Tornado John: The Demolition of a Family Unit

Perhaps it is time for me to rewrite my story.  When I began writing, I began before placing both feet on the road to recovery.  I shared every thought, every feeling, everything that was happening to me at the moment I was writing and the days and weeks which led up to it.  My writing digressed into other topics and faded in and out through different time frames.

I have placed both feet on Recovery Lane and started the long journey through discovering who I am and who those around me are and begun to put things into perspective.  I am learning to put the past in the past and to let go of those things which I cannot change.  It is a long process in which I am unsure where it ends, if there is an end at all.  I hope and pray that at the end of this journey, I will land where my happiness lies – true, unblemished happiness.  I have to believe that regardless of my doubts.

This is the beginning of putting my life back in order.  To rewrite my story now that my head has cleared and the spinning out of control has ceased.  I hope to be able to get through the construction of a family, the remodeling, the fresh new smell, the first tornado warning, the tornado, and finally, picking up the debris and putting together as many pieces as could be saved along with what was lost along the way.

I enjoy writing metaphorically.  I believe it adds a bit of entertainment value which makes the story a little less depressing.  The past is the past.  There is no going back.  Nothing will ever be as it once was.  I accept that.  Every piece will not be found.  Not all damages will be repaired.  Not all repairs are my responsibility to make.  I will fight my battles and leave the battles of others for them to fight. 

This is the reality, ugly truths included, and I accept it for what it is.  Who knows.  Maybe someday I will turn it all into a book.  If I call it fiction, more people will read it.  It’s easier to read with the belief that it’s not real than to face it as a reality of life.

Yours Truly,

Mel,

Saved by God’s Grace

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Characteristics of a Narcissistic Parent

Keep these in mind as you watch my new video, “Verbal Abuse is Domestic Violence”, which will be posted in “Your False Rumors and Gossips are Killing my Children” later today.

From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown

  • Turns every conversation to him or herself.
  • Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs
  • Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you
  • Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you
  • Focus on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior
  • Expect you to jump at his every need
  • Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring your needs
  • Has high need for attention:
  • Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases, is flamboyant, loud and boisterous
  • Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off
  • Becomes angry when his needs are not met and tantrums or intimidates
  • Has an attitude of “Anything you can do, I can do better”
  • Engages in one-upmanship to seem important
  • Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming
  • Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him
  • Isn’t satisfied unless he has the “biggest” or “best”
  • Seeks status. Spends money to impress others
  • Forgets what you have done for them yet keeps reminding you that you owe them today
  • Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration
  • Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants
  • Does not obey the law–sees himself above the law
  • Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines
  • Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings
  • Tells you how you should feel or not feel
  • Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions
  • Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours
  • Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own
  • Wants to control what you do and say–tries to micromanage you
  • Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own
  • Has poor insight and can not see the impact his selfish behavior has on you
  • Has shallow emotions and interests
  • Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
  • Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants
  • May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children

Posted from Angries Out

NO CONTACT RULE

Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And…there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ‘no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.

Letters to our Fathers

Letters to our fathers is a special project I have decided to take on.  My goal is to publish a compilation of letters written by those who have suffered or are currently suffering abuses at the hands of their fathers.  Before anyone says it, yes, I know mothers abuse children too, but for this particular project, I will be focusing on the father.

My hopes are for this project to serve multiple purposes.  I want to do more than just BREAK THE SILENCE.  I want to SHATTER it.  I want to make so much noise that we wake up the whole world.  Alright, so that may be pushing it just a bit.  I will settle for waking up a dozen people for every letter that’s published.  Several things have occured in the recent past that have led me to come up with this idea and begin this project.  I’ll start from the beginning, but I will be brief, with only that which directly pertains to this particular article.

