Silence Can Kill

This is a bit different.  I never saw this coming.  Finally, I can feel again.  I have emotions.  I fell so deeply in love with him.  He was different than the others.  He made me a priority.  He did things to make me happy.  He made me feel special.  I was so afraid to open up to him because I was so afraid he would leave me.

I jumped.  I finally felt comfortable enough to take that chance and let my guard down.  The walls fell crashing to the floor and I completely exposed every single little piece of me.  My emotions flowed like raging rivers and I gave him all of me, my heart, my soul, and every bit of my love, some of which I never even knew I had.

Something happened.  I don’t know what.  He walked out without saying a word.  He didn’t call, text, write, nothing.  Not one word came from him.  For nearly a week, I tried everything to get a moment of his time to ask if we were still together, if he still loved me, what was happening.

Silence.

Silence during the daytime is hard but it’s manageable.  Silence during the nighttime?  That is a killer.  Loneliness can drive you insane.  By the end of the first week, I only had one question.  Did he love me.  I asked how many times one should ask that question while it went unanswered before one should realize that the silence is enough to answer you and let you know that you need to move on because there’s no love there.  Finally, a response.  Ask in person.  That’s a difficult task when he can’t be located.  Visit at work, he’s busy working.  Understood.  Call me when you have time for me.  OK.  2:00AM and still nothing.  It’s time I get an answer.  I’m going crazy not knowing and the tears have been flowing for a week straight.  I need this pain to stop.  Hop in the car and go visit.  All is asleep so I knock on the window.  Turned out that was a really stupid move.  I angered him and he yelled at me to get out of there.

Silence.

Still not getting anything, professing my love, begging and pleading for company, pathetic.  A couple more answers.  That night, I acted all crazy and a few days prior I had as well.  I texted a dozen times in a row.  Some anger, some despair, a mixture of I hate yous and I love yous.  I’m hurt.  I’m trying to get your attention but you can’t see me.I’m crying, I’m hurting, I need you, I love you, Please make it stop. Why are you doing this to me?  Why are you hurting me?  Finally it comes. “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

Silence.

Another day passes and finally a face to face conversation.  “I don’t want to be with you right now.”  What’s our status?  We are on break, like separated but not broke up.  We can hang out like friends but not as a couple.  We don’t sleep together.  We don’t have sex.  But we aren’t broken up.  We are on a break.  How long should the break last?

Silence.

Give him some time.  I don’t know how much as he didn’t say.  All he said was give it time.  My crazy antics weren’t appreciated and he needed time.  It’s been two weeks since he walked out on me and the silence in the night is killing me.  I have no answers.  I am just hanging out until he decides the break is over.  Once the break is over, we will either be together as a couple or completely separate as two single individuals.  How long should I wait?  I’m not interested in going out and seeing anyone.  I just want to know how long I should wait to find out if he is mine or not.  There’s got to come a point in time in which I finally realize I’m waiting for nothing and he’s already decided.  I don’t know when that time is but I do know that I am terribly lonely and the silence from him is killing me.

Never again.  Never again will I allow the walls to fall.  How did I get blindsided yet again?  What’s wrong with me?  Why do I feel so unloved?  I do not know what to do.  I know I love him.  I know I only want to be with him.  I know I miss him terribly.  I don’t know why he won’t talk to me.  So I just wait until my stubbornness subsides and I realize I’m waiting for him to do something he is never going to do and it’s time to accept it and move on.

I’ve never experienced a silent treatment before.  I don’t even know what this means.  Is this his way of breaking up with me or is he punishing me?  It hurts.  Here I am again, tears falling down my face and having no understanding of what just happened.  Maybe I really have lost my mind.  Time will tell.

Forever in His Grace,

Mel

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Letters to our Fathers

Letters to our fathers is a special project I have decided to take on.  My goal is to publish a compilation of letters written by those who have suffered or are currently suffering abuses at the hands of their fathers.  Before anyone says it, yes, I know mothers abuse children too, but for this particular project, I will be focusing on the father.

My hopes are for this project to serve multiple purposes.  I want to do more than just BREAK THE SILENCE.  I want to SHATTER it.  I want to make so much noise that we wake up the whole world.  Alright, so that may be pushing it just a bit.  I will settle for waking up a dozen people for every letter that’s published.  Several things have occured in the recent past that have led me to come up with this idea and begin this project.  I’ll start from the beginning, but I will be brief, with only that which directly pertains to this particular article.

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As I began my adventure down the path of healing, memories and thoughts of past and present events flooded my mind.  Everything was all mixed up.  The more I learned about the abusive situations my children experienced, the worse it got.  My head spun.  I was in information overload.  I needed to know everything that happened while I was at work and while I was asleep and I needed to remember it all.  I began to make a note each time I remembered something or heard something.  I would make the note right away using whatever method of writing I had at the time.  I made notes in emails to myself, on envelopes and slips of paper, in the notepad on my cell phone, in noebooks if one was near by, and my mind began to clear.  I began to think clearly.  That was a start.  It was still a mess.  My notes were scattered and disorganized and I couldn’t find a thing.  That made me frantic; my head started spinning again.  I was so consumed and overwhelmed with all of this that I couldn’t focus on my everyday tasks at work and at home.  I had to get back in control.  I had to take back the power that my ex-narcso took from me.  I could not allow him to continue to consume every minute of my days.

