A Personal Note

Last year was such a whirlwind for me, that I never really paused to breathe.  Things just kept hitting me one after another.  Finally, I have time to breathe and reflect on all that I’ve learned, witnessed, and experienced.

Everything happens for a reason.  That’s so cliche.  I do believe it is true.  I have learned more about myself as a person and those around me in this past year and a half than I had in my entire life.  The most important thing I’ve learned is who I am.  Think about it.  Do you know yourself as a person?  I don’t mean as you; I mean as an individual?  Imagine floating outside of your body and watching yourself throughout the day, what you do, where you spend your time, who you talk to, how you talk to them, what you wear, how you react to different situations, etc etc etc.  Look at yourself as if you were somebody else and then ask yourself what kind of person you are.  Would you like that person if you spent time with him?  What would you change if you could?

I know me and I never knew me before.  I can feel again.  I can love again.  I am human and I make many mistakes.  So are and do you.  Everyone does.  You know what?  That’s OK.  It’s OK to mess up.  You don’t have to be perfect.  You are perfectly imperfect being who you are.  I’ve watched others act a certain way just so their friends would continue to like them.  Those are not friends.  Those are robots.  They are afraid to live for themselves and simply follow the crowd.

My Brian is still my Brian.  My head was so twisted up that I couldn’t grasp the normalcy in his words.  This is part of the “this relationship is so different than any other relationship I’ve been in, I don’t know how to act” plot.  It’s all still new to me.  I’m still learning.  I’m so quick to go into self-defense mode because that’s what I’m used to that I forget to pause and mess things up for myself.  I can admit that.  I refuse to allow the damages done to continue to affect me and my future.  It takes hard work.  I have to keep remembering that this is not the same path.  The results won’t be the same.  Shut up and have patience, Mel.

I would’ve shut my phone down too.  I get it.  I’m just not used to it.  So I will work on things and I will make it better.  Everything is getting better in its own way.  I’m excited to see the glimpses of the future as it begins to form.  Mo more silence.  They never could shut me up.  I am still standing and I am standing so much stronger than I ever have before.  I fear nothing yet many fear me.  I don’t think they should; yet I suppose if I were doing things with bad intentions that I would fear those who always tried to do what’s right regardless of how it makes the crowd look at me.  I am not a robot and I am proud to stand alone when it is called for.

Think outside the box.  Learn who you are.  Make your own decisions.  Face your fears.  That is what I call living.  It feels good to be alive.

Love God’s Grace,

Mel

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Johnny’s Resilience and Ability to Stand up for Himself

I am very fortunate to have such wonderful and forgiving children.  Some of them are, anyway.  I’m talking about my step-children, although I never considered them steps.  They’ve always just been my kids with the other three.  In 2010, when the family disintegrated, I did not do things the way a good parent would have.  I was shocked, blindsided, hurt, and had been fed so many lies by John that I believed the lies and thought the truth was a lie.  I hurt my step-children.  I called them names.  I yelled and asked them why they were doing this to us and asked how they could do this to their own father.

Fast forward, they were doing what I taught them to do.  They were standing up for themselves and the truth even though they were standing up against their father and I.  I’m very proud of them for that.  It takes a lot of courage and strength to stay the course and continue on the path of truth when it’s you against the world.  They survived it.  I will survive it as well.  They have forgiven me and they are by my side.  I am so blessed.  Johnny has always made me laugh.  I gotta tell ya, that boy, no matter what they (the family), he was always willing to keep trying to make everyone love him.  He never gave up.  I am amazed by his resilience.  Johnny is great.

Not long ago, Johnny took it upon himself to tell his “dad” a thing or two.  He texted me and told me all about it.  He even sent me what he had sent him.  He had actually posted this on his “dad’s” Facebook wall.  I use “dad” in quotes when related to Johnny because John is not Johnny’s biological father.  John was in prison when his wife, Johnny’s mom, became pregnant with Johnny.  That story will be told with much more of Johnny’s story over the passing days.  It explains why Johnny was chosen as the Scapegoat.  A little information about cheating on a Narcissistic Sociopath:

When you cheat on a narcissist though they cannot ever conceive of the idea that they aren’t enough. That you would dare to find someone else is beyond their comprehension. So if you do find someone that you aren’t a mirror of sometimes you get involved because they really care or you project that on them. Narcissist can be dangerous to cheat on as well as sociopaths as they will never admit that they are not the object of your adoration. They will stop at nothing to get what they want which is you. They may not even want you any more but you have become their property.