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As I began my adventure down the path of healing, memories and thoughts of past and present events flooded my mind.  Everything was all mixed up.  The more I learned about the abusive situations my children experienced, the worse it got.  My head spun.  I was in information overload.  I needed to know everything that happened while I was at work and while I was asleep and I needed to remember it all.  I began to make a note each time I remembered something or heard something.  I would make the note right away using whatever method of writing I had at the time.  I made notes in emails to myself, on envelopes and slips of paper, in the notepad on my cell phone, in noebooks if one was near by, and my mind began to clear.  I began to think clearly.  That was a start.  It was still a mess.  My notes were scattered and disorganized and I couldn’t find a thing.  That made me frantic; my head started spinning again.  I was so consumed and overwhelmed with all of this that I couldn’t focus on my everyday tasks at work and at home.  I had to get back in control.  I had to take back the power that my ex-narcso took from me.  I could not allow him to continue to consume every minute of my days.

Wear your tragedies as armor

When I was younger and bad things happened, I would write.  Writing helped me put everything into perspective and clear my mind.  I needed everything in one place and I needed to tell my story.  I began a blog.  My ex-narcso reads my blog.  He mentions some of the things I write to others.  He isn’t too happy about it but I am not writing for his happiness.  I am writing to clear my mind, organize my memories, put things into perspective, regain my power and let others know they are not alone.  Exposing him for what he truely is happens to be a consequence of my actions and I am perfectly OK with that.  I refused to continue to be his victim.  I became a warrior to protect my children and see that they get the justice they deserve.  He attacked and I fought back.  He attacked again and I fought back again.  Each time I fought back, I grew stronger.  I began to win some battles.  The healing that comes from defeating your abuser is strong.  Eventually, he had no power left over me and I won every battle.  The battle continues, but he is wearing out and he is now playing the victim.  He attacks, he loses. then he cries about it.  Isn’t that something?

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My biggest fear is one day being as oblivious to my children's sufferings as my parents were to mine.

My daughter posted this on her FB page. The comment she made with it was along the lines of “How fitting for my life”.

Originally, I began looking for a way to give others who have been abused an opportunity to tell their stories and begin to take their power back. Some of my children have told portions of their stories and they have been published.  They have their power back.  People try to silence us.  We will not be silent.  If you cannot look the truth in the eye because it is too ugly to look at, then you have a problem.  How can you protect your children from the evils of the world if you refuse see it?  Knowledge is power.  Ignorance is bliss.  I understand those cliche’s now.  There are grave dnagers in remaining blissfully ignorant.  I’ve seen people say they know these things happen, they just don’t want to hear about it or read about it.  My reply to them is along the lines of informing them that I knew they existed too and I didn’t want to hear or read about them.  I was blissfully ignorant.  My children suffered for many years and I never even seen the signs.  How could I?  I didn’t know what the signs were.  I ignored the truths of the world because they were too ugly to look at and my ignorance left me unable to protect my children from them.

We cannot be silent.  We ust break the silence, tell or stories, take control and raise awareness abour the ugly truths.  In doing this, we heal ourselves.

If you or somebody you know has expierenced abuse by his or her father, and you want the father to hear what you have to say to him, I am collecting letters to fathers for this project.  Those letters will be published sometime in the next two weeks.  You can write them anonymously or you can use names.  I used to write anonymous but I am no longer afraid.  I am not ashamed.  It is not my fault.  The opinions of others no longer matter.  I have to do this for me.  I need to heal so I can help my children continue to heal.  I am not a victim.  I am a warrior.

2014-12-08 20.59.56-2If you aren’t sure what to write, here are some ideas.  Tell your father what he did to you.  Be graphic if you want to.  Tell him how it made you feel.  Tell him what you wanted and needed him to be for you.  Tell him what successes you have had without his help.  Tell him is you want to be in his life or not.  Tell him if you plan to tell your children they have a grandfather or not. 2014-12-05 02.56.06 Tell him anything and everything you want him to hear.  If you provide me with his contact information, I will do everything I can to see to it that he is aware of your letter to him and where to find it to read it.  If he knows about it, he will read it.  It’s part of who they are.  They have to know what others are saying about them.  Exposing them is worse than imprisoning them in their minds.  At least in prison they can still play the victim and claim they were falsly accused.  Expose them, and you take away their victim card.