Wear your tragedies as armor

When I was younger and bad things happened, I would write.  Writing helped me put everything into perspective and clear my mind.  I needed everything in one place and I needed to tell my story.  I began a blog.  My ex-narcso reads my blog.  He mentions some of the things I write to others.  He isn’t too happy about it but I am not writing for his happiness.  I am writing to clear my mind, organize my memories, put things into perspective, regain my power and let others know they are not alone.  Exposing him for what he truely is happens to be a consequence of my actions and I am perfectly OK with that.  I refused to continue to be his victim.  I became a warrior to protect my children and see that they get the justice they deserve.  He attacked and I fought back.  He attacked again and I fought back again.  Each time I fought back, I grew stronger.  I began to win some battles.  The healing that comes from defeating your abuser is strong.  Eventually, he had no power left over me and I won every battle.  The battle continues, but he is wearing out and he is now playing the victim.  He attacks, he loses. then he cries about it.  Isn’t that something?

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My biggest fear is one day being as oblivious to my children's sufferings as my parents were to mine.

My daughter posted this on her FB page. The comment she made with it was along the lines of “How fitting for my life”.

Originally, I began looking for a way to give others who have been abused an opportunity to tell their stories and begin to take their power back. Some of my children have told portions of their stories and they have been published.  They have their power back.  People try to silence us.  We will not be silent.  If you cannot look the truth in the eye because it is too ugly to look at, then you have a problem.  How can you protect your children from the evils of the world if you refuse see it?  Knowledge is power.  Ignorance is bliss.  I understand those cliche’s now.  There are grave dnagers in remaining blissfully ignorant.  I’ve seen people say they know these things happen, they just don’t want to hear about it or read about it.  My reply to them is along the lines of informing them that I knew they existed too and I didn’t want to hear or read about them.  I was blissfully ignorant.  My children suffered for many years and I never even seen the signs.  How could I?  I didn’t know what the signs were.  I ignored the truths of the world because they were too ugly to look at and my ignorance left me unable to protect my children from them.

We cannot be silent.  We ust break the silence, tell or stories, take control and raise awareness abour the ugly truths.  In doing this, we heal ourselves.

If you or somebody you know has expierenced abuse by his or her father, and you want the father to hear what you have to say to him, I am collecting letters to fathers for this project.  Those letters will be published sometime in the next two weeks.  You can write them anonymously or you can use names.  I used to write anonymous but I am no longer afraid.  I am not ashamed.  It is not my fault.  The opinions of others no longer matter.  I have to do this for me.  I need to heal so I can help my children continue to heal.  I am not a victim.  I am a warrior.

2014-12-08 20.59.56-2If you aren’t sure what to write, here are some ideas.  Tell your father what he did to you.  Be graphic if you want to.  Tell him how it made you feel.  Tell him what you wanted and needed him to be for you.  Tell him what successes you have had without his help.  Tell him is you want to be in his life or not.  Tell him if you plan to tell your children they have a grandfather or not. 2014-12-05 02.56.06 Tell him anything and everything you want him to hear.  If you provide me with his contact information, I will do everything I can to see to it that he is aware of your letter to him and where to find it to read it.  If he knows about it, he will read it.  It’s part of who they are.  They have to know what others are saying about them.  Exposing them is worse than imprisoning them in their minds.  At least in prison they can still play the victim and claim they were falsly accused.  Expose them, and you take away their victim card.

Email your letters to melliving@icloud.com and write Letters to our Fathers in the subject line so I’ll know what it is and it won’t end up labled spam.  Some of my children are writing letters too.  There is strangth in nubers and together we are much stronger than them.  We have truth and Grace on our side.  They cannot hurt us.2015-01-03 09.07.46-2

With the business out of the way, I wanted to send a message to somebody who made a comment about my methods of breaking the silence.

 Screenshot_2014-12-11-11-44-01_2-1Ms. Rugersmom, why do you feel sorry for my children?  Do you know how many children I have?  Do you know how old they are?  Do you know their stories?  What do you think breaking the silence means and where did you get that idea from?  Once it is on the internet, it never goes away.  I would hope not!  Why would we not blast it out everywhere?  Thank you for your opinion but I am here to tell you it is based on ignorance.  Blissful ignorance.  We don’t want your smpathy.  Don’t you poor babies my children.  You have no idea the paths we have been down nor what it takes to repair the damages that have been done.  Lies about us have been blasted on the internet.  Are we to sit in silence and allow ourselves to continue to be abused or should we stand up for ourselves and fight back?  I suggest you open your eyes lady.  It is the monsters that want us to remain silent and when you want us to remain silent as well, you are helping the monsters.  Think about it.  You can reply to me in the comment section and I will be sure to publish it.2014-12-27 06.18.45

 Screenshot_2015-01-05-04-17-16-2This one comes from a friend of the enemy.  He cannot handle the ugly truth.  It is too ugly for him to see.  The sad part is that he has children.  I just hope he does not allow his children to be in John’s care without any other adults around to keep watch.  Mr. Mead, what part of the truth are you afraid of?  I shall not be shutting my yap anytime soon.  It’s ugly all right but I am not afraid like you are.  I will repeat it where ever and when ever it needs to be repeated.  You may also reply to me in the comments section and I will publish your comment as well.

opinionatedTo the both of you, do some research and educate yourselves.  It is unwise to speak about things you have no knowledge of.  You make yourselves look foolish.  I am glad that once something is on the Internet, it is there forever. 2014-12-08 20.59.56-1 - Copy Be blessed,

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace
growing in gods grace