The injury caused by the cheating wouldn’t have been that bad, had she not also become pregnant.  To make matters worse, she gave birth to a son.  She gave another man something the narcissistic sociopath did not have but wanted:  a son to mold and shape in his own image.  The major N Injury caused an everlasting N Rage that was taken out on Johnny every chance John had.  He saw Johnny as the enemy and he hated Johnny.  Perhaps, it is because Johnny looks just like his Father.  I’ll get to that too.  For now, enjoy the conversation Johnny and I had.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:14:25 PM ] Johnny:   I hope john dosent get offended

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:14:27 PM ] Johnny:   Of what I said

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:17:59 PM ] Me:   John who? Jj? I wouldn’t worry about offending him. Say what you feel and always be honest. Those who take offense can’t handle the truth. 🙂 I love ya. Three days until I get to see you! 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:19:07 PM ] Johnny:   Ya

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:19:12 PM ] Me:   I didn’t see what you said or where though. And jj has me blocked so I can’t see anything he says. I’m sure I’m not missing anything.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:03 PM ] Johnny:   In moment ill forward it to yoy

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:13 PM ] Johnny:   You

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:20:33 PM ] Me:   Ok. Cool.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:29:06 PM ] Johnny:   I said

“if you like my aunt why dident you marrie her instad of my mother shed probably still be alive now and you woudent have ruined my life but this is just making matters wors. just don’t hurt shawnna or jazmine or my aunt I would hate to get my hands dirty. And if you do marrie my aunt at least be a better father and husband to them then you where to my mother and Melissa. And I sure am glad my gpa paul is there as a fautherly figure than you and I am glad I’m not even related to you and that your not my real dad thank you for your time.”

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:37:12 PM ] Johnny:   Its long I know

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:37:48 PM ] Me:   Releasing a little anger, are you? There’s nothing wrong with what you said but be prepared for him to say a lot of hurtful things and lie and try to manipulate you. He does it to everyone that stands up to him. Stay strong and don’t give in. Don’t give him any power over you. And unfortunately, he can’t be a good father or a good husband. He’s too selfish. He won’t even stop smoking weed for the sake of his children. And he hurt Cynthia the same way he hurt Tiffany and Ashley and I’m praying missy wakes up and gets jazzy out if there before he hurts her too. :/ And I’m sorry I let him manipulate me and I believed his lies and I hurt you because of it. I love you. You’re still my son and I’m still your mom. I’m trying to make everything right. I’m looking forward to seeing you. I miss you so much! I miss you making me laugh. I sent the girls their cards and am sending you one too but I have to finish making it first. 🙂 Keep standing your ground and speaking your mind. I got your back. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:38:37 PM ] Me:   By the way, what you said to him, I think you’re right. ❤ 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:42:59 PM ] Johnny:   LOL akways

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:49:48 PM ] Me:   Most excellent! You’re a terrific young man. And smart too. 🙂  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 7:50:37 PM ] Johnny:   I know thank you

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:19:50 PM ] Me:   Life is getting good son. Almost everything is as it should be. I’ll see you in a few days. Call me anytime you want to.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:21:08 PM ] Johnny:   OK I need john vgay gays phone number to finish what I started

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:21:38 PM ] Me:   Lol! Ummm…what did he say to you? 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:22:24 PM ] Me:   Tell me first and I’ll decide if you should have his number or not. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:23:32 PM ] Johnny:   he said that gpa talt me well with language what a shame. and I’m not done with him

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:24:35 PM ] Me:   You didn’t say not one curse word. You should see what he writes to Tiffany.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:25:25 PM ] Me:   You’re language was much better than his and you’re only 15. You’ll get a high school diploma too. He never did. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:25:50 PM ] Johnny:   and he called me a dumb ass for some reason

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:27:01 PM ] Me:   He called you a dumb ass because he’s immature and he can’t handle truth and honesty. Especially when it’s the truth about himself. 

  • If someone criticizes them or says something that causes them to feel insulted, the feeling will cause them to react violently toward their victim. This is the only outlet that they know to use to quell feelings of inadequacy.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:27:53 PM ] Johnny:   ha he blocked me what a loser. he runs away from a feeble fight LOL.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:28:40 PM ] Johnny:   ya

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:28:53 PM ] Me:   I don’t want him to hurt you. :/ He will say things to hurt you.  

He blocked you so you won. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:29:56 PM ] Johnny:   Oh trust me he can’t hurt me any more I’m stronger then him

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:32:23 PM ] Me:   I’ll give you his number so you can tell him what you need to tell him. Do not let his words hurt you and if they do, don’t let him know they do. 

You are stronger than him. Even moreso now that almost all my kids are on a united front, standing up to him, with my full support.  

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:00:25 PM ] Johnny:   ha he has weak comebacks I won again

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:01:54 PM ] Me:   Do you know how to screen shot and send the pic or forward it? I’d like to see what you’re getting into. I’ll get the blame for it and I like to be prepared. 

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:03:45 PM ] Johnny:   I do and I made sure he dosent know its you

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:05:46 PM ] Me:   He’s going to blame me either way. He blames everything on me and spreads lies about me. He needs to accept reality. Reality is, it’s his entire fault. He did it all to himself.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:05:58 PM ] Johnny:  He (JJ) said

“Lol nice try! Now I know who told you that lie! Now you going to lie for them too? Karma will get you for your thoughts. And yes you are a little kid who about to get him self in deep water! Juvenile hall sounds good for you about now the way your headed. Keep making threats for others. Gets you no where. Bye!!!!”