Email your letters to melliving@icloud.com and write Letters to our Fathers in the subject line so I’ll know what it is and it won’t end up labled spam.  Some of my children are writing letters too.  There is strangth in nubers and together we are much stronger than them.  We have truth and Grace on our side.  They cannot hurt us.2015-01-03 09.07.46-2

With the business out of the way, I wanted to send a message to somebody who made a comment about my methods of breaking the silence.

 Screenshot_2014-12-11-11-44-01_2-1Ms. Rugersmom, why do you feel sorry for my children?  Do you know how many children I have?  Do you know how old they are?  Do you know their stories?  What do you think breaking the silence means and where did you get that idea from?  Once it is on the internet, it never goes away.  I would hope not!  Why would we not blast it out everywhere?  Thank you for your opinion but I am here to tell you it is based on ignorance.  Blissful ignorance.  We don’t want your smpathy.  Don’t you poor babies my children.  You have no idea the paths we have been down nor what it takes to repair the damages that have been done.  Lies about us have been blasted on the internet.  Are we to sit in silence and allow ourselves to continue to be abused or should we stand up for ourselves and fight back?  I suggest you open your eyes lady.  It is the monsters that want us to remain silent and when you want us to remain silent as well, you are helping the monsters.  Think about it.  You can reply to me in the comment section and I will be sure to publish it.2014-12-27 06.18.45

 Screenshot_2015-01-05-04-17-16-2This one comes from a friend of the enemy.  He cannot handle the ugly truth.  It is too ugly for him to see.  The sad part is that he has children.  I just hope he does not allow his children to be in John’s care without any other adults around to keep watch.  Mr. Mead, what part of the truth are you afraid of?  I shall not be shutting my yap anytime soon.  It’s ugly all right but I am not afraid like you are.  I will repeat it where ever and when ever it needs to be repeated.  You may also reply to me in the comments section and I will publish your comment as well.

opinionatedTo the both of you, do some research and educate yourselves.  It is unwise to speak about things you have no knowledge of.  You make yourselves look foolish.  I am glad that once something is on the Internet, it is there forever. 2014-12-08 20.59.56-1 - Copy Be blessed,

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace
growing in gods grace

Fake?

I think it is quite comical that only AFTER I expose you as a fraud – a liar – a fabricator (lol…pun not intended there) – one who pretends to be something they are not – the great pretender of a narcissistic sociopath that you are – NOW you decide to spread falsehoods that I am fake.  You slipped.  You’re losing it.  Narcs are a step ahead – always a step ahead but you slipped up.  You must not have been expecting that.  People are like mirrors to your kind.  You take the positive qualities of others and attribute them to yourself while at the same time attributing your negative qualities onto them.  The whole “she’s fake, I’m the only one that’s real in this entire mess” crap you are spewing is a perfect example of that.  Since day one, you have lied to me about everything.  You are not who you said your were.  Your education is not what you said it was.  Your occupation is not as you claimed it to be.  Your first marriage didn’t end the way you said it ended.  The people you said I had to stay away from because they were out to get me, only wanted to get to know me.  They had no ill feelings towards me.  My once close friend you said I should stop hanging out with because she was using me to get you, she wasn’t trying to take you from me.  From day one – you have manipulated everything using underhanded tactics, lies, rumors, and you did it so subtly, I didn’t even notice.

