  I do not identify with Democrats but I am liberal in some ways, without the political spin on it.  Nicky still needs to learn that concept.  He is stuck in the Left vs. Right trap and the “”my-way-is–the–only-right-way mindset.  If Miss Grace were a strict conservative, Nicky would not have said a thing about the term “culture” that she used.  His article would have looked much different.  He would have focused on the violence and agreed with everything she wrote.

Nicky would like to blame liberals for the problems in American.  He is wrong.  The people to blame for all of our “first world problems” are al of us.  You, me, him, Grace, everyone.  Those of us who realize that, fight to change it.  The left and the right are so busy focusing on semantics, attacking each other, trying to prove themselves right and the opposition wrong, that they cannot see the issues that need to be addressed.  They cannot see the root cause of the problems because they cannot accept their portion of the responsibility.  Nicky wrote all about why Miss Grace was wrong for using the term “culture” and not one word about how she can protect her daughter from violence  nor the dangers that exist for her daughter.  He was too busy attacking liberals, putting labels on everything, and playing the blame game to see the forest through the trees.

Good night.  Get your priorities in order and focus on the most important.

Miss Grace is correct about love.  If we could all learn to love one another instead pitting people against each other, the world would be a less violent place.  Unfortunately, we have people like Nicky who are incapable of such love.

~Mel, Saved By Grace

Letters to our Fathers

Letters to our fathers is a special project I have decided to take on.  My goal is to publish a compilation of letters written by those who have suffered or are currently suffering abuses at the hands of their fathers.  Before anyone says it, yes, I know mothers abuse children too, but for this particular project, I will be focusing on the father.

My hopes are for this project to serve multiple purposes.  I want to do more than just BREAK THE SILENCE.  I want to SHATTER it.  I want to make so much noise that we wake up the whole world.  Alright, so that may be pushing it just a bit.  I will settle for waking up a dozen people for every letter that’s published.  Several things have occured in the recent past that have led me to come up with this idea and begin this project.  I’ll start from the beginning, but I will be brief, with only that which directly pertains to this particular article.

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As I began my adventure down the path of healing, memories and thoughts of past and present events flooded my mind.  Everything was all mixed up.  The more I learned about the abusive situations my children experienced, the worse it got.  My head spun.  I was in information overload.  I needed to know everything that happened while I was at work and while I was asleep and I needed to remember it all.  I began to make a note each time I remembered something or heard something.  I would make the note right away using whatever method of writing I had at the time.  I made notes in emails to myself, on envelopes and slips of paper, in the notepad on my cell phone, in noebooks if one was near by, and my mind began to clear.  I began to think clearly.  That was a start.  It was still a mess.  My notes were scattered and disorganized and I couldn’t find a thing.  That made me frantic; my head started spinning again.  I was so consumed and overwhelmed with all of this that I couldn’t focus on my everyday tasks at work and at home.  I had to get back in control.  I had to take back the power that my ex-narcso took from me.  I could not allow him to continue to consume every minute of my days.

Wear your tragedies as armor

When I was younger and bad things happened, I would write.  Writing helped me put everything into perspective and clear my mind.  I needed everything in one place and I needed to tell my story.  I began a blog.  My ex-narcso reads my blog.  He mentions some of the things I write to others.  He isn’t too happy about it but I am not writing for his happiness.  I am writing to clear my mind, organize my memories, put things into perspective, regain my power and let others know they are not alone.  Exposing him for what he truely is happens to be a consequence of my actions and I am perfectly OK with that.  I refused to continue to be his victim.  I became a warrior to protect my children and see that they get the justice they deserve.  He attacked and I fought back.  He attacked again and I fought back again.  Each time I fought back, I grew stronger.  I began to win some battles.  The healing that comes from defeating your abuser is strong.  Eventually, he had no power left over me and I won every battle.  The battle continues, but he is wearing out and he is now playing the victim.  He attacks, he loses. then he cries about it.  Isn’t that something?

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My biggest fear is one day being as oblivious to my children's sufferings as my parents were to mine.

My daughter posted this on her FB page. The comment she made with it was along the lines of “How fitting for my life”.