  • The abuser will swear that events never occurred and that certain things were never said. The victim knows better, but over time will begin to question their sanity.
  • Abusers use threats to cultivate anxiety, despair and the ability to resist.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:08:24 PM ] Me:   You won’t go to juvie. I’ll protect you. He’s worried he’s going to jail for the rest of his life for being a child molestor. He doesn’t want anyone to know what he really is.

[ Monday, August 18, 2014 9:09:23 PM ] Johnny:   oh I know

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 8:24:43 AM ] Me:   Would you like to write a statement about how jj treated you growing up to be read in court at my hearing coming up?

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 10:18:55 AM ] Me:   Up to you. If you wanted him to hear it and wanted it on record, the option is available.

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 11:55:19 AM ] Johnny:   I’m gunman talk the GPA about it.

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 11:58:27 AM ] Me:   Ok. If he has any questions, he can call me. Thought you might like a different outlet than last nights activity. ❤

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 12:02:54 PM ] Johnny:   OK LOL

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:09:51 PM ] Me:   Are you behaving today?

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:10:50 PM ] Johnny:   know never LOL ya

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:13:18 PM ] Me:   Well, if no one else bails you out of jail, call me and I’ll do it. :-p  

That’s a joke. Don’t go to jail. It’ll mess up your military career. I know you won’t though. Your grandpa  raised you right and you’ll never be like jj. I love you kiddo!

[ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 6:45:45 PM ] Johnny:   your darn tooten correct about GPA

Here is the statement Johnny wrote.

Johnnys Statement

.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._/’~’\_.:._/*\_.:._Something I wrote late last year in my FB notes:

I remember shortly after JJ and I got together, we moved to a place on Calle Alamo.  We weren’t there very long.  We had a friend, Jeff, staying with us.  We called him Jeffrey the Butler.  He would clean up and look after the kids while we were at work.  I noticed a bruise on Johnny’s back one day. Not just any bruise and not on his buttocks, but a distinct handprint in the center of Johnny’s back.  The bruise was too big to be from any of the other kids and was attributed to Jeff.  I’m pretty sure it was JJ that gave him that bruise.

The grandparents had seen it and I believe Mary did as well.  A photo was taken by somebody and it was  reported to CPS.  CPS didn’t visit until later after we moved to 2nd St in Huachuca City.  More bruises had  come and gone by then.  Johnny was always bruised up.  I worked and J took care of the kids.  I was always told it was from rough play – the metal bars on the bunk beds, falling down and hitting his head, etc.  I’ve  since then learned that both Ralph and Johnny weren’t just spanked, they were more like beat down:  shoved to the ground and punched and kicked while being degraded, insulted and belittled.

  • Abusers degrade their victims in order to damage their self-esteem and make them think they are unable to face life on their own. 
  • Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.

This is what went  on after I went to work.  Why and how would and could somebodydo that?  JJ used to tell me how his father punished him while he was growing up.  He would describe something similar to what my boys describe.  He  would tell me how it was wrong, abusive and he hated his father for it.  People like JJ most likely suffered a great amount of abuse during their childhood.

  • Many people who are abusers have experienced or witnessed violence during their childhood. This leaves them with a feeling of worthlessness and low self esteem, which in turn traumatizes them and leaves life-long emotional scars.

Some children of abuse get help and grow up to be wonderful people and others, turn into the abuser.  That’s the cycle of abuse. Perhaps that is the why and the how.  Some of the damages done by long-term abuse is irreversible.

Self esteem can be damaged beyond repair

Drugs and alcohol are perfect for covering up past abuses.  It is those that cover it instead of taking it head on to put it behind them that have to higher propensity to become the abuse.

  • Many abusers are alcoholics or use drugs frequently.

There is nothing JJ can do at this point to make me feel any differently than I feel about him now.  He’s had an opportunity to get help and to change. He has had many.  He has always refused.  He has always sworn he didn’t need it.  He claims there is nothing wrong with him.  Not only does he swear and claim these things, he believes them 100%.  He will never admit he has done anything wrong.  He is incapable of it.

  • The abuser will often redefine situations to blame others for his troubles. Abusers will seldom admit that they are wrong, or for that matter, less than perfect. It’s always someone else’s fault when they act inappropriately.
  • Abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, but try to justify their behavior by making excuses. 

The only place for him, is a 6×8′ cell.  I’ll never allow him to harm any of my children again.  That’s why I need this severance. So Devon has a real future ahead of him.  The only thing he has to gain with having JJ in his life to influence him is nothing. I can’t think of one positive thing that can come out of him having JJ in his life.  To be belittled, insulted, defamed, degraded, abused, manipulated, and held back from reaching full potential is the complete opposite of what’s in anyone’s best interest.

I’ll have more tomorrow or the next day.

Love always,

Mel, Saved by God’s Grace