So, when did I realize you were that big of a fraud?  It may have been when I read the text messages between you and my daughter which revealed the full extent of the sick and twisted relationship you manufactured with her and that you never returned to reconcile with me;  you returned to try to reconcile with her.  You’re a disgustingly sick minded individual.  To think that is natural and healthy and there is nothing wrong with it one would have to be completely demented, warped and illogical.  But that wasn’t when I realized how big of a fraud you really are.  That moment came after reading your response to my motion to strike your request for reconsideration of the divorce decree.  More specifically, the child support.  When I filled out the worksheet for child support, I used the low end of the average income for a mechanic.  You attended Cochise College and took the mechanics course that placed you at the dealership where you acquired your ASE certification.  Your occupation is mechanic.  The instructions say to use the income of the party’s occupation if the party is willingly unemployed.  You quit your job at the RV repair place.  Quitting a job is becoming willingly unemployed.  You listed Cochise College under education on your Facebook page.  Your business cards specifically state ‘ASE Certified’.  I did the paperwork exactly how it was to be done.

You protested.  In your request, you told the Court that you were not a mechanic and had never been employed as a mechanic nor had any formal training as a mechanic.  I submitted documentation demonstrating that you had been worked in that capacity and claimed to have such training.  You replied that I had been misinformed or was padding your resume to get more money out of you.  I was confused.  Then, after a few phone calls, the confusion cleared up.  You were right about something.  I was misinformed.  I was misinformed by you.  You never attended Cochise College.  That was a lie.  You were never employed at the dealership.  That was a lie.  You never obtained your ASE certification.  That was a lie.  You never quit the job at the RV repair place.  You were fired.  I wondered what else you had lied about, so I dug further and the further I dug, the more lies came to light.  After sorting through all the lies, there was no truth to be found and it hit me.  Our entire life together, all 12-14 years of it, was a lie.  Nothing was real.  You never once told me the truth about anything.  I don’t know who you are but I know what you are.  You are a monster behind the mask that you wear, a sick, twisted, demented and ugly monster.

imageGo ahead and tell all the falsehoods about me that you wish to tell.  The intelligent people will see that it is I who worked, paid the bills, took care of the kids, and was the responsible adult.  They will see that you have contact with 0/6 of the children involved while I have contact with 6/6 of them.  Your friends have already witnessed you abuse your other friends and your children.  They hear the things you come up with about how the whole world is against you but they don’t see the things you tell them are going on.  They don’t see them because they don’t exist.  Your entire existence is a lie.  You are a fraud.  No one has heard a truth from you.  You can’t tell the truth.  You can’t accept who you are so you mirror others that you want to be like.  You claim to be so much better than everyone else.  You claim you are grown up and spew filth about how others, and I, need to grow up.  You say you need custody of our boy to raise him to be a real man.  Newsflash.  It takes an adult to raise a real man.  You’re not a real man.  You’re not a man at all.  You’re a boy – a sniveling, selfish, egotistical, tantrum throwing little boy who will do whatever it takes to get what he wants no matter who gets hurt along the way.  You wouldn’t now the first thing about raising a man.  You are no adult.  Adults are responsible.  They get educated, they work and they support their family.  They are honest, loving and caring.  They don’t force their daughters or other little girls to participate in sexual acts for their own sexual desires.  You don’t know how to be a real man.  You don’t know right from wrong.  You don’t care about anyone but yourself.  If you think for one minute that I would ever consider placing my child in your home so you can destroy his entire life and destroy him, you are sadly mistaken.  That will never happen.  Not even over my dead body.  You tell me to grow up?  Let me know when you have grown up and become a responsible and productive member of society and then you might be able to suggest I need to grow up.  Until then, stop preaching shit you know nothing about and couldn’t practice to save your own skin.

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During one of your temper tantrums earlier this year, you cried about how it’s not fair that I didn’t treat my first ex the way I was treating you.  You are correct.  I love him.  He loved me.  He was real.  He was a real man who got educated despite the unfortunate circumstances of his childhood.  He found work.  He worked hard and he supported his family.  He took care of us.  He is a grown-up.  Although he isn’t where he once was, he is still that man at the core of his being and he is still real. He is still honest.  He never once laid a hand on his children nor has he ever lied to me or anyone else.  He is better than you.  You are beneath everyone.

Adios.

Mel.

Mirroring is at the heart of how sociopaths hook us and why others think we were just like the sociopath while inside the toxic relationship.