Originally, I began looking for a way to give others who have been abused an opportunity to tell their stories and begin to take their power back. Some of my children have told portions of their stories and they have been published.  They have their power back.  People try to silence us.  We will not be silent.  If you cannot look the truth in the eye because it is too ugly to look at, then you have a problem.  How can you protect your children from the evils of the world if you refuse see it?  Knowledge is power.  Ignorance is bliss.  I understand those cliche’s now.  There are grave dnagers in remaining blissfully ignorant.  I’ve seen people say they know these things happen, they just don’t want to hear about it or read about it.  My reply to them is along the lines of informing them that I knew they existed too and I didn’t want to hear or read about them.  I was blissfully ignorant.  My children suffered for many years and I never even seen the signs.  How could I?  I didn’t know what the signs were.  I ignored the truths of the world because they were too ugly to look at and my ignorance left me unable to protect my children from them.

We cannot be silent.  We ust break the silence, tell or stories, take control and raise awareness abour the ugly truths.  In doing this, we heal ourselves.

If you or somebody you know has expierenced abuse by his or her father, and you want the father to hear what you have to say to him, I am collecting letters to fathers for this project.  Those letters will be published sometime in the next two weeks.  You can write them anonymously or you can use names.  I used to write anonymous but I am no longer afraid.  I am not ashamed.  It is not my fault.  The opinions of others no longer matter.  I have to do this for me.  I need to heal so I can help my children continue to heal.  I am not a victim.  I am a warrior.

2014-12-08 20.59.56-2If you aren’t sure what to write, here are some ideas.  Tell your father what he did to you.  Be graphic if you want to.  Tell him how it made you feel.  Tell him what you wanted and needed him to be for you.  Tell him what successes you have had without his help.  Tell him is you want to be in his life or not.  Tell him if you plan to tell your children they have a grandfather or not. 2014-12-05 02.56.06 Tell him anything and everything you want him to hear.  If you provide me with his contact information, I will do everything I can to see to it that he is aware of your letter to him and where to find it to read it.  If he knows about it, he will read it.  It’s part of who they are.  They have to know what others are saying about them.  Exposing them is worse than imprisoning them in their minds.  At least in prison they can still play the victim and claim they were falsly accused.  Expose them, and you take away their victim card.

Email your letters to melliving@icloud.com and write Letters to our Fathers in the subject line so I’ll know what it is and it won’t end up labled spam.  Some of my children are writing letters too.  There is strangth in nubers and together we are much stronger than them.  We have truth and Grace on our side.  They cannot hurt us.2015-01-03 09.07.46-2

With the business out of the way, I wanted to send a message to somebody who made a comment about my methods of breaking the silence.

 Screenshot_2014-12-11-11-44-01_2-1Ms. Rugersmom, why do you feel sorry for my children?  Do you know how many children I have?  Do you know how old they are?  Do you know their stories?  What do you think breaking the silence means and where did you get that idea from?  Once it is on the internet, it never goes away.  I would hope not!  Why would we not blast it out everywhere?  Thank you for your opinion but I am here to tell you it is based on ignorance.  Blissful ignorance.  We don’t want your smpathy.  Don’t you poor babies my children.  You have no idea the paths we have been down nor what it takes to repair the damages that have been done.  Lies about us have been blasted on the internet.  Are we to sit in silence and allow ourselves to continue to be abused or should we stand up for ourselves and fight back?  I suggest you open your eyes lady.  It is the monsters that want us to remain silent and when you want us to remain silent as well, you are helping the monsters.  Think about it.  You can reply to me in the comment section and I will be sure to publish it.2014-12-27 06.18.45

 Screenshot_2015-01-05-04-17-16-2This one comes from a friend of the enemy.  He cannot handle the ugly truth.  It is too ugly for him to see.  The sad part is that he has children.  I just hope he does not allow his children to be in John’s care without any other adults around to keep watch.  Mr. Mead, what part of the truth are you afraid of?  I shall not be shutting my yap anytime soon.  It’s ugly all right but I am not afraid like you are.  I will repeat it where ever and when ever it needs to be repeated.  You may also reply to me in the comments section and I will publish your comment as well.

opinionatedTo the both of you, do some research and educate yourselves.  It is unwise to speak about things you have no knowledge of.  You make yourselves look foolish.  I am glad that once something is on the Internet, it is there forever. 2014-12-08 20.59.56-1 - Copy Be blessed,

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace
growing in gods grace